Editor’s Note: This is part 2 of the series on Sex and Intimacy. Click here to start from the beginning.
When you met your mate, he or she was the perfect match for you. You laughed at each other’s jokes, couldn’t keep your hands off each other, and imagined a life of happily ever after.
Maybe you still have that, but I’m betting some of the shine has worn away from the hot and heavy early days. Don’t worry; it happens to most of us. Work, family, chores – all those things have a way of making you think less about her cute laugh or his sparkly eyes and more about whether she remembered to buy milk on the way home or if he’s taken out the trash.
Why Don’t You Feel Like You Used to?
When I was single, one of my friends often said “new sex is always hot sex, even if it is bad.” And she was right. “New” stimulates your senses. It is exciting and sometimes overwhelming, which is why we use the phrase “swept off my feet.”
That crazy, lusty feeling is what leads us to the beginning stages of intimacy. How else would we know who we should start to build a relationship with?
Intimacy requires liking each other, getting to know and trust each other, and still liking each other.
It is hard to sustain that lusty feeling with your mate after the new wears off. To give a very basic example, those high heels that make you feel sexy are fun to wear, but not every day and with every outfit. And especially not when you’re cleaning the bathroom. Sometimes your feet just want fuzzy slippers. (It always comes back to footwear, doesn’t it?)
Is Intimacy the Same as Sex?
The short answer: No. But it is a little more complicated than that. Absolute strangers can (and do) have sex. People in intimate relationships can (and do) avoid sex entirely. But most people in intimate relationships have sex, and most absolute strangers do not have sex with each other.
Here’s the Secret: Intimacy means appreciating the high heels AND the fuzzy slippers.
This isn’t a numbers game. What matters is how happy you and your mate both are with the level of closeness in your relationships and frequency of sex.
How Can You Get More Intimacy or Sex?
Instead of chalking this up as something that just happens after the honeymoon phase, you can do something about it.
Whether you want more or less sex, or more closeness with your partner, there are 3 things to remember:
- Communication: None of us are born lovers in either the physical or the emotional sense. And no lover is right for every person. YOU have to ask for what you want and solicit what your partner needs. It is too much pressure to be expected to read someone’s mind or have them read yours.
- Compromise: He may want more sex while you crave a more frequent emotional connection. By stating your needs and working out a plan that makes you both happy, you will be more inclined to spontaneously do what the other person wants, whether it is a walk after dinner or a quickie on your lunch hour.
- Creativity: Just as there is no one perfect lover, there is no one perfect way to love or be loved. Be open to trying new ways to get what you both want. Something that works well for us is to have more frequent sexual acts that do not include actual intercourse. The one who wants more sex will be happy about the increased activity, and the one who wants more intimacy will be happy with the playful negotiation of acts and concentration on showing physical affection without the big finish.
Lifestyle Design Includes Your Romantic Life
Just like you would put effort into your career, home improvement, or raising your family, your intimate relationship and sex life with your partner takes planning and effort to be successful. We are complex creatures, but we respond well to communication, compromise and creativity. And when you show these sides of yourself to your partner, he or she will reciprocate.
And that’s when the fireworks really start.
Coming up:
- Are you and your partner speaking the same love language?
- How much sex is normal?
- Being a giving lover
How do you keep that lovin’ feeling alive in your relationship?
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About Betsy
I’m amazed at some of the emails and direct messages (Twitter) I’m getting on this subject and wish you could read them. No one seems to want to put their name to a public comment about sex, and I understand that completely. But open discussion about a difficult subject is where you find the answers, so I encourage you to participate – use an alias with no website/email info if you like. In fact, it might be fun to see who can come up with the most creative alias!