Editor’s Note: This is part 8 in a 10-part series on Sex and Intimacy. Click here to read from the beginning.
Photo courtesy of freeparking
Come on, we’ve all done it. You have a great night of sex and can’t wait to tell your friends about it. Or the reverse – the sex is so bad you can’t wait to tell your friends about it!
Usually this happens when we are single and it is safe to tell the story, but what happens when you need to vent about a sex or intimacy issue with your mate, the same guy you’ll be bringing to your friend’s summer BBQ? This is where things get sticky.
We all need reassurance that we are “normal” in that department and that other people have or are experiencing the same thing. Sometimes we need our friends to tell us when something is not right so we can fix it. Either way, good friends are an important gauge in many of life’s experiences, and that includes sex and intimacy with your mate.
Now, I’m not a big fan of telling my circle of friends specific details about my sex life. But I do think it is important to have a sounding board about these issues with at least one good friend.
The last thing I want to do is betray the trust I have in my mate, but we both should have leeway to get support and guidance from friends. Sometimes a friend can clear up an issue for you in 5 minutes that would take hours, days, or weeks to clear up with your mate. And there’s no leftover bad feeling from the conversation.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to talk about my sex life in an explicit way with my friends, and I don’t want my husband doing that either. But I do think we both deserve a sounding board about sex and intimacy issues in general, and having a trusted confidante can give perspective to a sometimes lopsided view of a relationship.
Do you talk about sex or intimacy issues with your friends? Generally, or very specifically? Has it helped or hurt your relationship?
____________________________________________________________________________
Betsy Talbot writes about carving the lifestyle you want out of the life you already have. When she’s not writing, she’s paring down, saving up, and getting ready for a year of travel with her husband.
About Betsy
Hey Betsy- I just did a little piece on this for the radio show I write for. This is the article I refer to:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/06/25/h.keep.marriage.healthy/index.html
On the issue of talking to a friend, they highly recommend it. Couples want to keep everything private, but sometimes they can benefit from hearing the advice of someone they trust- how they dealt with an infidelity, etc. It can also put things in perspective. But they recommend not TOO much revealing- use common sense and don’t say anything you wouldn’t want repeated back to your spouse.
Personally, I haven’t found the perfect friend to share that stuff with. Our really good friends seem to me too close- although we might consult them if things got really bad or we thought we were going to break up. It’s hard- the friend has to be really close, but not so close you’re embarrassed a few days later- know what I mean?
It is tough to find the right balance, especially if you often socialize as a group, but you don’t have to give out every single detail to get the kind of help and support you need. Good friends won’t pry to get information they don’t need in order to help you out.
Thanks for including the link to the CNN article. There are some really good common-sense points on keeping your marriage healthy.
Betsy,
I go on a girlfriend weekend once a year with the same 3 friends. We do a lot of reading, relaxing, eating, drinking, green face-masking and a lot of chatting. The subject of sex comes up naturally – often as off-shoots of other topics, and typically after (but not always) a cocktail or two. We speak in pretty general terms, as we all know and will continue to socialize with eachothers’ husbands, but in these conversations (using and sharing our collective wisdom and experience), we have, over the years, diagnosed minor disease (easily treated and no longer cause for major worry once diagnosed), been made to feel "normal" over something that was stressing one of us out ("You too? Thank god its not just me!"), laughed a ton (always a good ab workout), and in all likelihood, strengthened a marraige or two.
I’m so grateful to have a few friends, that I can be open with, trouble-shoot with, and laugh with about sex (and so many other topics) and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My husband’s o.k. with it (and doesn’t ask for or want details of our weekend conversations), and I think he knows, in ways, he benefits by my having this "sounding board", to use your words.
Thanks for your interesting, relevant posts. Keep ‘em coming!
Debbie
Debbie, your girlfriend retreats sound awesome – can we all come next time?
It really does help to have someone tell you that you are not alone and that there is a solution (often one that takes less effort than all the worrying we’ve been doing about it!). Thank you for sharing your experience.