Adjusting to the changes in your friendships
Photo by Stu Seeger
This weekend I had a big revelation about my friendships: People are going to miss me when I’m gone. I know that sounds crazy – who wouldn’t realize that her best friends would miss her if she left the country? – but I really didn’t consider it before now.
On Friday night I was sitting in my bedroom with a friend going over some of the items I’m going to auction at my birthday party next month (more on that in a later post). As we went through hats, jewelry, clothes and shoes for the boutique, I could sense something shifting. At first I thought it was boredom (I was telling stories about how I came to own a few things, and we all know that no one likes our stories as much as we do).
It wasn’t until the next day that she shared it had just hit her that I would be leaving and everything we were doing was a “last time to…” event and it made her sad. While this whole process has been really exciting for me, for my friends and family it is something else entirely.
You see, it is really easy to be consumed by planning. We have money to save, possessions to sell/donate, a house to sell, vaccinations to get, medical/dental checkups, destination research to do, and about a million other little things. Whether I’ve done it consciously or not, I’ve let the planning keep me from experiencing the emotions of leaving the best friends I’ve ever had in my life.
My friend’s statement shocked me and made me cry. And then I realized the gift in the message.
Whether your lifestyle change is buying a new house, starting a business, or traveling around the world, if it is significantly different from the goals of your closest friends you will experience changes in your relationships. Smart people recognize this and work to keep their friendships strong.
I think I was cruising along with blinders on. The logistics of the trip have kept my brain too busy to listen to my heart. This has been a huge wakeup call for me.
What is your experience in moving on to a different lifestyle? Did your close friendships grow deeper or more distant? Did you end up making new friends?
Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don’t always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, b ecause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Dani, what a lovely comment. I love the line “love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.”
The people I’m talking about in this post are the friends I don’t want to lose, the kind I want to joke with in our old age (“did you know that tattoo would eventually sag like that when you got it?” kind of thing). I like your distinction of lifetime friends and friends for a reason. Both are important, but very different.
Very thoughful post Betsy. And a very good reminder to me to consider how my own life events affect my friends.
I am possibly one of those odd people, in such a global society, who has never experienced a friend moving away.
Growing up, my closest friends and I didn’t even move to different houses in the same town – we lived where we lived.
When we went off to college and into our professional lives, because we were ‘all doing it’ – I know I didn’t give much thought to what would happen to those friendships, and just presumed the one’s that were meant to stick would.
As an adult I know my friendships have changed. Some from my youth – as Dani said, were for a season – and interestingly I am now seeing some of them bloom again – thanks to social media and the ability to connect virtually.
I think that with the technology available today, those “lifetime” friends will be able to stalk you very efficiently!
And in the meantime – for the next 10 months and 13 days I know I will savor – each next “last time” – and will let your thoughts in this post be a reminder for me to take a few extra minutes to savor the moments of friendship – even with those friends who are not preparing to hit the road.
…..to the adventure we call life!
Betsy, I learned from Betsy Moore that you’re following my blog, so I had to visit yours. Your trip sounds cool, and let me suggest that you not try to go to so many places that you always remain a tourist.
I lived in Asia for 3+ years (Tokyo & Hong Kong but worked in Singapore, Australia and a few trips to China). My memories are really those of living & working there, of the people I got to know and the cultural differences.
You will love your trip and you will stay connected with your friends through this blog, letting them go with you vicariously.
Betsy,
Good point that your friends are thinking about life without you and you are thinking about life with travel. (a paraphrase).
The cool thing about moving (and it’s taken me quite a while to find the cool things!!!) is that you can reinvent yourself or, rather, be the real you that couldn’t quite come out in an old, familiar setting with old, familiar expectations.
And then there are the FIRSTS, like supporting and being supported by friends in ways you couldn’t imagine when you were all “just around the corner.”
You’re going on a big adventure and so will your friends.
Margit!
Bets:
Even though we have lived far apart for over 8 years now, it is still not easy for me and I know that you feel the same way. I am very blessed that we have a close bond that distance cannot separate – whether you are in Seattle or Ecuador. Your Mamacita will always be your number one fan in whatever path you decide to follow. I love you Baby Girl!
Mamacita
Proof that I have the best mom ever. Gracias, Mamacita!
You DO have the best mom ever!