Are you overly sensitive?
Photo by lepiaf.geo via Flickr
No matter how much you love someone, spending 24 hours a day, 365 days a year together is going to have some ups and downs. As we get closer to our departure date, I’m thinking more about the relationship perks, strains, and changes that lie ahead. You may not be traveling around the world with your mate, but if you are working on any sort of project together – hell, even the just adjusting to the first year of living together – you will probably be able to relate.
The main thing I’ve been worried about lately is criticism. See, we live together, work part-time together, and are setting off on this trip together. While we do love each other, we also have to be business partners. And it has been hard for me to adjust to that last part, at least in the area of criticism.
For a while I’ve been thinking that Warren is too harsh in his criticism. And he thinks I’m too sensitive and make it hard for him to say things that need to be said to propel this blog, our business and this trip forward.
So I’ve performed a little experiment that has changed my perspective on the situation. Perhaps this can help you, too.
The Sensitivity Experiment
For one week, I carried around a little notebook and noted when Warren said neutral or positive comments to me and the times he said negative comments. For the times he was negative, I waited a couple of days and then re-read the comment it to see if it still seemed over-critical to me.
Want to know the results?
It appears that I’m the one with the problem. And that sucks, because I’m pretty good at the martyr role and now I don’t get to play it.
Seriously, though, this little experiment has opened my eyes and helped me shift my perspective in what used to be a complete blind spot. It was impacting our business and our relationship.
No one wants to hear criticism, and most people don’t like to give it. I’m incredibly lucky that I have a partner who wants to improve our life and business. Oh yeah, and he has a lot of patience, too.
Are You Overly Sensitive?
If you get your feelings hurt a lot or you think someone is giving you a hard time, it might be worthwhile to try this experiment. Don’t make a big deal out of it, and certainly don’t tell the other person you are doing it or it will skew the findings.
One thing I found while I was doing this little experiment was that I was actively evaluating his comments to me instead of immediately going on the defensive when I heard any comment short of “you are fabulous and our life is perfect.” That in itself was a great lesson for me, no matter how the experiment came out. We all have a great deal of control in how we handle the messages to us, and interpreting them clearly – good or bad – is the first step in responding appropriately.
Do you think you are overly sensitive? Or do you live/work/love with someone who is? How do you handle it?
Such an interesting topic. To answer the question in the title of your post, yes. But I am not overly sensitive with my husband or the few people who I really trust. I find that I get sensitive when I don’t trust people and feel they are trying to hurt me. But I may just be interpreting them incorrectly because I haven’t yet learned to trust them. Hmm.
I have a friend who interprets things the way you do, Shannon. We’re constantly amazed at how differently we see the same situations/people.
My sensitivity issues are always related to the people closest to me. For example, I recently went to visit my family in NM. One relative I only see yearly and am not close to said “I would have never thought you’d be one to get fat.” Mom was with me when this was said, and I thought she was going to pounce. But to me it just sort of rolled off because this is not someone in my inner circle.
However, if my mom had said that, I would have curled into a little ball and cried. I think the barbs from those you love sting worse than barbs from those you don’t. (and how cool is it that my card-carrying AARP member mom was ready to (figuratively) throw down when someone tried to hurt her baby girl?)
Last night Betsy surprised me with the results of her “experiment” and I was surprised (in a good way) to learn that she was taking these steps and even more interested in the results. I realize that I often blur the lines between personal life and our business and this is something we have talked about a lot since launching this blog.
It is great to know that we have built a strong partnership together, that allows us to question these areas of our lives openly. I cannot imagine embarking on a dream, whatever that may be, together without this level of openness. I am lucky to have you in my life and as a partner in our business.
Now, what kind of experiments can I run on you? Hmmmmm, my mind is racing.
Warren
I LOVE this post. I’m going to link to it all over the place! This is SO valuable. Good job Betsy! (and hi to Warren)
Hi Betsy, great blog post. I used to be a super-sensitive person, not only with my husband, but with life in general. I’ve drawn a lot of wisdom and tools from my coach training; I now spend more time being curious rather than making assumptions. Your experiment is a wonderful demonstration of what it looks like to be curious in a way that allows you to step back and learn, rather than simply react. Awareness leads to perspective. Trust gives you peace.
Congratulations on the journey you’ve made, and the journey to come!
Beth
Okay, Warren. This does not give you a license to experiment on me.
Margit, thanks for sharing the post. I saw what you said on Facebook – it would work for parents/kids, wouldn’t it?
Beth, curious is my favorite word and why I am always running little experiments and projects in my life. It is great that your job allows you so much insight into your own personal life.
Oh, totally Betsy! Here’s the URL post if you have any interested parents http://blog.thegiftedteencoach.com/
Parents (especially parents of teens) often react “sensitively” to their kids – and the kids know it. Imagine if parents just stopped reacting?
Hi Betsy
What a smart thing to do before you head off on your adventure. Sometimes I can be overly sensitive to something my husband says and then I think of all the good things about him, and well, it hardly seems worth worrying about the small things although I don’t know how we would go in a working situation. He has recently given up work and I am working from home 3 days per week, so far all is going well! My daughter has said to me in the past that I hold on to things and I do tend to do that, but I am trying not to. What’s the point really? Life is too short to worry about the small things, although in a relationship 24/7 they can become big things of course!
And Warren, don’t even go there, you’re not even in the race
!
Cheers
Judy
That’s funny about the little journal…Tom and Lynette did that on Desperate Housewives this week! Oh wait, you don’t have a TV – never mind!
Thanks for having my back there, Judy.
I like Margit’s point about using this with parents and kids – I had not even thought of that, and many people may have more issues there than in their romantic relationships.
Hmmmm, always the inquisitive one aren’t you? Fantastic work Ms. Talbot – as someone who works with – lives with – plays with – exercises with – sleeps with….will you get the idea my husband. That is alot of togetherness. The perceived criticism is something we both work on – the next step is to notice the triggers – why does it feel like a criticism – instead of a question or suggestion.
I applaud you! And no Warren – she isn’t a science project
I think this post is going to change my life!
My husband and I are both a combination of sensitive and candid, which can make for difficulties when we’re not holding hands and skipping through the tulips.
I’ll keep you posted…
Debb and Angela, I’d be interested to hear how your experiments turn out. It was really an eye-opener for me. For example, I just finished cooking a lunch that did not turn out well. Warren pointed out that the crab cakes fell apart because I didn’t use enough oil.
Old me (you know, from last week) would have had my feelings hurt because he was disparaging my cooking skills (I won’t even go into all the mental tangents that would have followed, creating an even bigger scenario than what actually happened). I would have thought about it every time I prepared the same dish and probably any dish for the next several days.
New me (this week), knew that he was right and noted next time I make crab cakes I’ll use more oil.
It’s much easier to be (and live with) new me.
I live and work with my fiance, and I completely 100% agree with your post. I think that if I walked around with a pad of paper and then re-read the reasons I got upset, they would all sound so foolish to me. Thanks for the great post, it really put my relationship into perspective.
Bonnie, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Even in healthy relationships we will occasionally say something that is wrong, but that should be a fairly rare occurrence.
This experiment is also perfect to determine if your jerk-meter is broken. (“You’ll never be as hot as my last girlfriend” sounds just as bad when you reread it a few days later as it did when he said it. No way around it. And yes, this is a direct quote from an actual date I once had!)
Re: your last comment…
OMG- mine was “I love you, but not as much as my last girlfriend.”
A narcissistic jerk from way back in college.
We should start a list!
I think the list of bad date/boyfriend comments might turn into a book, Angela! I have a few really good ones:
“You look a lot thinner from behind than you do from the side.” (this was when I weighed 125 pounds!)
“I just don’t think I could ever love anyone like I did X, but that doesn’t mean I want to break up with you.”
“You are a lot taller than you said on your profile.” (which was not true – this was a match.com date where he was significantly shorter than he said – I’m not sure why he thought he could get away with that since we’d eventually meet).
What a wonderful post! I’m absolutely going to try this experiment (shhh…don’t tell my husband!). Right now, my husband and I are spending three months living in Italy to experience new culture and as a sort of belated “honeymoon.” That said, I can definitely relate to your worries about the strains, and perks, of spending so much time together on your upcoming trip (congratulations, by the way! It sound fantastic!). Since we don’t know anyone here, and are not as familiar with the language as I had hoped to be by this point, I’m realizing just how sensitive I am to many of the totally normal comments my husband makes. I think this experiment will be not only helpful for me, but also for the remaining two months of our stay here in Italy! Thanks so much for the post and the splendid idea!
Amber, what a lovely place to spend a honeymoon! I hope this experiment helps you enjoy your time even more.
My friend Paula takes women on custom tours of Italy and has a great blog about it – http://www.timeofyourlifetours.com. I’ll be sure to have her check out your blog as well.
Betsy – this is great, as are all the comments. Three things that helped me with a particularly difficult relationship (not spouse, but a family member) was:
1. Reading the Marshall Rosenberg “Nonviolent Communication” book – seriously, even though the word “violence” is in there – this is a gem of a book when working with someone closely. If people who read this post want more help with really communicating with another – this is a fantastic book.
2. Improv classes – the whole philosophy of improv is to say “yes, and” – and to help those around you to look good. Again, not directly connected to how one takes an observational comment – but a great thing to study or participate in.
3. Well, in this case – talking to a very smart therapist about the relationship dynamics was greatly helpful.
Happy to say this relationship did bloom -finally, so that is another thing about people in our lives – the evolution of a relationship.
Thanks for the great experiment and posting of it!
Lori, these are great suggestions. I’m going to check that book out. I’ve also taken improv classes, and I think they help in a thousand areas of life, from getting along with others to learning to speak up to expanding your imagination. So glad your relationship finally did bloom and that you took the time and effort to make it happen.
It’s been interesting to read about your experiment and the result. Dan and I go through these issues often as we’re traveling with each other almost 24 hours per day and we’re business partners. I’m not sure if you’re into Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), but we find that this tool helps us sort through some of the interpersonal and communication issues. For example, we’re almost complete opposites – we share one important trait – N, intuitive. This means that we react to things and communicate differently. So, Dan will say something to me that he feels is neutral while I take it as something insulting or personal. When he realizes how my type (Feeling) reacts, he can modify his behavior. Likewise, I need to remind myself that not everything should be taken as a criticism because of the way he is wired (Thinking). MBTI is quite a useful tool, both for personal and professional relationships.