Comments on: Are you overly sensitive?

By: Audrey

Audrey — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 04:34:31 +0000

It’s been interesting to read about your experiment and the result. Dan and I go through these issues often as we’re traveling with each other almost 24 hours per day and we’re business partners. I’m not sure if you’re into Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), but we find that this tool helps us sort through some of the interpersonal and communication issues. For example, we’re almost complete opposites – we share one important trait – N, intuitive. This means that we react to things and communicate differently. So, Dan will say something to me that he feels is neutral while I take it as something insulting or personal. When he realizes how my type (Feeling) reacts, he can modify his behavior. Likewise, I need to remind myself that not everything should be taken as a criticism because of the way he is wired (Thinking). MBTI is quite a useful tool, both for personal and professional relationships.

By: Betsy

Betsy — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:56:12 +0000

Lori, these are great suggestions. I’m going to check that book out. I’ve also taken improv classes, and I think they help in a thousand areas of life, from getting along with others to learning to speak up to expanding your imagination. So glad your relationship finally did bloom and that you took the time and effort to make it happen.

By: Lori Richardson

Lori Richardson — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:07:33 +0000

Betsy – this is great, as are all the comments. Three things that helped me with a particularly difficult relationship (not spouse, but a family member) was:
1. Reading the Marshall Rosenberg “Nonviolent Communication” book – seriously, even though the word “violence” is in there – this is a gem of a book when working with someone closely. If people who read this post want more help with really communicating with another – this is a fantastic book.
2. Improv classes – the whole philosophy of improv is to say “yes, and” – and to help those around you to look good. Again, not directly connected to how one takes an observational comment – but a great thing to study or participate in.
3. Well, in this case – talking to a very smart therapist about the relationship dynamics was greatly helpful.

Happy to say this relationship did bloom -finally, so that is another thing about people in our lives – the evolution of a relationship.
Thanks for the great experiment and posting of it!

By: Betsy

Betsy — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 23:13:13 +0000

Amber, what a lovely place to spend a honeymoon! I hope this experiment helps you enjoy your time even more.

My friend Paula takes women on custom tours of Italy and has a great blog about it – http://www.timeofyourlifetours.com. I’ll be sure to have her check out your blog as well.

By: Amber

Amber — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 16:36:01 +0000

What a wonderful post! I’m absolutely going to try this experiment (shhh…don’t tell my husband!). Right now, my husband and I are spending three months living in Italy to experience new culture and as a sort of belated “honeymoon.” That said, I can definitely relate to your worries about the strains, and perks, of spending so much time together on your upcoming trip (congratulations, by the way! It sound fantastic!). Since we don’t know anyone here, and are not as familiar with the language as I had hoped to be by this point, I’m realizing just how sensitive I am to many of the totally normal comments my husband makes. I think this experiment will be not only helpful for me, but also for the remaining two months of our stay here in Italy! Thanks so much for the post and the splendid idea!

By: Betsy

Betsy — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:42:22 +0000

I think the list of bad date/boyfriend comments might turn into a book, Angela! I have a few really good ones:

“You look a lot thinner from behind than you do from the side.” (this was when I weighed 125 pounds!)

“I just don’t think I could ever love anyone like I did X, but that doesn’t mean I want to break up with you.”

“You are a lot taller than you said on your profile.” (which was not true – this was a match.com date where he was significantly shorter than he said – I’m not sure why he thought he could get away with that since we’d eventually meet).

By: Angela

Angela — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:32:56 +0000

Re: your last comment…
OMG- mine was “I love you, but not as much as my last girlfriend.”
A narcissistic jerk from way back in college.

We should start a list!

By: Betsy

Betsy — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:14:48 +0000

Bonnie, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Even in healthy relationships we will occasionally say something that is wrong, but that should be a fairly rare occurrence.

This experiment is also perfect to determine if your jerk-meter is broken. (“You’ll never be as hot as my last girlfriend” sounds just as bad when you reread it a few days later as it did when he said it. No way around it. And yes, this is a direct quote from an actual date I once had!)

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:35:37 +0000

I live and work with my fiance, and I completely 100% agree with your post. I think that if I walked around with a pad of paper and then re-read the reasons I got upset, they would all sound so foolish to me. Thanks for the great post, it really put my relationship into perspective.

By: Betsy

Betsy — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:15:56 +0000

Debb and Angela, I’d be interested to hear how your experiments turn out. It was really an eye-opener for me. For example, I just finished cooking a lunch that did not turn out well. Warren pointed out that the crab cakes fell apart because I didn’t use enough oil.

Old me (you know, from last week) would have had my feelings hurt because he was disparaging my cooking skills (I won’t even go into all the mental tangents that would have followed, creating an even bigger scenario than what actually happened). I would have thought about it every time I prepared the same dish and probably any dish for the next several days.

New me (this week), knew that he was right and noted next time I make crab cakes I’ll use more oil.

It’s much easier to be (and live with) new me.