Editor’s Note: This is the third in a series of essays about the voices in our heads. Click here to read the earlier entries, the bitchy little voice and the drama queen.
How do I start with this voice? There is no middle ground, no soft introduction. It isn’t even a voice you can categorize with a masculine or feminine personality. The Black & White voice contains no gradations, no variations, no personality. It just IS.
He wears black mostly, and his black hair hangs in his face so you can’t see his eyes. He is easily frustrated and his signature move is to turn on his heel and walk away. If there is a door to slam for emphasis, he’ll find it. If the voice were a celebrity, it would look like Marilyn Manson and act like Rush Limbaugh.
This voice is the one that encourages you to make snap judgements about a situation. It is all or nothing, completely perfect or a total failure, absolutely achievable or mission impossible, and since most things aren’t perfect, the voice usually comes down on the negative side.
The voice would rather have you stay still and do nothing than dip your toe into an imperfect situation. Trying to make it better without a perfect success record just paints you as a loser whose standards weren’t high enough to begin with.
This voice can be deadly for your work and social relationships because it paints you as an extremist. People are a little taken aback at your intense reactions to the most mundane situations, and when you are in the grips of this voice you might get the feedback that you are too wound up or need to chill out. If people don’t flee your presence first.
Examples of Black and White Thinking:
- You throw a dinner party for close friends and burn the bread you meant to use with the selection of dips for the appetizer course. You agonize over your “ruined” dinner party even though your friends are happily milling around, talking and drinking, oblivious to your catastrophe. Instead of just pulling some crackers from the cabinet and making do, you dramatically pour all your homemade dips down the drain and cast a dark cloud over the rest of the evening.
- You go to give a presentation at work, one that you have slaved over for weeks. You know it by heart, and your Power Point presentation is a work of art. As you get ready to present, there is a technical problem and the Power Point presentation will not load. Instead of going through your otherwise perfectly prepared presentation and landing all the points – it is about the information and not the method of delivery, after all – you scrap it and tell the client you’ll have to do it later when you’ve fixed the problem. Your client is confused and pissed that you wasted her time.
- You go on a trip to a sunny locale in the middle of winter. You have an itinerary, but something happens to disrupt it on day one – a late flight, an illness, lost luggage, a misplaced reservation – and you think your trip is ruined. Instead of working out a quick detour, you focus on all the ways the trip has gone wrong and how you cannot recover it. You get through it and go home, complaining to everyone about how awful a visit to a sunny locale in winter actually is. Not so surprisingly, people think you are a jackass for moaning about a “ruined” trip to Hawaii while they freeze their buns off in North Dakota.
In all three scenarios, fear springs up to tell you that if something doesn’t go exactly as planned, it is a failure. If your endeavor can’t be fool-proofed from the start, there is no reason to attempt it. 100% success is the only option, and anything less is complete failure. There is no middle ground.
Black and White is tough, and if truth be told it is mostly Black. People who rely on this voice like to think of themselves as realists, possibly even cynics who are asking all the hard questions no one else has to guts to ask, but in reality they are backsliding into childhood responses, using basic words to describe complex situations and leaning heavily on the words always, never, nothing, and everything.
Trying something always means the risk of failure, and the voice hates that chance. He views failure as a failure, not a means to an end, a path to success. He doesn’t understand that failure is part of the process, a necessary step to help us do better going forward, learn the things we cannot grasp by theory alone, and possibly even point us in a new direction we can’t find without sometimes blindly feeling our way and messing up.
His exact opposite is the Rainbow voice (not so coincidentally the voice of the gay rights movement, where acceptance of diversity
is the norm.)
Perfection is the only option for this voice, which means you’ll never make it happy. Perfection is the killer of every great idea under the sun, and until you learn to silence or ignore this voice, he will keep you stuck in place, scared to make a move and unhappy every time you do.
How to silence the Black and White voice
- I just told you it sounds like Rush Limbaugh and looks like Marilyn Manson. Do you seriously need more than that? Seriously, though, eliminate the words always, never, nothing, and everything from your vocabulary and learn to accurately describe the situation.
- It’s a numbers game. If this voice is a problem for you, begin assigning percentages to every situation. Nothing is ever 100% bad or 100% good. As you train your brain to evaluate the events around you, you’ll be more realistic in judging your own events and decisions.
- Verify your opinion with the people around you. “Am I overreacting to this, or do you think the burned bread has ruined the evening?” “If you were me, would you say screw it at the messed up reservation and fly back to snowy North Dakota or take the smaller room at this hotel in Hawaii?” Sometimes just saying it out loud will alert you to the ridiculousness of your reaction.
Now if someone could just forward this post to Rush Limbaugh our work would be done.
About Betsy
I totally get this voice, since it’s particularly strong in people with Asperger’s. It’s so hard to see that the middle ground might be a even better choice than all or nothing. Thank you for the tips on how to handle the B&W voice, I will use them to smack the voice over the head with it next time it appears
AK recently posted..How to settle in to a new city – Asperger’s style
AK, I was reading about how this thought process is really prevalent in autism spectrum disorders as I was writing the article. One of the suggestions was to outline which situations are black-and-white (always) and which ones are gray (sometimes) so the person with Asperger’s can have some comfort in knowing that the unexpected is coming up. (The expected unexpected, I guess.)
I’m so glad you included a link to your blog with your comment. People will be very interested in your story, Asperger’s or not, because you continually challenge yourself and face change, which is doubly hard for you. You inspire me, and I know you’ll inspire others.
For people without Asperger’s, I love the advice about assigning numbers/percentage or taking away the extreme words from your vocabulary to force a rethink of the situation. I can envision this for a few people I know for sure!
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
We have a family member who is constantly like this – in an extreme, extroverted way. For instance, if she can’t find a close-to-the-door parking spot at a store, she’ll angrily think it’s not meant to be and go home. So it’s a constant reminder to keep ourselves in check and to keep that sort of thinking far far away. Strange how having those examples in your life can serve to keep you on track.
Kent @ NVRguys recently posted..Off the Beaten Path Is a Mindset
Kent, the close parking spot fetish is such a US thing, isn’t it? I haven’t run across this in any other country we’ve visited. Funny to realize that just now!
The best way to avoid any kind of extreme thinking is to visualize someone like your family member and how it impacts their lives and the lives of those around them. In our family we had a member who was notoriously cheap, actually burying money in the backyard in coffee cans, among other things. We remind each other of him when we see someone getting too freaked out about money or hoarding. It works!
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
I grew up in a “Black Thinking”home. There was no half full glass, no gold at the end of the rainbow, it was all if something can go wrong it will. I have worked very hard to leave this behind and have been able to change 90% of negative thoughts to 90% positive awesomeness!! I will chip away at the other 10%… Donna Royer lived at 110% positive thinking and I plan to follow in her footsteps! So glad I found your writings, Betsy, they remind me of her!
Tracy, I’m so glad you have overcome this thinking. It can really be a heavy burden to think things have to be absolutely perfect to be okay.
Donna was a bright light in a sea of negativity, wasn’t she? I keep thinking of her work with cancer patients and how she encouraged them every step of the way during difficult recovery periods. It would be very easy to fall into black and white thinking when dealing with an often terminal illness, but she didn’t.
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
Hooray, a voice I DON’T usually have running through my head. Maybe its not as crowded as I think in there : )
Consider the situation I had today with my breadmaker. Somehow during the kneading process it walked off the counter and fell on the floor, the lid broke off but somehow (!) the bread ended up sticking to the top where I found it all sad and deflated (and somewhat dry) when I returned home. Did I wail and gnash my teeth? NO! I added a little water, rekneaded it a little, stuck it back in the breadmaker and voila! Bread! Somewhat “dense” bread I’m sure and I haven’t actually eaten it yet but bread none the less : ) Had I had this little voice in my head, there would be no bread and probably a breadmaker thrown out the back door- still not sure how it managed to fall off!
Michelle, I think if you had this voice you would have stopped baking bread altogether since you couldn’t trust the breadmaker anymore.
I don’t think I suffer from this much (the drama queen is more my type of gal), but I am paying attention to the extreme language I use, like always/never and overly dramatic words for common situations (“exhausted” instead of “sleepy” and such). It’s interesting to see how these little voices weasel into our brains, isn’t it?
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
I have to say that I find this a little bizarre. Well, a lot bizarre, actually. Certainly little kids have a black or white view of things, but adults? Really?
How many times does everything go right? For me, pretty much never. Black and white thinking would ruin my life, when being adaptable allows it to be awesome.
That’s the key, Rob. Black and white thinking DOES ruin people’s lives because they have such outlandish expectations. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. People do this all the time, so it makes sense that they would also suffer from the related issue of all-or-nothing expectations. I think Kent’s description above of the relative who freaks out over parking spaces is an excellent example of this voice at work. (Overtime, in fact)
I’ve always said my best trait was being adaptable, and I stand by it. And since my maiden name is Gray, I guess I’m hardwired to be immune to at least this voice!
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
um yeah, that’s me – you nailed it! Doesn’t look so pretty on paper/computer screen
I like the analogy “using basic words to describe complex situations” – that IS what I do!!
You could have also called it “temper tantrum” and been accurate – LOL!
Karen, I can say this because I know you personally – you have done a LOT of work to overcome this, and I am in awe of how you have rewired your brain over the past few years. In fact, I’d love it if you could help me with my drama queen tendencies….
I’ll give you some adverbs and adjectives if you’ll share some nouns with me. Then we’ll both be just about right.
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
You nailed it, Betsy.
I ALWAYS avoid people like this because they are NEVER fun to be around. They think that NOTHING should ever go wrong and EVERYTHING should be perfect . . .
Life is MESSY. The “what is” IS. Instead of “backsliding into childhood (and childish!) responses” . . . we should deal with IT . . . whatever IT is.
Or as Teddy would say: Do what you can . . . with what you have . . . where you are.
nrhatch recently posted..Photo Challenge ~ Simple
nrhatch, I love that last line!
AK recently posted..How to settle in to a new city – Asperger’s style
nrhatch, brilliant as usual. I like the idea of avoiding extreme words like always and never – most of us don’t realize we do this until we start looking for this, and awareness is the first step in getting to the root of the problem.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ALWAYS.
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
Edward, of course they are all in our heads – that’s why we can’t hear ourselves think!
Betsy recently posted..The Sound of Fear: Black and White
So true Betsy…I find myself very Black in social situations and things like building/fixing something. Even though my abilities are suspect anyway I have the expectation it’ll come out 100 percent when I’m finished and agonize when it doesn’t (as should have been anticipated), your burnt bread example is me to a tee. On the other hand, when travelling and living life day to day I roll with the punches. For example, our first full day on a trip to Portugal several years ago I managed to back the rental car into a castle (don’t ask) scraping the rear fender. And while Debra was rocking in a fetal position on the cobblestone street envisioning the loss of the 750euro damage deposit I said, “Look on the bright side, we have the car for another two weeks. We can beat the crap out of it and it won’t cost us any more!”. So, all I can say is that I’ll try to take your advice and apply the percentages in those situations where I naturally head to the ‘Black Side’. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
Grant, I love it that you can recognize this about yourself. Isn’t that half the battle? I feel the same way about being a drama queen (plus shades of a few other voices you’ll read about in the coming weeks).
Your Portugal example shows you have a lot more Rainbow thinking than you might think, Grant. Brilliant!
This has been a great series of posts.
I had to laugh at your examples! Are they personal experiences . . . or did you poll some friends? Or just make them up? In any event they’re spot on!
Perfectionism and this all-or-nothing mindset has got to be the #1 culprit for keeping us stuck in places we don’t want to be. In fact, isn’t it simply a “convenient tool” to give us an excuse to stay stuck and not take risks–even tiny ones–because we’re afraid?
Also, isn’t this mind set reinforced with the habit of comparing our weaknesses (or talents we haven’t developed yet) against other’s strengths? I mean, if I can’t write a blog post as well as Betsy . . . I might as well not write one at all!
lol!!
Perfectionism: An excuse to not take action and rot in your comfort zone!
Another great post, Betsy!
Tranque, I do admit to some dramatic license occasionally (I’m a bit of a drama queen, but not quite as bad as what I portrayed in that article), but the examples I write about are always based in fact. I mean, you just can’t make some of this stuff up. I have to be really, really careful about telling stories, though. It is one thing for us to be transparent about our lives and another thing altogether for me to bring other people to the stage. So I change it enough so that people who may read it won’t know who I’m talking about.
What’s really funny about this, though, is that I always get emails from my friends wondering if a story/example was about them, and it never is. Amazing how we see ourselves in these situations, huh? The human experience is universal.
The perfection thing really is a killer. I recently read a quote that has stuck with me: “We compare our behind-the-scenes footage to everyone else’s highlight reel. When you realize that we all have a behind-the-scenes reel, it makes it easier to take action.