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You’re at a party and you’re trapped in the corner with a guy who knows everything under the sun and your job is to simply acknowledge his brilliance with an occasional nod. Or maybe your kid’s Saturday morning soccer game gives you the opportunity to learn all the best parenting / dieting / political advice from the self-appointed Super Mom of the neighborhood. And sometimes you work for this type of person, the one who doesn’t want your feedback on the job you know inside and out, and expects you to robotically obey his or her commands and never call in sick.
We’ve met hundreds of people in our travels and run into more than a few know-it-alls. Today you’ll learn how we handle the various types so you can avoid being trapped in the future. And for your added enjoyment, you’ll learn why we decided to get down off our own soapbox to have a better conversation with you.
Types of Know-it-Alls
There are 3 basic kinds of know-it-alls, and the types hold true across borders and languages. (I’m referring to the know-it-alls as males for ease of writing, but there is no gender distinction in real life.)
The Evangelist
Sometimes a know-it-all is just really into it, like the off-the-grid hostel owner we met in Peru. He could not stop talking about how liberating it was to live without a phone, internet, or television and one hour away from the closest village. He even glamorized intestinal parasites…over dinner.
Good for him. We want civilization.
Evangelists have experienced great joy or incredible results from an action, event, or realization and they cannot imagine why everyone in the world wouldn’t be interested in it.
These people can be instructive, annoying, or just plain humorous. Or all 3 at once. The main problem is they have no filter and just spew information rather than waiting to share in a conversation with interested parties.
How to handle an Evangelist when you don’t want the message at all: “I’m really happy this worked out so well for you, but it’s not for me.”
How to handle an Evangelist when you don’t want so much information: “This sounds interesting. Can you recommend a book/website/podcast I can check out later for more info?”
Then change the subject or walk/run away. Unless you happen to be an hour from the nearest town and without internet, phone or television in remote Peru.
The All Talk, No Action Person
We meet this guy a lot in the common room of guesthouses and hostels all over the world. He holds court to tell all the other travelers how to best enjoy their time in the area, but he rarely seems to actually leave himself. He’s always working on a money-making strategy that will change the way we look at something core to our lives. When he’s not Facebooking or drinking beer, that is.
This know-it-all has solutions for almost any problem, but none of them are road-tested. He is quick to tell you how to do something he’s never done. He’s always “getting ready to” do something big.
The All Talk, No Action person is more concerned with what others think of him than what he thinks of himself. This is why he wants to impress and why he is so scared of failure that he doesn’t ever follow through on his grand plans.
How to handle an All Talk, No Action guy: Call him on it. Ask for his personal experience or tell him you’ll revisit the topic when he’s actually done it.
Been There, Done That
This is similar to the All Talk, No Action Person, but this one always has a personal experience or a “good friend” who did exactly what you just did but better or in a way you can’t possibly replicate if it is something you plan to do tomorrow.
He is the black hole of fun, always tamping down your experience with a bigger and better tale of his own (or one from his thousands of “good buddies”) that is hardly believable. I’ve seen him rain on the parades of travelers who come back to the guesthouse excited about an experience, only to be told it was far less worthy than his.
This guy is pretty insecure, which leads to his need to dominate every exchange and come out the winner. Why should he care if his Machu Picchu experience was better than yours? Isn’t it cool that you both went and can talk about it?
It’s hard to imagine the aggressive know-it-all is scared underneath the crunchy outer layer, but it is true. Otherwise, why all the bravado and posturing? These people typically haven’t been there and done that. They most often got their information second or third hand, and any credible challenge to it will crumble it. So will ignoring it.
How to handle the Been There, Done That guy: Ignore this guy. Since his commentary isn’t often based in fact, you’ll never have a decent conversation. Better to go out and enjoy your life and let him keep talking about it.
What This has to Do with Comments
We turned off the comments on this site last summer. We thought we’d move the conversation to Facebook, where it would be even more social.
What we discovered is that people don’t always want to comment on personal growth articles when all their friends and family can read them (especially if those friends and family happen to be know-it-alls). We missed some really great conversation with you guys, and you weren’t able to share your perspective. We all lost out in this scenario.
Our “evangelism” over living the good life started to look a lot more like 2 people on a soapbox on the corner instead of 2 people hosting a dinner party in their virtual home for interesting people.
So, we invite you to come back in, take your shoes off, and get comfortable. Tell us what you think about this article, the comments being on or off, or how your new year is starting. Ask a question, tell a story, or share an idea.
The door is open, and we’d love to have a conversation with you.
About Betsy Talbot
Yay! Comments! You’re right; there are times I will join the conversation on FB and times when I prefer to comment right at the source. You know sometimes, when I’m telling my stories, I worry that I’m coming across as a know-it-all. I hope not though.
Welcome back Gillian! We’re all experts at our own stories; it’s just when we don’t allow others to share or have to always “one up” that it turns into a problem. If you’re worried about being a know-it-all, you’re probably not.
Glad to see the comments come back! I always find it so interesting how and where people “socialize” on the web. You just never quite know what will work until you give it a try.
I like scrolling through others comments (as long as they are not the snarky, know-it-all ones found in some places) after reading a story, so am glad you decided to turn this feature back on.
Hi, Kathleen. One thing I like about our comments is that they are usually insightful and add to the conversation. There’s not a lot of chest beating, snarkiness, or aggressive behavior. We treat the comments like a conversation in our living room (if we had one), and if one guest misbehaves toward another we hand them their coat and ask them to leave.
I continue to enjoy reading your blog/newsletter and have had it on my daily “blog check” list for months now. It is inspiring, thought-provoking, a kick in the pants (in a good way) and a great reminder to me to get out there and get it done. No specific comment here, just a general thank you for continuing to write, share of yourselves and inspire! I really enjoy it and always take away something helpful.
Thanks, Amy. That might be our new tag line: A kick in the pants (in a good way)! Though we’re not above a kick in the pants ourselves – readers Rob and Beth both told us to TURN COMMENTS BACK ON! And we listened.
Thanks for having us “over” – it always feels like deeper and richer conversations happen on the website vs. soundbites on social media. I look forward to continuing to learn about the other “guests” at the party and hearing their perspectives on this wonderful journey we are all on together. XO
Welcome back, Debb! The conversation is always more insightful when you join in.
This is a good move from an organizational standpoint, as well. It’s very easy to miss topics on FB if you don’t follow it every day. This way the comments can stay with the topic and thoughts/comments aren’t all over the place.
Good point, Catherine. Sometimes I don’t read my favorite websites until a week after a post comes out, and by that point I’d never find it on Facebook. We’ll still be sharing pictures and things over on Facebook, but it just makes sense to move the comments back to the original article.
Hi guys,
We’ve been following your adventure all year (since I stumbled across your website) and we think you a both wonderful! My husband and I also left our old ‘conventional’ life behind for a life of the unknown on the road and you have both been a constant source of great information, touching stories and some awesome laughs (I LOVED your recent outtake video on youtube – No pants LOL).
So thank you for that and thank you for opening the comments back up so I can tell you all this
Keep up the good work. You inspire us to be the best we can be and keep living our dream life.. and to some day tell our own story!
Nicole (& Michael)
Hi Nicole (& Michael). What a great adventure! I can’t wait to hear your story when you’re ready to tell it. And thank you for the very kind words. I love to know when our message resonates with someone else. Happy travels!
Hey Ms. Betsy,
I think this is a very good (and brave) post. Especially the part about “coming down off the soap box.” It’s sometimes hard (in this modern, solo-entrepreneurial world!) to always know EXACTLY where the line is between enthusiasm and evangelism. Or, between genuine beliefs and real relationships and. “maintaining the brand.”
You guys have big hearts and generous spirits. It’s great to see you adapting and growing, and opening things up on your blog so we can all share in the conversation, and friendship together.
Anyway, keep me posted on SF catch-up, by the way! I’m waiting for all your additional edits, too!!
Big hugs,
shea
Shea, thanks for the support. We are trying to keep our lessons transparent, even when we don’t look so great. You’ll be interested in the upcoming post on our last book, Strip Off Your Fear, and the big mistakes and lessons from it. It’s gonna be juicy!
And we are very much looking forward to seeing you again. First time in London, second time in San Francisco. Makes me wonder what great city the third meetup will be in.
I always enjoy your posts and they continue to help us in our journey. I have to say I am so happy to have the comments back open!! I really enjoy reading what your other readers have going on and get a chance to connect with you guys. I have to say I have missed being able to connect with your audience which is full of great people.
I have in the last year been using the calling people out on their information. I have a lot of All Talk, No action people in my family (again glad this isn’t’ on Facebook) and in using this “oh please give me your actual experience” answer has cut a lot of the All Talk conversations down to almost nothing. I am more than happy to hear information from people with real life experience.
It has actually made a lot of our family gatherings more enjoyable because those conversations have stopped.
So happy to have commenting back. (Big smile)
Hola, Paz! It’s so nice to have you back here (and to confirm what we suspected with the privacy issue on FB). Not that this site is private, but it isn’t linked to your Aunt Sue or Cousin Bill who might not appreciate your honesty as much as we do.
Calling people on it – and learning to call ourselves out with our own claims – has been a real growing experience for us. Are we sharing to inform or to hold court? And is the person sharing trying to converse with us or convert us? Big difference in how we view the conversation. Thanks for your input and real life experience, Paz.
And enjoy those family gatherings!
What a great post! I will admit publicly, I am an evangelist and recently came to realize it is so annoying to people! It’s how you describe too, when I get really excited about something I want to share, share, share (seriously, not to brag but to help!). I have recently been more aware and watching body language and other clues on conversation to realize I need to stop, and the other person will ask for more, be grateful I stopped or follow up with me later.
I took a personality profile test at work, and was typed as an “Opinions” based personality. This gave me great insight. Doesn’t necessarily mean opinionated, but rather that I filter everything through my beliefs. My beliefs whether this is good/bad, right/wrong, delightful/disgusting, etc. I make a judgement on everything but not in a negative way. But, this also comes across as being a know it all because I take a position, naturally, on everything. It’s exhausting, and I more-so realize how exhausting it is for everyone else to have to listen to my soapbox speeches.
Tiffany, how great that you realize this about yourself. Your enthusiasm will take you very far, but knowing when/where to exercise it will get you across the finish line. You have the best combination if you can keep that awareness. This is why I love personal growth/reflection; this little bit of knowledge about yourself will help you be more effective on the causes you most believe in. Good luck!
Thanks for the reminders.
You two are among very few people we know who also like to take the time to *listen*. To learn. To ask questions. To express interest. To care.
That kind of behavior goes a long way in ensuring that know-it-all actions don’t pop up. You have nothing to worry about.
Thanks, guys. We LOVE that you also live without a cell phone. It makes dinner conversation focused, intense, and fabulous. We need to collaborate on a video chat sometime – it would be great!
Damn… Now I’m trying to work out which tactic you guys used on me.
Oh yeah… I remember now
Still waiting for the pair of you to get back over to this side of the world. We have a trip to Timbuktu to do!
Hehehe! Yes, we will plan a trip to Timbuktu so you can cross it off your list!
Woo-hoo for comments! I tend to converse a lot with people who read my posts on Twitter, but Facebook has been a vast wasteland for being social. With edge rank, only about 1/3 the people who “like” you, see your posts. I don’t remember the last time I saw one of your posts on Facebook. I think comments are the best way to go for engagement. Hope you are having a wonderful adventure!
Thanks for the validation, Michelle. It pains me to know people who want our message don’t get it (and I’m not getting the messages of people I want to read). Very frustrating. I’ve been spending more time on Google Plus lately and think it is a great blend of Twitter and Facebook, but I know most people will stay where their friends and family are, and I don’t blame them. So we’ll just keep the conversation here!
Great reminder about the importance of blog comments, and having conversations where your readers want to gather. I’ll be sharing this!
Hello you two travellers,
You kicked my backside with your newsletters, I got so excited and took the leap, no
stopping me.
I kept travelling since my first trip got sorted and read all your news ,I mean eat them,
gobbled them up.
But got a little frustrated as well and am very pleased that you have realised your soapbox position.
position, am looking forward to more news letters, writing this I am in snow covered
Switzerland loving every second.
Thanks for the big kick, I doubt wether I would have started to live my dream at that time
or ever? Who knows.
Love and Blessings
Annamarie
My uncle sent me the link to your blog and I’m so glad he did (I believe you recently met him in Mexico–an American man also studying Spanish). I’ll be spending some time on here, for sure, and I’m glad the comments are on.
Happy travels!!! Keep sharing–it inspires others (more on that later….)
T