From the Mailbag:
I am struggling with obligations to extended family and the guilty feelings associated with choosing what I want instead of putting them first.”
Welcome to the club, fellow human.
No matter what your dream or goal, you’ve experienced this very same emotion. You feel guilty wanting something else for yourself, or for letting go of some of the responsibility to other people in your life in order to get it.
You feel this way because you’re a nice person.
The good news is that you don’t have to become a sociopath to get over your feelings of guilt. And once you figure this out, you’ll have a much easier path to making your dreams come true.
Why You Feel Guilty
Guilt is a feeling that happens when you think you’ve done something wrong. Notice I said, “think.” While feeling guilty is normal and beneficial when you have broken a promise or hurt someone (and why you then apologize or make amends), it can bring your life to a standstill if you give it permission to judge every single action that could possibly impact another person in any way, shape, or form.
It’s like the butterfly effect in your head. You decide to take a class on Tuesday evenings and your entire family starves in the 3 hours you’re gone because they can’t possibly feed themselves without you. Or something like that.
The bigger your area of perceived responsibility in this world, the bigger potential you have for guilty feelings.
- “He needs my help.”
- “She needs me to do that for her.”
- “They can’t do it without me.”
- “It’s up to me or it won’t get done.”
- “It’s just easier for me to do it than to teach him how.”
The help you first gave out of love and support and interest becomes a requirement that ties you down. You begin denying yourself in numerous areas of your life so you can meet these unrealistic obligations. Pretty soon you’re damn tired, more than a little resentful, and guilty for feeling that way.
The Relationship between Ego and Guilt
Dealing with guilt often starts by dealing with your ego. - Click here to tweet this
When I lived in New Mexico I anointed myself as head of our family. Oh, not out loud, of course, but definitely in my mind. It was up to me to give parenting guidance to my younger brothers, manage my mother-in-law’s adjustment issues with retirement, encourage my own mother to get out of her empty nest funk with college, support my dad through a forced job change, and keep my then-husband in a healthy state of mind through a stressful job situation. Not to mention all that I was doing at work and with my friends.
I was Big Sister on steroids to everyone that would let me.
And damn, was I tired.
When I finally felt “persecuted” by these obligations enough to quit everything to follow my dreams, I discovered a very unsettling fact:
I had an ego the size of Texas.
You see, these people didn’t actually need my help, at least not to the level I was forcing upon them. And it wasn’t until I left town to pursue my own dreams that I figured this out.
They missed me, sure. But they got along just fine without my intervention. All of them. In fact, they did better on their own than when I was “helping” them out.
And when I felt a teensy tiny bit bad about that, that they really didn’t need me as much as I thought they did, I realized the problem was my ego.
Is Your Ego in the Way?
You’re a nice person. We’ve already established this. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have an ego problem.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by obligations to your extended family members, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, it’s time to figure out whether you are bringing it down on yourself.
(Which is actually a good problem to have because you can fix it.)
Imagine leaving your regular life for the next 3 months. You have to go far away to work on a very secret project and can have no outside interaction with your family and friends for the entire 3 months, even by phone or email.
What would happen to all those people you left behind?
It may not turn out like you want or how you would do it, but much of the time people can get along just fine on their own. They learn, grow, and stretch their boundaries. They become more capable.
- Sometimes things don’t get done (and the world doesn’t end)
- Sometimes people stumble (but they recover)
- Sometimes they have to learn the consequences of their behavior so they’ll stop doing it
Less Ego = Less Guilt
When you give yourself permission to follow your dreams you’re telling the people around you it’s important for them, too. You’re giving them a chance to try new things, make mistakes, and generally participate in life. You are telling them you believe in them.
By taking away your nonessential help, you’re helping them become more capable of helping themselves.
And when most of us are successful in creating the lives we want, we have the energy and time to help those who truly need to be helped.
If you’re living your life for someone else (by accident or on purpose), we can help you straighten that out in about 218 pages. Click here to learn more about confidence, speaking up, and living the life you want.
About Betsy
I am so in need of this post as we try to leave again and feel guilty for the wedding we will miss, and the cousins our kids won’t spend time with. We are trying to figure out which obligations are real obligations that we need to listen to and which are our egos. Ahhh! One thing we have noticed though is that family members aren’t happy for our absence and see it as selfish. That we would choose to travel vs spend a weekend here or there. We have tried to explain that it isn’t about them but about us. However we still get the glances and glares as we explain why we can’t make certain occasions and feel like we are making excuses when in fact they aren’t excuses but just different choices.
I am so in need of this post as we try to leave again and feel guilty for the wedding we will miss, and the cousins our kids won’t spend time with. We are trying to figure out which obligations are real obligations that we need to listen to and which are our egos. Ahhh! One thing we have noticed though is that family members aren’t happy for our absence and see it as selfish. That we would choose to travel vs spend a weekend here or there. We have tried to explain that it isn’t about them but about us. However we still get the glances and glares as we explain why we can’t make certain occasions and feel like we are making excuses when in fact they aren’t excuses but just different choices.
Nice article! This kind of guilt is all well and good and fixable. My guilt in traveling and dream chasing, however, comes in other countries. I feel terrible about looking the other way from beggars or saying no over and over to vendors who are just trying to feed their family. We struggle in trying not to run out of money before our retirement money kicks in in a few years, so we don’t buy extra things and only give a little change to some. I feel terrible eating in a sidewalk restaurant, maybe even with a glass of wine, but I “can’t” help out the endless stream of vendors and beggars that see me? I’m on “perpetual vacation,” and these people can’t afford to even have a day off to be sick because then they will be hungry too. I feel selfish and conspicuous all the time. How do you guys deal with that in your travels?
Dixie, you bring up a really great point. It’s tough to see people struggling when you’re doing well, and that doesn’t matter whether you’re halfway around the world or encountering a homeless person in your hometown. You may have enough money to live a nice life, but you don’t have enough to help every person who needs it — even if you win the lottery. And handouts aren’t always the solution.
The best course of action we’ve found is to focus our efforts (time, money, resources) on the causes we most believe in instead of individual handouts. Again, it’s an ego thing. You want to feel good for helping them in the moment, but a dollar here or there isn’t going to change their lives. Giving to an aid organization that provides long-term assistance and education probably will. (Even a small local organization - we once did a fundraiser for a local clinic in Ecuador to buy much-needed medicines. It was a much bigger impact than giving a few dollars here and there to a very poor community.)
Nice article! This kind of guilt is all well and good and fixable. My guilt in traveling and dream chasing, however, comes in other countries. I feel terrible about looking the other way from beggars or saying no over and over to vendors who are just trying to feed their family. We struggle in trying not to run out of money before our retirement money kicks in in a few years, so we don’t buy extra things and only give a little change to some. I feel terrible eating in a sidewalk restaurant, maybe even with a glass of wine, but I “can’t” help out the endless stream of vendors and beggars that see me? I’m on “perpetual vacation,” and these people can’t afford to even have a day off to be sick because then they will be hungry too. I feel selfish and conspicuous all the time. How do you guys deal with that in your travels?
Dixie, you bring up a really great point. It’s tough to see people struggling when you’re doing well, and that doesn’t matter whether you’re halfway around the world or encountering a homeless person in your hometown. You may have enough money to live a nice life, but you don’t have enough to help every person who needs it — even if you win the lottery. And handouts aren’t always the solution.
The best course of action we’ve found is to focus our efforts (time, money, resources) on the causes we most believe in instead of individual handouts. Again, it’s an ego thing. You want to feel good for helping them in the moment, but a dollar here or there isn’t going to change their lives. Giving to an aid organization that provides long-term assistance and education probably will. (Even a small local organization - we once did a fundraiser for a local clinic in Ecuador to buy much-needed medicines. It was a much bigger impact than giving a few dollars here and there to a very poor community.)
Hi, Paz. You hit the nail on the head: it’s all about choices. What other people choose as priorities and what you choose as priorities. We don’t have to agree (how boring it would be if we were all the same!), but we do have to give each other the space and respect to pursue what they want most in life. I think most people want to do that, but they can’t help but wonder why you don’t make the same choices as them (and vice versa). And that’s where the guilt trips start.
Good luck!
Hi, Paz. You hit the nail on the head: it’s all about choices. What other people choose as priorities and what you choose as priorities. We don’t have to agree (how boring it would be if we were all the same!), but we do have to give each other the space and respect to pursue what they want most in life. I think most people want to do that, but they can’t help but wonder why you don’t make the same choices as them (and vice versa). And that’s where the guilt trips start.
Good luck!
Excellent post, Betsy.
Fear + Guilt = 2 of the biggest reasons that people abandon their dreams (and make themselves miserable). Sometimes “they” lay the guilt on us with a trowel to get us to do what “they” want us to do ~ “but it won’t be the same if you don’t attend.”
In the end, we may have to choose between pleasing THEM (even if there is no pleasing them) or pleasing ourselves (a better bet).
Cheers! nancy
A great point, nrhatch - no matter what you do, sometimes there is no pleasing them. So why jump through all the hoops in the first place?
Excellent post, Betsy.
Fear + Guilt = 2 of the biggest reasons that people abandon their dreams (and make themselves miserable). Sometimes “they” lay the guilt on us with a trowel to get us to do what “they” want us to do ~ “but it won’t be the same if you don’t attend.”
In the end, we may have to choose between pleasing THEM (even if there is no pleasing them) or pleasing ourselves (a better bet).
Cheers! nancy
A great point, nrhatch - no matter what you do, sometimes there is no pleasing them. So why jump through all the hoops in the first place?
I can really relate to this on sooo many levels. I have a 20 yr old son that I struggle with- assisting him him while getting him to develop his independence. Also with family at this time because we are relocating across the country in a month. Getting family to understand that it is totally about us and not them. We are pursuing our adventure, what we think is best for us.
Hi, Nichole. Helping a 20yo son would be a struggle in the best of circumstances! And it is so hard to step back when you can see a mistake looming. But isn’t that where some of the best lessons come from?
Good luck on your cross-country move. It’s a stressful time, but you’ll have a great adventure waiting for you when you get there!
I can really relate to this on sooo many levels. I have a 20 yr old son that I struggle with- assisting him him while getting him to develop his independence. Also with family at this time because we are relocating across the country in a month. Getting family to understand that it is totally about us and not them. We are pursuing our adventure, what we think is best for us.
Hi, Nichole. Helping a 20yo son would be a struggle in the best of circumstances! And it is so hard to step back when you can see a mistake looming. But isn’t that where some of the best lessons come from?
Good luck on your cross-country move. It’s a stressful time, but you’ll have a great adventure waiting for you when you get there!
Increased communication with family and significant others works wonders. Talking frankly about how much a goal means to you may make others more empathetic.
Mike, it’s all about buy-in. When people you love buy in to your goals and why you want to achieve them they are more supportive along the way. You don’t have to get their buy-in to move forward, but it makes things a lot more pleasant if you do.
Increased communication with family and significant others works wonders. Talking frankly about how much a goal means to you may make others more empathetic.
Mike, it’s all about buy-in. When people you love buy in to your goals and why you want to achieve them they are more supportive along the way. You don’t have to get their buy-in to move forward, but it makes things a lot more pleasant if you do.
Good stuff … I was just talking about this to my wife today and how I need to let go of worrying about my adult daughter and putting my life on hold to be and on the ready in case the need my help. I am glad to learn there are others going through this too.
Rob, this is a biggie for parents of grown children. You still want to take care of them even though they are able to do it themselves (though maybe not exactly as you’d like).
I do know from experience that your daughter will appreciate your wisdom much more as she gets older!
Good stuff … I was just talking about this to my wife today and how I need to let go of worrying about my adult daughter and putting my life on hold to be and on the ready in case the need my help. I am glad to learn there are others going through this too.
Rob, this is a biggie for parents of grown children. You still want to take care of them even though they are able to do it themselves (though maybe not exactly as you’d like).
I do know from experience that your daughter will appreciate your wisdom much more as she gets older!
So well put Betsy, in so very few words as, “Less Ego = Less Guilt” - Now that’s an impressive truism!
Maria, I think I’m going to get a tshirt made to remind myself!
So well put Betsy, in so very few words as, “Less Ego = Less Guilt” - Now that’s an impressive truism!
Maria, I think I’m going to get a tshirt made to remind myself!
Really, get out of our heads!
Yesterday, we had a deliberate talk about a dimension of this topic. At times, we’ll still allow ourselves to get spiraled into things that we later regret. Most of the time – in these non-essential instances – we do it out of guilt or “because we can.” This helps no one.
Hi, Kent. Love the use of the word “spiraled” because that is exactly what it is. You start with one thing, and before you know you it, you’re out of control. (And for me, this means taking my eyes off my life completely - and usually at a time when I really need to be paying attention.)
And hey, this is some pretty weird stuff going on in your heads…really!
Really, get out of our heads!
Yesterday, we had a deliberate talk about a dimension of this topic. At times, we’ll still allow ourselves to get spiraled into things that we later regret. Most of the time – in these non-essential instances – we do it out of guilt or “because we can.” This helps no one.
Hi, Kent. Love the use of the word “spiraled” because that is exactly what it is. You start with one thing, and before you know you it, you’re out of control. (And for me, this means taking my eyes off my life completely - and usually at a time when I really need to be paying attention.)
And hey, this is some pretty weird stuff going on in your heads…really!
I would also love to be able to live an unconventional life and travel the world, but what about my kids? I am not very impressed by people who live their life the way they want when they don’t have to take responsibility for little children or anybody else who depends entirely on them.
Robert, we know many people who travel the world with children (and a couple who travel with kids AND pets, which is about as complicated as it gets). They prove it can be done, from infants born abroad to teens who are homeschooled or distanced schooled online. These are the most well-adjusted, cosmopolitan kids you’ll ever meet, lucky enough to learn to be comfortable with change and diversity decades before most of the rest of us do.
It doesn’t really matter if you’re impressed with our lifestyle or not. What matters is that you follow your own dreams to teach your kids that they can, too.
I would also love to be able to live an unconventional life and travel the world, but what about my kids? I am not very impressed by people who live their life the way they want when they don’t have to take responsibility for little children or anybody else who depends entirely on them.
Robert, we know many people who travel the world with children (and a couple who travel with kids AND pets, which is about as complicated as it gets). They prove it can be done, from infants born abroad to teens who are homeschooled or distanced schooled online. These are the most well-adjusted, cosmopolitan kids you’ll ever meet, lucky enough to learn to be comfortable with change and diversity decades before most of the rest of us do.
It doesn’t really matter if you’re impressed with our lifestyle or not. What matters is that you follow your own dreams to teach your kids that they can, too.
My guilt is all around our two cats, which I love. We’re in our late fifties and dying to go into early semi-retirement overseas. In fact, we already have our 2-year plan in the works, but the one thing that gives me a huge knot in my stomach is our “kids.” By the time we want to make a move, they’ll be elderly since they are currently 12 and 14, but they can be expected to live to nearly twenty, being indoor cats and well-taken care of. Nonetheless, they’ll be too old to subject to a long trip to Southeast Asia where we’d like to take a couple of years to travel and explore. I can’t imagine giving them to total strangers but I also can’t think of friends who would take them in. In reality, what stranger would want two older cats that need to stay together and are likely going to require medical treatment of one sort or another before they pass? Do you have any help or advice on how to deal with this hurdle? It’s the one I don’t seem to be able to overcome, and it’s taking the joy out of working on our dream, a dream we don’t want to defer another 6-8 years.