When I was 10, my dad was killed by a drunk driver. He was 32 years old. I remember that night more clearly than any of my childhood. That evening turned out to be the single most defining moment of my life, and it meant that I grew up without a father.
My last memory of my dad was camping in the woods at a Boy Scout weekend. It was the first time we had done something just as father and son and is a memory that I cherish more than any other. That weekend also marked the end of father and son time for me and the last 30 years have been without him in my life.
He was not there to talk with me about sex (which in retrospect is not necessarily bad since it would mean thinking about my dad actually having sex).
I did not have my dad there to teach me how to drive.
He did not show me how to fix things. Though my mom tells me his tool of choice was always a hammer, so perhaps it is good I did not carry on this tradition.
He never got to see me grow to be a man. I would have loved to have him see me take the knowledge he provided to create a life I’d like to think he would be proud of.
I missed ever hearing my dad tell me he was proud of me.
We never discussed politics, religion, or world views.
We never spent a Sunday watching a baseball game.
We never shared a beer, which would really piss him off since he loved beer more than the air he breathed.
I missed ever being able to tell him I am proud of who he was.
My life could be defined by all the things I did not have with him. I could spend my days thinking about how my life would be different if he had lived. But, that is not who I am.
I am the man I am today in part BECAUSE my father died when I was 10.
My dad died before he was able to pursue his passions, always expecting that he would be alive tomorrow to make them come true. I am living my dream because my father never had that opportunity.
With his death, my mom became the most important person in my life. She was my best friend for years, listening to my problems and discussing issues that I never would have shared otherwise. We explored a wide range of issues and she never held back, letting me ask the questions regardless of the subject.
My mom was my hero. Overnight she went from stay at home mom to single, working mother. She knew all the answers and could solve any problem. She inspired me (and continues to do so) by what she provided to me. I know in retrospect how hard this transition was on her, but at the time all I knew is she was our rock during a tragic time. I have more respect for her than any person I’ve ever met because of what she gave me.
I am in love with a strong, independent, intelligent woman who inspires me each day to want to be better. I cannot imagine my life without her, but know that I could never have appreciated all she could give me if my mom had not influenced how I view women.
I am passionate, happy, and full of dreams because of how my life was shaped. The death of my father changed so much for me, but it also set me on the path I live and love each day. I wear his wedding ring as a reminder of who he was, what impact his death had on my life, and as an inspiration to leave each day as if it was my last.
I am living my dream in part because my father died when I was 10.
I do shed a fair number of tears in reflection of my dad and a life without him. However, I do not regret or bemoan the situation. Instead, I focus on where my life has taken me as result. Instead of focusing on who I could have been, I am embracing who I actually am each day.
We all have events in our past that shape us into who we are today. Without these experiences, we would not be who we are at this moment. Instead of focusing how life “could” be different or wishing you could change the past (which we all know is not possible) focus on the positives you have today.
- A bankruptcy that may have led you to be more responsible with money
- A job layoff that could have led to you starting your own business
- A nasty divorce that possibly created turmoil in your life, but without it you would never have met your soul-mate
Think of 3 things in your life today that you love and that would not be true if this event/experience had not happened.
Embrace who you are today.
About Warren
Wow, this is such an amazing post. Incredibly inspirational (not that you guys were inspirational enough already). Thank you.
What an inspirational and powerful tribute to your Dad, Warren. It’s an important reminder that we are not only shaped but the good points in our lives, but also the low ones.
What a beautiful piece of writing! Thanks so much for sharing…touching and also written with an element of self-depreciation/humour as well.
We can all wallow in our pasts, or allow our pasts to shape us and turn us into the GOOD people we are, BECAUSE OF or DESPITE the past.
Thanks once again.
Hi Bex, thank you for the kinds words. We certainly can allow our pasts to shape us into amazing people. I know it is not always easy, but focusing on the present and who you are today is so important to happiness.
Trust me, your Dad has seen everything you’ve done and I know he’d be extremely proud, I wish more men were like you (well, from what I’ve read in your writings :-)) Well written and safe journeys
Jackie, thank you for the huge compliment. You make me want to write more, which is just the encouragement I need. Thank you.
What an outstanding viewpoint. This post goes a long way in explaining exactly how you (and Betsy) are such remarkable people. Caanan and I are always resisting the gravity that urges you to obsess over the past and worry abut the future. Life is THIS moment.
Wow, Kent. What a wonderful statement of support for us. We’re blushing.
There’s no reason to obsess over a past which you cannot change when there are so many things right in front of you that you can.
Amazing post! Thank you for sharing.
Such a personal piece - thank you for sharing. I thank everyday that I am living my dreams in part for all the things my parents have been through.. worked for. incredibly inspirational.
Hi Kieu,
It is great to hear from someone living their dream, in part because of their past.
Lovely post Warren, and important for us all to remember that even the bad moments of our past are what caused us to be the people we are today. I was never close to my father and after my mom died 6yrs ago our relationship dissolved and we now don’t speak. However, both the trauma of losing the one parent I was close too and not being in contact with the other has caused me to be independent and sure of what I want as I follow my dreams and passions. And, their unfortunate marriage made me choose my soul mate to spend my life with rather than someone who fit certain “acceptable” characteristics. I have a great life both in spite of, and because of who they were. Thanks for sharing.
Rhonda, what a wonderful perspective and understanding of what it means to embrace who you are. I know how hard it is to stare back at the uglier moments of life with any positive emotions, but when you do you realize how you became who you are today.
LOVE IT! And so timely, as I’m having a bittersweet day of my own (my mom’s birthday… she’s been gone for about five years). As always, you guys are an inspiration to us all, and I have no doubt your dad is exceptionally proud of ya. :: snif snif, dab dab ::
HI Sonia,
I am sorry to hear about your mom but hope there were far more wonderful memories to make the day a bit easier. You certainly know how to bring a tear to my eyes and I appreciate that about you.
Wow, just sent this to my son, the love of my life (he’s 16). His Father passed away three years ago. They were very close…and he and I are like pnut butter & jelly. I have inspired and helped him to travel since he was 14. He’s has been to Costa Rica, lived last summer in Panama, is heading to Poland and Israel in two weeks and is spending this summer in Thailand! I have not traveled…yet (but am spending a month in Europe in Sept!) in my life, and wanted him to learn about the world and all it offers. I received this inspiration from following travel bloggers such as you! So, thank you! See the gifts your sharing brings to others! A beautiful, moving post. Thank you.
Hi Lori,
I truly appreciate you sharing this with your son and hope it provides a bit of help. It sounds like he is very lucky to have you in his life and you have no idea just how great an impact you are having on him. He will appreciate you more than you may ever know for supporting him and helping him through this. In addition, I love to see the experiences you are providing him with. I believe that 2 of the greatest things a parent can bestow on their children is an open mind and an appreciation for the world. Well done on both accounts.
Congratulations on your big trip to Europe. For a life without travel you are certainly making the change in a big way. I love to see you go big and hope you will share more of your story with us so we can hear all about your adventure.
Very powerful article, Warren..thank you for sharing….and I do agree with ‘Jackie’..I’m sure your father is still watching over you
Thanks Warren, I’m totally on board with you and love your heart-filled post
My parents were addicts:
1. I made it to Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics) and met my husband - the best man I know!
2. We moved to Seattle (the best city I’ve ever lived in) to be closer to Nick’s kids
3. My stepdaughter had a beautiful, adorable little angel baby and I’M A GRANDMA!!!!!!!!
Margit, that must be a difficult background to have experienced but it is clear that you have found some amazing things in your life as a result. I am so happy you can see the great things that have happened and do not focus on “what if” from your childhood. Plus, we’d have never met if you’d never moved to Seattle.
I totally agree with what you said about being who you are because your father died when you were young. My dad died right as I was finishing college and it changed the trajectory of my life-I became determined to follow my passion in life, not to mention be who I really was instead of trying to fit myself into some box. I’m forever grateful for everything I learned from that time in my life.
Tanja
Hi Tanja,
It had to be difficult to handle the transition from childhood to adulthood while dealing with the loss of your father. I am, however, happy it instilled in you the passion for life. Congratulations for not fitting into a box and to embracing your Good Life everyday.
Oh Warren, this is such an incredible post. I hope that the people who believe that your father “sees” you and knows what you’re doing are right, but what I do know for sure is that he would be so proud of you.
When I was 29 I was raped and in fear of my life. I have often tried to explain to people how that event had changed my life and made me determined to create the life I have now. Within a year, I’d met the man who is now my husband, given up smoking for good, and gone from bankrupt to a well-paying job. But it’s always been a difficult concept to explain to people. Your post has given me the impetus to attempt to write about it in a meaningful way.
Thanks so much.
Angela, I am in awe of your willingness to discuss this and to see beyond this to embrace the life you have today. Overcoming such a horrible experience to see the good in your life is a testament to your spirit.
I am humbled by your words and am anxious to read your story, when you are ready to share. If my sharing can help just one person then I am happier as a result.
Thanks Warren. I was incredibly lucky to have a close friend guide me to immediate counseling and the social services in New York City, where I was living at the time, are amazing. Also the police are incredible there and I was able to get him arrested and he spent a week in jail, even if the case didn’t ultimately go to trial. All of this allowed me to get back my autonomy to a degree, and by reaching out to friends in the months afterward I truly believe I healed in a very healthy way, emotionally. I have always talked about it matter-of-factly, and even when I was selected for a jury pool and they asked if we had ever been a crime victim, I said that I’d been raped. They asked if I wanted a sidebar to share privately and I said no. I believe it’s important for women to realize there is no shame in being raped, because it is not your fault. And if more women talked about it, there wouldn’t be so much shame attached. Since I think the statistics are about 1 in 3 women who will be raped in their lifetime, it’s hardly a rare occurence.
Thanks again for sharing your story in such an eloquent way.
Warren, wow, I can ‘t believe so much time has passed since your dad died, but I do remember hearing that news. It’s nice to hear how much influence your mom had,and still has on you. She is a great lady. I always loved “Ms. Pat”!! Your dad would be so proud of you!
Hi Cady,
It is wonderful to hear from you. I had no idea when I wrote this that someone who was in my class in 5th grade would have either read this or recalled this time in life. For me it is seared into my brain, but it is extremely touching to know that others I knew so long ago would have recalled the day as well. Mom is a wonderful woman and I know that she will light up hearing your name.
Stellar post, Warren.
I have no regrets about the past . . . because it led to THIS door. And there is nowhere else (and no one else) I would rather be.
Well written Warren. How moving of you to share this with all of us. Well, you know a bit about my life and how I got to be where I am right now and I’ll say that I am so happy everything has happened in my life the way it has since it has put me on the path I was meant to be on.
Big hugs to you.
This post must have been very difficult for you to write so thank you for sharing your heart. You have just shown all of your readers what an amazing man, husband and son that you are! Too many of us spend too much time reflecting on what could have been instead of moving forward and living the best life that we can with what we have been dealt. I am thankful that you chose to move forward but truly sad at the same time that you lost your dad at such a tender age and in such a tragic way. He would be so proud of the man that you are today. I am thankful too that your mom was such a positive role model to you. I know how much you love and appreciate my daughter and I guess I need to thank Pat for some of that! I love you Warren and am very proud of you and the life you and my daughter have together.
Connie, thank you for the kind words and wonderful support. It touches me deeply to think that my dad would be proud of me, but knowing that my mom is proud of me makes me overwhelmed with happiness. She deserves so much credit for who I am today and it makes me happy to know you approve. Betsy is the best thing to happen in my life and I have you to thank for it every day.
Wow I had no idea, but sadly I can relate. My father died in a motorcycle accident when I was five. A motorcycle he was repairing so he could sell it as he knew it was too dangerous to own one now that he had a daughter. I have always had a sense of my own mortality, especially now that I am older than he was when he died.
Ayngelina, thank you for sharing what must be a painful memory. Each birthday is odd when I know that I’ve had more years on this planet than my father. However, it also makes me want to cherish each day as a result. Clearly we both understand this odd perspective and I’m glad to know that you understand.
Embrace, accept and surrender to what happens in this life.
We do not have complete control, but we do have control in the way we respond to situations life dishes out. My girl friend died during our travels in India which has inspired my blog and inspired who I am today. Its been 9 months and I c an feel im changing, growing and am going to smash this life and ensure that the day it is my turn, i will be proud of who I am and have no regrets. Big respect to you my man.
Much love and peace
Anthonee
Wow, what a powerful post. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Hi Emily,
Thank you for your kind words and support. My hope is that by sharing my story someone else will be able to stop and realize the positives in their life rather than focus on wishing the past was different. I’m delighted that you appreciated the words.
Good for you. Too many people hold themselves back and then blame others or things that happened to them as a child for the reason why they’re not happy, successful, in a healthy relationship etc. Sure, like you said, things that happen to us do change us as we grow into adulthood but, even bad things like the death of a parent, don’t have to mean bad things will come from that. Very nice post.
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for the comment and nice words. We do not need to be defined by events from the past, though we will be effected by them. Great to know another person who is embracing who they are today.