Want to know the super-secret step successful people take to get what they want? Think of it as the magic wand in landing your proposals at the top of the stack, getting your foot in the door, and making people want to say yes.
It’s how we’ve taken a free trip across the Atlantic as the only passengers on cruise ship, beat out serious competition for great house sits around the world, and landed great media coverage in websites and magazines for our publishing business.
This super secret weapon is called….preparation. And instead of intimidating you, you should be pretty excited because it typically only takes an extra 10 minutes of thought to make your request 100% more likely to get to yes.
Before you ask someone else, ask yourself:
- What exactly do I want?
- How does this fit with what the other person needs?
- How can I make it really easy for him/her to say yes?
What exactly do you want?
You’re vague. You’re hoping someone else will suggest what you want if you just beat around the bush long enough. After all, isn’t it better if it comes across as their idea?
Wrong.
Your chances of success fall by the second when you waste time like this. No one wants to be responsible for both asking and granting your request. If you want it bad enough, be confident enough to ask for what you want clearly and concisely. No one should have to work that hard to figure out what you want.
(And if they do make the effort to eventually get to the bottom of this, you aren’t getting a ‘yes’ anyway. That kind of request process is sadly indicative of your potential for follow through, and no one wants to waste their efforts or connections on a project they think will never happen.)
You want them instead to focus their mental energy on ways they can help you or why they should say yes, and they can’t do that if they don’t know what you want.
Examples:
- “I’m ready to start dating again.”
- “I want to be promoted to VP.”
- “I would like a fair system for household chores.”
Case Study:
When we were leaving Antarctica, Warren asked the cruise company directly for a ride on their repositioning trip up north for the Arctic season. He didn’t say “it would be really cool to spend more time on this ship.” The first request got us a free 5-week trip as the trial passengers for a new repositioning cruise package; the vague one would have gotten us only a smile.
How does this fit with the other person’s needs?
Sometimes what you want is to fulfill the other person’s needs – to date, to get the job, to be picked for the team. But even though you think you’re helping them out because you are the best candidate, you are just a wee bit subjective.
Other times, you haven’t even thought about what the other person needs; only how they can help you. (Can you give me a ride/help me move/introduce me to your hot friend?)
Let’s take a step back and think about our basic instincts as humans. We’ve evolved to cooperate for the common good in families, cities, and societies. You can’t go it alone, and neither can anyone else. We have to work together to survive.
When you think of your requests in this cooperative fashion, it makes it easier to see how helping you helps them. And when you know this, you are halfway to yes.
Example:
- “You are the queen of matchmaking. I’m a little nervous about dating again, but I trust you to introduce me to some really great people.”
- “You know from experience you can count on me to manage important projects. Imagine how much easier your life will be when I take on more responsibility as VP and start training other managers like me to strengthen our division.”
- “By coming up with a better system for household chores we’ll have more time together as a family and a lot less fighting.”
Case Study:
When we house sit, we don’t talk too much about what we want. What we do instead is focus on how our skills and experience would benefit the homeowner. Yes, we have been homeowners, landlords, and HOA board members before. Yes, we love animals and know you are worried about leaving them. Yes, we know how to handle small emergencies. Yes, we are considerate, quiet, and friendly with neighbors. It’s not about us wanting to live on a houseboat in Amsterdam that’s important; it’s that we know how to manage a cranky cat that the homeowner loves.
How can I make it ridiculously easy for him/her to say yes?
Once you know how your request fits with the other person’s needs, it becomes your job to clarify it and make it super ridiculously simple for the other person to say yes.
Do the ground work so they don’t have to. Write out the testimonial, list the steps, get the phone numbers…whatever you have to do, do it. The only thing you should be requesting of them is something you cannot do yourself.
Make saying yes easier than the energy it will take for them to say no.
Example:
- “I’m throwing a casual BBQ next Saturday and would really appreciate it if you’d come and invite Joe along. I don’t know him well…but I’d like to!”
- “I’ve been thinking of how to backfill my position and hand off my projects, and I wrote up a plan to make it seamless. I’ve groomed some really good people, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by their readiness for the job. I’m always thinking ahead like that.”
- “If we spend $75/week on a housekeeping service we’ll have fewer nights of takeout because we’re tired and a lot less fighting. I’ve crunched the numbers, and it looks like this solution is better for us financially and emotionally. Why have we been putting ourselves through this torture when the solution is so easy?”
Case Study:
One thing authors have to do is promote their work in order to sell it. Magazines, newspapers, and websites are great outlets for us, and we make it ridiculously easy for journalists to work with us. We pitch good story ideas that fit their audiences and include a link to our press kit, which has photos, bios, interview questions and other info they need all in one spot. It’s one reason we get a lot of press - we simply make it easy for people to work with us from the very first email.
Follow Through
Once you’ve secured the ‘yes’ it’s time for the follow through. Make the most of the information or opportunity you were given and respond with a heartfelt thanks and a recap of how this person’s advice/help benefited you.
People deserve thanks for their help, and they appreciate knowing how they impacted your life. Circling back like this cements your connection and gives you the opportunity to repay the favor in the future, further strengthening your bond. This is how strong networks are created over time.
You can use the above steps for simple requests like friending on Facebook and LinkedIn (please don’t use the generic “join my network” emails - if you can’t be bothered to write a personal note, why would someone open up their contacts to you?).
It also works for personal requests, volunteer activities, introductions, business, and even calling a customer service line with a complaint or problem.
How are you making it easy for people to say yes to your requests?
Did you hear our latest podcast on overcoming obstacles? Changing your mindset from “I can’t” to “how can I” will make it easier to ask for help when you need it. Click here to listen or subscribe via iTunes.
About Betsy
Hi Betsy,
I came across your site through a facebook thing and am so glad I did! I long to travel more and it’s exciting to read about your adventures and tips. I’m also starting up my facepainting business here in NYC (http://jubileefacepainting.com/) and loved this article - I’ve always wanted more “business sense” and this was a straightforward, easy to understand, and helpful piece to me.
All the best,
Juliaj
Hi, Juliaj. So nice to meet you! Sometimes I think we creatives overthink the whole business process (not being linear and all), and it’s nice to have it broken down into easy steps.
Best of luck to you in the facepainting biz (which is probably perfectly located in NYC). Hope to see you more in the comments and on Facebook.
Hi Betsy,
I came across your site through a facebook thing and am so glad I did! I long to travel more and it’s exciting to read about your adventures and tips. I’m also starting up my facepainting business here in NYC (http://jubileefacepainting.com/) and loved this article - I’ve always wanted more “business sense” and this was a straightforward, easy to understand, and helpful piece to me.
All the best,
Juliaj
Hi, Juliaj. So nice to meet you! Sometimes I think we creatives overthink the whole business process (not being linear and all), and it’s nice to have it broken down into easy steps.
Best of luck to you in the facepainting biz (which is probably perfectly located in NYC). Hope to see you more in the comments and on Facebook.
Great article. I wish they would teach this stuff in high school. Kids want so much and have so little practical information on how to achieve what they want. I started working on being clear about 20 years ago and it’s made such a huge difference in how my life operates. So glad you both are out there in the wide world, writing about it, and having the life you used to dream about. I am doing that very same thing and hope our paths will cross someday.
Hola, Sherry! I used to work in the medical records technology biz, and it always amazed me that doctors could go through medical school without ever being trained on how to dictate/maintain medical records. I realize they have a staff to do it, but since they rely on the info and pay exorbitant malpractice insurance, surely it would be a useful skill to have? Anyway, I think it’s that way with a lot of things; we focus so much on the “big” goal that we forget the little things that would make it easier to get to the big goal.
It sounds like your 20-year journey has been very productive in giving you the life you want. And you just never know when our paths might cross (it would be hilarious if I could actually knock at your front door right now.)
Great article. I wish they would teach this stuff in high school. Kids want so much and have so little practical information on how to achieve what they want. I started working on being clear about 20 years ago and it’s made such a huge difference in how my life operates. So glad you both are out there in the wide world, writing about it, and having the life you used to dream about. I am doing that very same thing and hope our paths will cross someday.
Hola, Sherry! I used to work in the medical records technology biz, and it always amazed me that doctors could go through medical school without ever being trained on how to dictate/maintain medical records. I realize they have a staff to do it, but since they rely on the info and pay exorbitant malpractice insurance, surely it would be a useful skill to have? Anyway, I think it’s that way with a lot of things; we focus so much on the “big” goal that we forget the little things that would make it easier to get to the big goal.
It sounds like your 20-year journey has been very productive in giving you the life you want. And you just never know when our paths might cross (it would be hilarious if I could actually knock at your front door right now.)
This was the perfect article for tonight or any other for that matter. But tonight I am thinking big and Tammy and I are going to need to get a lot of items just the way we ant them to work for us.
I am very direct but with a good measure of humor and I am gentle. It almost always gets me what I want. But your tips will help as the stakes get raised.
Thanks for a terrific post!
Oooh, raising the stakes. That gives me goosebumps, CJ! Best of luck as you use your powers for good.
This was the perfect article for tonight or any other for that matter. But tonight I am thinking big and Tammy and I are going to need to get a lot of items just the way we ant them to work for us.
I am very direct but with a good measure of humor and I am gentle. It almost always gets me what I want. But your tips will help as the stakes get raised.
Thanks for a terrific post!
Oooh, raising the stakes. That gives me goosebumps, CJ! Best of luck as you use your powers for good.
I would add that in addition to preparation, the fact that you asked intelligently played a key factor. Several years ago my daughter was in what seemed to be more than a phase about becoming an astronaut. Being from the north east there aren’t a lot of astronaut related activities. Through preparation and asking the right people we got a partial scholarship to space camp, and later arranged for a VIP viewing of a space shuttle launch (requiring a homeland security check ). About a year later I learned that Neil Armstrong was the keynote speaker at a conference in Boston. Tickets were around $2200 a piece. I love my daughter, but this was a bit much to meet someone. All it took was a letter to the right person, explaining my daughter’s interest and I got an email back with the words “four tickets will be waiting for you at check in”. I believe that the photos he took with my daughter are some of the last ever taken of him, because he generally would not sign anything, let people shake his hand or photograph him. If you know what you want, and can communicate it to the right people, anything is possible.
Robert, what a great example of this methodology! Your daughter is very fortunate to have such a good mentor in her life, and I have no doubt she will reach the stars (as an astronaut or metaphorically) with that kind of support for her dreams. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I would add that in addition to preparation, the fact that you asked intelligently played a key factor. Several years ago my daughter was in what seemed to be more than a phase about becoming an astronaut. Being from the north east there aren’t a lot of astronaut related activities. Through preparation and asking the right people we got a partial scholarship to space camp, and later arranged for a VIP viewing of a space shuttle launch (requiring a homeland security check ). About a year later I learned that Neil Armstrong was the keynote speaker at a conference in Boston. Tickets were around $2200 a piece. I love my daughter, but this was a bit much to meet someone. All it took was a letter to the right person, explaining my daughter’s interest and I got an email back with the words “four tickets will be waiting for you at check in”. I believe that the photos he took with my daughter are some of the last ever taken of him, because he generally would not sign anything, let people shake his hand or photograph him. If you know what you want, and can communicate it to the right people, anything is possible.
Robert, what a great example of this methodology! Your daughter is very fortunate to have such a good mentor in her life, and I have no doubt she will reach the stars (as an astronaut or metaphorically) with that kind of support for her dreams. Thanks so much for sharing your story.