We live together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. We also have a small business together. Our lifestyle is one of frequent change in location, people, food, and customs.
You know what this adds up to, right? Fights. Yes, we fight. We told you about our epic 12-mile marriage counseling hike in Scotland, and we have had at least one in every country we have visited on 4 continents of travel. You cannot be with another person all the time without fighting, and if you add in a business and a nomadic existence requiring dozens of negotiations and decisions a week, things are bound to get interesting.
One thing we’ve learned during our 16 months of travel and togetherness is there is no real buildup of a fight anymore. In our old lives, we had plenty of space and outside commitments to take off the pressure of a simmering resentment, and it could build for days or weeks at a time. In our current lifestyle, we’re lucky if we can hold it below a boil for 24 hours (though thankfully we don’t have to experience this very often anymore).
So even though we disagree, the arguments don’t last as long and we are actually getting pretty good at resolving things like adults. It takes a lot of practice to get to this point, and since we’ve had the benefit of it, here are the 5 best strategies for successfully arguing with your mate (successful meaning you come to a conclusion and deepen your relationship and understanding of each other, not that you just get tired of fighting and call a truce or have sex or one of you leaves.)
How to fight fair
This article was originally inspired by the name calling, lying, fact twisting, passive aggressive moves, and just plain meanness we’ve seen in the political news coverage from the US. The election is already nasty and we still have 9 months to go. If the average couple behaved this way when trying to work out a budget, take care of a home, raise children, or even plan a vacation, our divorce rate would be 90% (the other 10% being the portion of our population not deemed suitable for the rights and privileges of marriage in the first place by the same elected officials who keep getting caught in adultery scandals - go figure).
Stay on topic
Fight about one thing at a time. Don’t drag out what happened yesterday, last month, or last year. This is the death blow to a fight because it takes it in a winding circle forever.
This is what politicians do. (Have you ever watched a televised debate?)
And this is what people do who don’t actually have a strong argument in the first place.
If it is worth fighting about, then fight about it. If you have enough energy to bring up 10 other things, then the fight isn’t about what you thought it was in the first place. Go back to your corner and rethink it before you come out swinging.
Avoid extremes of language
You ALWAYS do this. I NEVER get that.
Ha! I’ll bet you thought I was going to talk about profanity here, huh? No way. Verbal bombs work for some people, so I’m not going to diss them. But I am going to call out the “always/never/you make me” trio that will stop any progress in a fight immediately.
Always and never are not real. Always and never are lies. And when you bring up always and never it means you cannot think of a single good instance to discuss and would rather fling an inflammatory bomb to make your point. If you cannot name one instance, you do not have a point. If you can name one instance, fight about that one instance.
Politicians do this frequently, making blanket statements about the other party, groups of people, countries, and regions of the world. They say it as fact to help prove their point, but you know nothing is ALWAYS or NEVER and when someone trots out that line, they haven’t done their homework. They are counting on you to be lazy enough not to ask for details.
Fight in specifics, not generalities.
It works the same in a relationship, and when you cannot name specifics you cannot get to the root of the problem. “You NEVER take out the trash” is actually “You haven’t taken out the trash for the last week.” The first one has no response but anger at the lie because the other person has obviously taken out the trash before - it is why you are mad that he/she isn’t doing it now. The second one opens you up to a conversation of what has been keeping someone from their regular chores, which is probably the true issue of the fight.
You are crazy if you think he/she makes you crazy
The “you make/made me” tactic is another gem. No one can make you do anything. A more accurate response might be “I feel like X when you do Y,” fully taking responsibility for your actions but showing your partner what is a trigger issue for you.
Your partner is then free to point out that your reaction is totally off base (“Really, me spending time with my friends once a month makes you feel lonely? Sounds like the issue is yours, not mine.”) or see that you have a point and adjust their behavior going forward (“I never meant to worry you by not calling when I am going to be more than an hour late from work. Even if I’m really busy, I’ll take the time to text you from now on.”) Think about your complaint from your partner’s standpoint and see if you can shoot some holes in it yourself before you react and open your mouth.
Avoiding an argument altogether because you realize you are the jerk first is a huge timesaver and an effective personal growth tip.
(Is your mate the one blaming you for their negative actions toward you and treating you overall like crap? This goes way beyond regular couple fighting. Get some help.)
I love it when politicians say they aren’t going to negative with their ads “unless the other candidate does,” as if someone else’s behavior could make you change your own. If you aren’t a dick, how could someone else’s actions turn you into one? There had to be some dickishness in the genes already.
Assigning the worst motives in your mate
Why is it that this person we love to pieces one day can be the devil himself another? Instead of looking at this as a problem that needs to be solved, all of a sudden it becomes the evil plan of a demonic mastermind set on ruining your life. (Perhaps this is my Drama Queen getting a little wild.)
Give your mate the benefit of the doubt. You may not agree on the particular topic at hand, but unless you are living with a total jerk, they probably aren’t lying awake at night plotting ways to make your life miserable.
When he or she says something that is not quite right but you know what they meant, don’t jump on the fact that they used the wrong words just because you can. (Just because you are a better debater does not make you a better human being.) Don’t assign motives to their actions that are completely off base just because you are mad.
Remember that this person loves you and even if he or she did screw up, it isn’t because they are the spawn of Satan or a newly-diagnosed sociopath.
You can be mad, just don’t get crazy with it.
This brings to mind the rants about the “death panels” that were going to come to pass with President Obama’s healthcare plan. Disagree with the man’s healthcare plan if you don’t believe in a single payor system, but please don’t make up crazy stuff to strengthen your argument, because it certainly doesn’t.
Agree to the resolution
As the the fight is winding down, you can’t skip the final step just because you are starting to feel nice to each other again. It takes calmly stating the resolution - what you are going to do and what your mate it is going to do to resolve this - so you don’t have to revisit this same topic again.
We like to say “going forward…” as the end of our arguments, spelling out what each of is going to do about our behavior and how we can alert the other person when we sense one of us is veering off track so we don’t have the same fight over and over. Unlike politicians, we don’t get paid for that.
Our politicians go into a stalemate, break for recess, or kill bills. If something gets through, the other side vows to even the score (as if managing our country needed a score sheet).
When the goal is resolution and not keeping score, you’ll both come out ahead.
Fighting fair
Fighting for the sake of fighting is something politicians do. They smear mud hoping they can land more on their opponent than they do themselves.
In a relationship, a fight is a necessary part of building a life together. Even though they aren’t always pleasant, having a goal to resolve the issue and not just to win, say “I told you so,” or give an ultimatum is key to Living the Good Life.
Oh yeah, and makeup sex. Definitely makeup sex.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could have some sweet bipartisan lovin’ from our politicians about now?
About Betsy
Absolutely agree with every single step! You can miss out any of the steps because if you do, all the other steps becomes invalid. It’s so hard to put them in to practice and keep doing it. You need so much love and respect for each other. Keep fighting kindly
AK, it is true that you really need all of them. And I can tell when I start slipping now because the fight just feels different - it is no longer on a path to resolution, but it has taken a downward spiral and my brain stops thinking of resolutions and only focuses on being right or breaking him down. (Man, I can’t believe I’m admitting this here!)
Do this a few times and see how much easier it is to get through a fight and how it improves your relationship long-term and it will be hard to let yourself slip into those old patterns again (though you can still think of those zingy comebacks if you like and just keep them to yourself!)
Betsy, it’s absolutely natural to start focusing on being right and breaking him down because that’s what we have been brought up to do. If someone hurts you, you hurt them back. It takes an enormous amount of hard work, and love for the other person to stop hurting them and try to be nurturing.
It’s very inspiring!
Hardest of all is trusting in the other person that they’re not going to take advantage of you trying to be resolution focused. You guys have so much love for each other though and anyone that spends any amount of time with both of you together can see that you provide such a nurturing enviroment for each other to grow
What a great article! I agree with everything you’ve said. Always have to keep growing and learning in the relationship if you want it to last. I myself the other day took a deep breath and rethought the words that were going to come out of my mouth, and I think I surprised myself and Mike with my answer, which was met with respect and a bit of silence as I don’t think he thought I’d say something like that. I learn something new every day. I want to be a better person!
Mica, what I love about you guys is that you don’t keep anything back. That level of openness is probably tough sometimes, but as a pretty closed type of person I can only marvel at being so free with your thoughts.
I have heard that when people write movies they write the end first, and then work backwards. I think the same can be said about “fighting fair”. Ask yourself how you want this to end and then figure out what you should (and shouldn’t) do to get to that point.
Excellent advice, Linda. Begin with the end in mind is one of the 7 Habits from Steven Covey and it works in a variety of situations in life. When I first learned this in a class we had to write our obituaries in the way we wanted to be remembered and then were assigned to create a life that supported that destination. It was a pretty powerful exercise, and I’m sure it would work just as well in a disagreement.
Betsy, once again you’ve managed to boil issues down to their essence and offer concise solutions/methods to deal with them. I’m definitely the “Assuming the worst motives” and “jumping on the wrong words” kind of person. Thank you so much for this, I immediately sent the link to Debra acknowledging the areas I need to improve upon. She has the view that couples who fight have a relationship doomed to fail. I’ve always felt a good verbal spewing (when respectful) can bring things out in the open and create a stronger bond. This is terrific timing as we head off to Italy (and their cold snap) on Thursday and will likely find some challenges along the way that we can use to make our relationship stronger through fighting fair. Thanks again, Grant
Grant, I’m glad you found this helpful. I’m also an “assuming the worst motives” and “jumping on the wrong words” kind of person. I really think it comes down to not knowing how to effectively fight through an issue. If all you see in the way of fighting is on television and movies, of course you’re going to assume your mate is the bad guy and has the worst motives. In the movies, she does!
Having a good baseline with which to argue is a great first step in learning how to fight fair with each other. When you know the ground rules, it keeps it civil because there is no room for door slamming and walking away.
Good luck on your trip to Italy. Think of all that great food and red wine to keep you warm when you get there!
It’s my feeling that, since most politicians come from a legal background, they are far more interested in the debate than the issue. That’s why very little gets accomplished, and the ads are nothing more than name-calling. I’d be interested in knowing whether your attitude toward, or perception of, US politics and politicians has changed now that you are viewing it from a different perspective.
Love keeping up with your travels and personal growth
Barb, our views have definitely changed since we began traveling. Like working together in a relationship, when you take out your ego and just seek to understand, you can learn a lot, and that’s how I feel about our time on the road.
Something Americans might be surprised to hear is how provincial people in other countries think we are. They can’t imagine why we aren’t rioting in the streets over lack of universal healthcare and the intrusion of organized religion into our legal system. (Also, why aren’t we using the metric system like the rest of the world?!) They are also surprised at the general lack of knowledge of other countries, world news, and languages other than English in the Americans they meet. In fact, almost everyone we meet thinks we are Canadian until we tell them otherwise, and I think this has to do more with the low percentage of US citizens traveling abroad compared to other countries than us saying “eh?” every now and then. They don’t know Americans other than what they see on TV and the internet, which skews their thinking. When you flip that around, you see that we fall into the same trap of thinking we know people in other countries through what we see on the internet and TV. We don’t.
I could write forever on this topic, and I know Warren can, too. It has been one of the most fascinating parts of our journey to see how other people view us and to realize that what we’ve been taught about them is not always correct. I can only hope they come to the same realization about us.
As a Communications major, an old married lady, and a Peeler of Moms, this hits all the right buttons with me. I’m always fascinated by interpersonal communication, and love it when people *grow up* and own their shit. Congratulations.
Leslie, the tough part in this is owning your shit and giving a shit. You have to care enough to want to fix the problem and admit your part in creating it. Both things are hard for many people.
(“old married lady?” Yeah, right.)
Girl, I’ve been married for 23 years. I MUST be old. It’s math.
This is a great guide for resolving conflict in any relationship (marriage, work, political). Thanks for the guide and all of your sharing!
Hey, Chris. Thanks for your comment. I have always been a proponent of basic rules of civility in everything - communication, how we treat other people (in person and online), and how we work through problems at every level. It may sound simple, but it is actually much easier to stop progress, say no, throw a wrench in things, or try to save your own ego instead of the relationship/group/country. That’s why so many people do it.
Fighting fair during our travels has been quite a challenge for my husband and me..mainly because we have teens in tow (they hear/understand everything) and no privacy (forget the ‘makeup’ part)…any advice greatly appreciated!
You know, I think kids watching their parents resolve things in an adult manner is a great lesson. How else will they learn how to fight fair if they don’t see it at home? My parents never disagreed in front of us, thinking it was inappropriate, and I didn’t really know how to handle it the first time I got really mad in a relationship. So I stung him with the fire of my dragon speech and left him cowering in the corner weeping for his mother. A cool move, sure, but not one conducive to a long-term relationship. I have somewhat evolved since then.
Just tweeted with hashtags: uscongress, politicians and uspresidentialrace. Please may they listen to this wise advice (they won’t but a girl can dream, can’t she?!) I learned over many years my tendency to “always” and “never” and now work very hard at avoiding that language. Awesome post….
Hey, Maria. I should have linked to the Sound of Fear post about the Black/White thinking on that one - the always/never thing promotes distorted thinking and keeps us from seeing that VAST area that exists between always and never. In fact, I think I’ll do that now - thanks for the reminder!
Fantastic tips here. I’d add I’ve also learned to keep my mouth shut sometimes when I just need to lash out but know it won’t do any good (it might feel good initially but I’ll regret it).
The main reason I’m still planning on doing my travel in several smaller trips rather than taking a year off is while I love travel, I’m a homebody at heart and I think being on the move so often would be rough. But I can’t lie - I also gotta consider that personality wise, I just don’t think the two of us on our own in strange countries 24/7 would be all that awesome. I need my alone time, he needs his friends and family,
eemusings, we had the same fears going in and it has turned out remarkably well (believe me, no one is more surprised than we are!). That said, I think planning your trip the way you think it will work for you instead of how everyone else seems to be doing it is always the right move. That’s why we travel so much more slowly than most people - we know the change every couple of days would spell disaster for us. Rule #6 should probably be: Know thy limits.
Great post! Now how could we get a marriage counselor on a national level?
Katie, I think Elizabeth Warren might be the voice of reason on a national level. We’ll just have to hope the rest of them listen to her!
What a great list on how to fight fair….now if only I can remember your hints and tips next time we have a fight brewing in our Motorhome! We have five boys (one of them is in the navy) and live/travel together. So there is bound to be something at least once a day - either hubby fighting with me or the kids fighting with each other - or hubby fighting with the boys/me fighting with our boys!! Sometimes laughter helps, and sometimes tears help!!
You are brave to live together and work in a business together.
Great article on how to fight fair
Cheers
Lisa
Lisa, you’re calling us brave when you live and travel in a motorhome with your husband and 5 boys?! Maybe you can print it out and tape it to the inside of a cabinet.
Are you practicing psychotherapy now in your free time??
seriously, great tips and advice on how to avoid the big forest fires that kill relationships!
Karen, I’ve been “practicing” psychotherapy on myself for YEARS. This is some hard-won knowledge that I couldn’t help but share. It took a lot of fights to get to this point!
Thanks for the several tips that you share with us, It can surely left to me a valuable ideas.. I do believe that fair way of dealing some body else is more suitable than ever. Thanks at all.
This is so refreshing. For over a year i was with my 3 kids and my husband 24/7 while we travelled like vgabonds up and down the east coast. People never knew how hard it was especially crammed in a truck with a tiny backseat with kids. The bond i formed with my husband was priceless. Now i feel like we can get through anything. My kids on the other hand are glad to be back in school away from us. Sometimes you just have to make choices and we decided it was better to not be with the kids 24/7 while living in Europe. I’m still with my husband 24/7 but we have our own space and know the ebb and flow of when to connect and not to. Thanks for sharing. i’m really excited to read more about your stories. I feel less alone. If that makes any sense.
Annie, it is a true bonding experience, but certainly not for the faint of heart! It makes sense that your kids would want to be away from all the togetherness after a while - part of growing up is learning to be independent - but I cannot imagine a better way to grow up than by seeing the world. You have given your children a wonderful gift.
If you travel and stay in hostels you will always meet other travelers, but staying in one place for weeks or months at a time outside the flow of regular travelers can be a bit lonely. You begin to think no one else is doing what you’re doing! You may want to connect with one of our other readers, Paz, who moved her family to China last year. Her blog is http://www.internationalcravings.com. I think you guys have a lot in common.
We’re glad to have connected with you and want to get to know you better. The world is a small place, and you never know when we might meet in person.