When you call a powerful business man a bastard at a table full of his friends and he explodes with laughter, you know it’s going to be an unusual night.
It was supposed to be a quiet dinner out with our friend Tara and home by 8. But dinner and great conversation meant we wanted to linger, so we walked to a nearby rooftop bar for a drink. It was closed, and we debated heading home before we spotted a lively place on the corner that was usually closed when we walked by.
“¡Adelante!” said the door man, adjusting his funky straw hat and motioning for us to come in.
We found a table and saw the band sound checking before the show, and we told ourselves we’d have just one drink before the music got too loud to talk and then we’d go home.
Then the group of coworkers at the next table began taking photos together, obviously celebrating an event. I offered to take a group photo of them, and instead they roped us into the photos. This started some lively back-and-forth banter as they tried to figure out why Warren had two dates and they had none.
The leader of the group, whom we’ll call El Jefe, is head of a large regional business in Mexico. They were all in Guanajuato for a conference and went out to celebrate their coworker’s birthday. They jokingly tried convincing me El Jefe was the father of the 12 men at the table, but even though I’m not fluent in Spanish I’m not an idiot.
After telling El Jefe generously that I thought he could be no more then 30 and therefore not the father of these men, he smiled. I then asked how old he thought I was, expecting a return compliment. He then said “40″ and I shot back with a falsely offended, “pinche cabron!” This is when the entire table burst into laughter and he smiled and bought me a tequila.
The singer and guitar player came near our table to get some food in between sets, and El Jefe asked for a photo with them. Then Warren started chatting them up, telling them how much we liked the show. They are a husband and wife duo, and the singer’s mom and brother were also at the show. They took us over to meet them.
Before the night was over we had a date to the singer’s brother’s birthday party in a nearby city for Sunday, they helped Warren negotiate a better price on a bag he wanted from a vendor in the square, and Warren agreed to build the band’s new website.
All in all, a pretty good ending to our “quiet dinner.”
How You Greet the World
Tara first mentioned the reaction we get from strangers as we were walking down the street on her first day here. “Everyone is so open to you!” she said. Then she mentioned how often we approach other people to say hello, make a friendly comment, or just say thank you for a service. Tara calls it “how you greet the world,” and it’s not something we really paid attention to before.
Over the 3 weeks she was here, Tara said she finally realized that people welcome us because we expect them to. When we approach them in an open and friendly manner, almost everyone responds in kind.
(We had this kind of reaction before we left the US, so you certainly don’t have to go to Mexico to experience it.)
How is the World Greeting You?
Are you getting the kind of reactions you want when meeting new people? You might be thinking back to your school days, bemoaning the difficulty of making friends as an adult. But it’s not really that you had more friends; you just had more interactions. And there’s an easy way to fix that: by increasing the number of interactions.
But first, a little problem solving on your outgoing message to the world. If you’d like to meet more new people and it’s just not happening, there are some things you can do to pinpoint the roadblock:
- How do you present yourself to new people?
- Confidently approach them and look for a common point of interest
- Wait for them to notice/approach you
- What do you do when you see someone in need (to have a door opened, to get directions, to take a group photo)?
- Avert your eyes and keep walking
- Offer to help
- When you are standing next to someone in line or on a bus/train, what do you do?:
- Smile
- Mind your own business
- When speaking to someone for the first time, how do you start?
- With a compliment, question, or point of common interest (“How do you know the host?”)
- By talking about yourself
- How do you speak to the store clerks, taxi drivers, wait staff, flight attendants, and other people who help you throughout the day?
- With a smile and friendly word of thanks, more if the situation allows
- As little as possible
- What does your body language say to other people?
- Confident, head up, smile on your face
- Head down, arms crossed, earbuds on
If you answered any of the second options, there is a reason why people are not as responsive to you as you’d like (strangers and acquaintances alike). People want to know that their social advances will be accepted (it’s a caveman thing), and if you do not make the first move or at least show that you’re open to meeting new people, they likely won’t make the first move. That means it’s up to you.
How to Meet New People (gently)
You might be saying, “But I don’t want to make the first move!”
It’s okay. There’s a great way to ease into this and make you more comfortable approaching other people. If you grew up in a really small town you already know this: Say hello to everyone you meet on the street.
At first it will feel really weird, like you’re a social moron who can’t stay quiet. But what you’ll find is a slight shock on most people’s faces followed by a return hello. As you become more confident in your hellos, your face will open up and people will see your hello coming before you open your mouth. It’s a conditioning for your face that will show other people you’re receptive to meeting them before you even open your mouth.
Sure, some people will snub you, and some will even ask you why you’re so damn happy. Brush it off. You’ll find the vast majority of people responsive to your hello, and from there it’s just a gradual process of extending those hellos into initial conversations and later friendship.
- One of our friends just visited us in Mexico and we met her in the wine aisle of a grocery store in South America.
- We met a woman on a train in Barcelona who 2 days later drove us to France just to picnic and spend the day together.
- And that birthday party we were invited to in Leon, Mexico? We stayed for 24 hours, enjoying an overnight with the family, a giant breakfast together, and a short tour of the city before returning home. We’ve been adopted into the family and expect to see them several more times before we leave Mexico.
Making the first move, opening yourself up to random friendships, and expecting to have great interactions throughout the day will greatly enhance the odds of making new friendships in unexpected places.
Because how you greet the world is how the world greets you back.
Bienvenidos, mi amigo.
Did we tell you that Strip Off Your Fear: Radiate the Confidence Within has a new cover? It’s gorgeous, and it better matches the strong, vibrant message inside. You can get your copy in print or ebook here and start approaching strangers and friends alike with confidence.
About Betsy
Hi Betsy - This is great, great advice. As a pretty shy person, I used to be super self-conscious about reaching out first but have personally given this a try and can attest it makes a world of difference.
And I love hearing about all the interactions and experiences you are having in Mexico! Looking forward to hear more.
So happy to hear that your experiment worked, Kathleen! It’s a tiny little step that opens the doors that were previously closed. It’s funny, as a small-town girl I never knew people didn’t greet each other openly all the time; it’s just the way I grew up. I went to NYC alone in 2001 and kept hearing how much I’d hate being by myself in such a cold city, but my experience was completely the opposite. It just takes a little bit of effort to welcome people into your life.
PS: I should write about some of our interactions with kids. We’ve had some great ones here in Mexico…they are so open and curious about the gringos with tattoos!
Hi Betsy - This is great, great advice. As a pretty shy person, I used to be super self-conscious about reaching out first but have personally given this a try and can attest it makes a world of difference.
And I love hearing about all the interactions and experiences you are having in Mexico! Looking forward to hear more.
So happy to hear that your experiment worked, Kathleen! It’s a tiny little step that opens the doors that were previously closed. It’s funny, as a small-town girl I never knew people didn’t greet each other openly all the time; it’s just the way I grew up. I went to NYC alone in 2001 and kept hearing how much I’d hate being by myself in such a cold city, but my experience was completely the opposite. It just takes a little bit of effort to welcome people into your life.
PS: I should write about some of our interactions with kids. We’ve had some great ones here in Mexico…they are so open and curious about the gringos with tattoos!
…or alternatively you could just walk up a train carriage on the Mongolian border with their facebook profile open on your phone checking the people in each berth as you go
That, too, KC! Either way, it works to be open to meeting people.
…or alternatively you could just walk up a train carriage on the Mongolian border with their facebook profile open on your phone checking the people in each berth as you go
That, too, KC! Either way, it works to be open to meeting people.
Hi Warren and Betsy,
What a great article. It just shows how easy it is to open yourself up to all new possibilities. I love reading of your adventures. If you make your way back to Austin I’d love to see you both again.
Hi, Mary Kay! I’m sure we’ll be back to Austin. It’s such a great city. And we loved meeting everyone at the Celtic group there - another version of just showing up expecting to make friends…and we did!
Hi Warren and Betsy,
What a great article. It just shows how easy it is to open yourself up to all new possibilities. I love reading of your adventures. If you make your way back to Austin I’d love to see you both again.
Hi, Mary Kay! I’m sure we’ll be back to Austin. It’s such a great city. And we loved meeting everyone at the Celtic group there - another version of just showing up expecting to make friends…and we did!
Great article. I brag about how nice people were to us in Paris, France or New York City or even in the deep south. Then I complain about people being rude in my home city. After my last trip to southern Mississippi I contemplated saying hello to every stranger I saw in my town - just like people did to me in Mississippi. It might be me. I am going to be more aware on how I present myself at home. Thanks!
Hi, Leala. Sometimes we get complacent in our regular surroundings. It’s also because new places are new and we notice everything more. At home, you might just be too preoccupied (and so is everyone else) to remember to be friendly. But when you do, it will make a big difference! Let us know how your experiment at home goes - we’d love to hear.
Great article. I brag about how nice people were to us in Paris, France or New York City or even in the deep south. Then I complain about people being rude in my home city. After my last trip to southern Mississippi I contemplated saying hello to every stranger I saw in my town - just like people did to me in Mississippi. It might be me. I am going to be more aware on how I present myself at home. Thanks!
Hi, Leala. Sometimes we get complacent in our regular surroundings. It’s also because new places are new and we notice everything more. At home, you might just be too preoccupied (and so is everyone else) to remember to be friendly. But when you do, it will make a big difference! Let us know how your experiment at home goes - we’d love to hear.
Beautifully written! It seems that finding a mutual interest right off the bat is a solid way to form relationships.
Hi, Mike. It’s so easy to find a common point of interest with people, but so often the focus is on what we DON’T have in common. It’s a tiny little switch in thinking that makes it much easier to meet people and begin friendships.
Beautifully written! It seems that finding a mutual interest right off the bat is a solid way to form relationships.
Hi, Mike. It’s so easy to find a common point of interest with people, but so often the focus is on what we DON’T have in common. It’s a tiny little switch in thinking that makes it much easier to meet people and begin friendships.
Ah Betsy. Fun, fun, fun!!! Chatting it up with people you’ve just met is such a pleasure. The excitement, the energy, the antics, all good. And a few round don’t hurt either. We once met a Greek guy in a little Texas town in a saloon. Four hours later and perhaps even more beers, we were carrying on like childhood friends. He asked all about our marriage and if we really loved each other as much as it seemed. He even called us the intelligentsia, which although untrue, was quite flattering. A fun post on a fun topic!!
CJ, I’d love to be mistaken for the intelligentsia!
What a great story.
Ah Betsy. Fun, fun, fun!!! Chatting it up with people you’ve just met is such a pleasure. The excitement, the energy, the antics, all good. And a few round don’t hurt either. We once met a Greek guy in a little Texas town in a saloon. Four hours later and perhaps even more beers, we were carrying on like childhood friends. He asked all about our marriage and if we really loved each other as much as it seemed. He even called us the intelligentsia, which although untrue, was quite flattering. A fun post on a fun topic!!
CJ, I’d love to be mistaken for the intelligentsia!
What a great story.
What fun! That night at the bar is also testament to your willingness to go with the flow of the situation-super helpful trait for unexpected new relationships. You have a good sensitivity for reading a situation!
Ah yes, going with the flow. Flexibility is an excellent life skill to have, Shawn (as you well know). Sometimes you just have to go with it and see where it leads.
What fun! That night at the bar is also testament to your willingness to go with the flow of the situation-super helpful trait for unexpected new relationships. You have a good sensitivity for reading a situation!
Ah yes, going with the flow. Flexibility is an excellent life skill to have, Shawn (as you well know). Sometimes you just have to go with it and see where it leads.
What terrifically practical and encouraging advice! Making friends is such an important skill, and it’s not taught in school. Unless you had parents who modeled meeting people, you were really out of luck as an adult. For the first twenty years of my life, I described myself as being able to blend effortlessly with the wallpaper. That is no longer the case, thank goodness. One important thing I learned is that everyone has interesting stories to tell. As you note, our ability to make new friends has so much to do with our attitudes and behaviors, so being joyfully curious has become my default mindset.
Hi, Kim. “Joyfully curious” has to be a pretty spectacular attitude to live every day. Can you tell me what made the switch for you?
Your comment about wallpaper made me chuckle as I recently had a friend tell me wallpaper - like hair perms - is no longer in fashion. Bad news for wallflowers looking for sanctuary!
It is true that your parents teach you a lot about social interaction. My parents are not overly social people, but we did grow up in a religious community and so I learned from an early age to greet and get to know people of all ages on a regular basis. It was good training, and I never really appreciated that fact until I read your comment, so thank you.
Hi Betsy, nice to meet you!
It’s funny-I have never considered “joyfully curious” to be a spectacular attitude. Looking for the good has just become a default frame of mind. Let’s just say there is a reason my blog is called “Too Darn Happy”. ;-D
Growing up in an encouraging church community must have been such a blessing! We have been members of a church now for about 8 years, and that fellowship has been responsible for part of my change.
To answer your question, I would say the rest came in baby steps, and here are four of the bigger ones: a husband who for thirty years has believed strongly in me, a college professor who told me I had potential as a writer, a God who loves me powerfully and deeply as I am, yet nudges me to be who I can be, and most recently, becoming a member of Toastmasters. The common thread was that each held a mirror up for me and contradicted my belief that I really wasn’t interesting, and people wouldn’t want me as their friend. Once I realized I, too, had something to offer, it became easier to meet people.
Kim, so glad you discovered the switch and have supportive people in your life. It makes all the difference! And the practice with groups like Toastmasters (along with the constructive feedback) shows that every person has a story to tell. We just need to find the right audience.
I do think it is valuable for kids to experience interacting with people of all ages. We recently had dinner with a 20-year-old German man here in Mexico and I was incredibly impressed with his ability (and interest) in interacting with people twice his age and more. You can tell he had practice with this from a very young age, and his parents made it a priority. He’ll have no trouble meeting people throughout his life. I contrast this with other 20-year-olds I know who didn’t have this practice, and the difference is startling.
Thanks so much for sharing part of your story, Kim. Looking forward to getting to know you better!
What terrifically practical and encouraging advice! Making friends is such an important skill, and it’s not taught in school. Unless you had parents who modeled meeting people, you were really out of luck as an adult. For the first twenty years of my life, I described myself as being able to blend effortlessly with the wallpaper. That is no longer the case, thank goodness. One important thing I learned is that everyone has interesting stories to tell. As you note, our ability to make new friends has so much to do with our attitudes and behaviors, so being joyfully curious has become my default mindset.
Hi, Kim. “Joyfully curious” has to be a pretty spectacular attitude to live every day. Can you tell me what made the switch for you?
Your comment about wallpaper made me chuckle as I recently had a friend tell me wallpaper - like hair perms - is no longer in fashion. Bad news for wallflowers looking for sanctuary!
It is true that your parents teach you a lot about social interaction. My parents are not overly social people, but we did grow up in a religious community and so I learned from an early age to greet and get to know people of all ages on a regular basis. It was good training, and I never really appreciated that fact until I read your comment, so thank you.
Hi Betsy, nice to meet you!
It’s funny-I have never considered “joyfully curious” to be a spectacular attitude. Looking for the good has just become a default frame of mind. Let’s just say there is a reason my blog is called “Too Darn Happy”. ;-D
Growing up in an encouraging church community must have been such a blessing! We have been members of a church now for about 8 years, and that fellowship has been responsible for part of my change.
To answer your question, I would say the rest came in baby steps, and here are four of the bigger ones: a husband who for thirty years has believed strongly in me, a college professor who told me I had potential as a writer, a God who loves me powerfully and deeply as I am, yet nudges me to be who I can be, and most recently, becoming a member of Toastmasters. The common thread was that each held a mirror up for me and contradicted my belief that I really wasn’t interesting, and people wouldn’t want me as their friend. Once I realized I, too, had something to offer, it became easier to meet people.
Kim, so glad you discovered the switch and have supportive people in your life. It makes all the difference! And the practice with groups like Toastmasters (along with the constructive feedback) shows that every person has a story to tell. We just need to find the right audience.
I do think it is valuable for kids to experience interacting with people of all ages. We recently had dinner with a 20-year-old German man here in Mexico and I was incredibly impressed with his ability (and interest) in interacting with people twice his age and more. You can tell he had practice with this from a very young age, and his parents made it a priority. He’ll have no trouble meeting people throughout his life. I contrast this with other 20-year-olds I know who didn’t have this practice, and the difference is startling.
Thanks so much for sharing part of your story, Kim. Looking forward to getting to know you better!
Sounds fun! I personally end up having hilarious conversations with taxi drivers here in China, even if I don’t understand them half the time. I also find that trying to speak the local language goes a long way and people really appreciate the effort.
Sounds fun! I personally end up having hilarious conversations with taxi drivers here in China, even if I don’t understand them half the time. I also find that trying to speak the local language goes a long way and people really appreciate the effort.
Hi Betsy! The type of interactions you explain are some of the best memories we have. Although we have never spent a night with a family and been adopted into their family, I am now more open to it after reading your writing. Thank you!
Hi Betsy! The type of interactions you explain are some of the best memories we have. Although we have never spent a night with a family and been adopted into their family, I am now more open to it after reading your writing. Thank you!
Betsy,
You both have inspired my wife and I to step out into our Alexander the Great conquers the world tour!
Thanks for that!
Eric, Lisa, Kelsey and Alex!
Eric, I wish you and your family much success on your journey to bring awareness to special needs adoption.
Betsy,
You both have inspired my wife and I to step out into our Alexander the Great conquers the world tour!
Thanks for that!
Eric, Lisa, Kelsey and Alex!
Eric, I wish you and your family much success on your journey to bring awareness to special needs adoption.