Returning home is the most difficult part of long-distance hiking; You have grown outside the puzzle and your piece no longer fits. ~ Cindy Ross
I have just completed the biggest physical challenge I’ve ever attempted - walking 300 miles following the ancient Lycian Way along the coast of Turkey. I was expecting to be overwhelmed with a sense of pride and accomplishment, but instead I am out of sorts and filled with a sense of loss. What the hell? It is like the day after Christmas all over again.
When I was a kid the most melancholy hours of my year were reserved for Christmas Day afternoon. I was left with an emptiness knowing that everything I had looked forward to for a year was suddenly over.
Every year, the Friday after Thanksgiving signified the beginning to the final countdown. We would buy the tree, pull out the decorations and spend the day filling the home with Christmas. I vividly recall removing the family Christmas countdown wall calendar from the boxes, anxious for the days left to the “big day” to be publicly tracked. Each space on the calendar represented a day and there was a place to tie 2 candy canes, one for me and one for my brother. Each day we would be able to remove a piece of candy and count down one step closer to Christmas morning, the biggest day of the year.
I loved that calendar and would begin each morning running to mark myself another 24 hours closer to Santa’s arrival. By December 15th I was beside myself with excitement. By the time I was eight I was convinced that the 10 days before Christmas were actually longer than all the other days of the year, an evil plot to prolong all children’s wait for Christmas morning.
By the time Christmas Eve finally arrived I approaching complete hysteria. I recall each year pulling off the final candy to reveal no more days left, simply a night’s sleep and my dream day would be here. I always slept fitfully the night before and would sit bolt up awake with all the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning. There is a very good reason writers use this analogy for happiness as I can think of no better encapsulation of pure joy than when I would bound from bed and race to the tree. The next few precious hours after stirring awake on Christmas morning represented the peak of happiness for me each year.
By early afternoon the presents had all been unwrapped, the toys had all been played with, and the sugar rush from the chocolate and candy had worn off. It was at this moment, without fail, that I would be filled with a sadness and loss I could not explain. It was like something I had never fully appreciated or known was valuable was suddenly wrenched from my life and I was not sure how I could get it back.
How could a day I looked forward to so much each year always leave me downcast by sunset?
The Melancholy of “I’m Finished!”
Immediately after completing the Lycian Way hike in Turkey I felt like I was 10 years old again. I had just spent 30 days in the most physically demanding experience I had ever attempted - over 300 miles of walking and a cumulative ascent greater than that the height of Mount Everest. I’d become comfortable finding and setting up camp in the middle of nowhere. I’d discovered a sense of partnership with Betsy that I had never known possible. And against all my innate tendencies, I was able to let go of the rigors of planning and become comfortable not knowing where we would be sleeping each night.
All in all, I was pushing some major personal boundaries and discovering new aspects of myself in the process. I imagined taking those final steps would fill my heart and head with an overwhelming sense of personal accomplishment and delight at completing the challenge. Instead, I was smacked in the head with that familiar, yet long-forgotten feeling of loss.
Our last morning we awoke in our tent on a beach listening to the sounds of the waves a few feet away and watching the sun rise over the water. It was the perfect ending to 30 days of walking and a pure digital detox. We walked up to the highway and caught a domus (small bus) to head into the city of Antalya. As soon I sat down I was seized by the feeling that something was missing. I was disappointed at the prospect of not getting up the next day, lacing up my boots, and setting off with Betsy to see more of this amazing country by foot.
As we drove back into civilization Betsy held my hand and we talked a bit about all we had experienced during this adventure. We discussed:
- the kind lady who allowed us to pick apples in her garden and refused to accept any payment
- the color of the Mediterranean that first morning we crested the hills and it spread out before us
- the fact that our asses are probably as tight as they have ever been
- how proud we are of each other
- the perfection of our last morning, watching the sunrise and eating breakfast in the ruins of Phaselis
Despite all these thoughts and conversations, I could not shake off the sense of melancholy that had covered me like a blanket. Despite talking through all the great memories made I was mourning the loss of the adventure itself, but also the anticipation itself.
It’s the anticipation.
It is clear to me, and now to you dear reader, that I LOVE the build up to events and experiences that I believe are truly going to impact me. For months I thought about what it would be like to take my first step under the Lycian Way sign.
How I would feel when I camped inside the first set of ruins.
I had envisioned the smell of salt water as we crested the hill with the Mediterranean Sea spread out below me.
I also imagined the sense of accomplishment I would have at the end of this month long walk and knew it would be the greatest feeling I could create. But all that anticipation had built up for so long that I was not prepared for the void it would leave when the anticipation itself was gone.
In the end, the trail far exceeded all my romantic notions. The silence was complete and divine. The walking was hard but at virtually every turn I was rewarded with views and sights I have never experienced before. Sleeping amidst ancient ruins made my skin tingle to know that all around me were buildings that had been there for centuries and here I was getting the chance to fall asleep staring at the architecture. And each day we encountered amazing people who were quick with a smile and ready to help by giving us directions, food, or water.
Plus, for 30 days I was able to completely disconnect from email, Facebook, promotion of books, news, and all the various trappings of the online world. Instead of being lost in my computer I let my mind wander and create. Betsy and I would talk for hours about new ideas, our thoughts on various subjects, discuss new book ideas, or just simply marvel that we were here walking through the history of this area.
As I look back at these 30 days, of course I am overwhelmed with a sense of appreciation for each moment. The experience has changed me and many ways and it is now that I am starting to appreciate just how much. However, in those moments of true honestly, it is the sense of loss that I feel the most. The loss of the anticipation that I had for experience. The loss of solitude when I was walking and alone with my thoughts. The loss of that focused and non-distracted time with Betsy where we could be together fully and had the time to talk for hours.
I miss the trail.
In the coming weeks we will both write far more about this experience, we’ll share images from the trail, and post videos we took along the way. We will spend time talking about how this experience has changed us, how our relationship has grown stronger as a result, and what we can do to maintain the sense of peace we achieved while walking.
Soon this sense of emptiness will pass, just like it did on December 26th each year. It will slide away and leave me with all the fond memories of an adventure I will always treasure. The images will spark stories which Betsy and I will share over wine for the rest of our lives. I will begin to understand just how much this walk changed me and begin appreciating how these steps impacted my life.
But for now, I am wallowing a bit in that sense of loss for a couple more days. I wish I was rolling over in the tent to watch the sunrise knowing I had 20km of walking ahead of me and wondering what all I would see. Instead, I’m in a cozy apartment with food and drink at my disposal and paved roads to guide me anywhere I want to go. I want to hold on to that feeling of sunrise in the tent every morning, anticipating the day’s challenges, even though I’m now waking up every day in a comfy bed.
There is a new adventure out there waiting for me, this much I know. A new part of the world is waiting to be explored on foot and will start calling to me and the cycle will begin anew.
The spark of a new challenge is the gift that arrives when the melancholy of success starts to fade.
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About Warren
Bravo! Goosebumps!
WOW, a first. I must say that such a response if going to make me impossible to live with for a week. I’ll warn Betsy.
I know that feeling and can empathize. I always needed some along time to reflect
on it all before I could even begin anything new. And then……I was ready again….
Loved reading your adventures….keeps the high…high. Cheers
What struck me was the force with with it hit. The longer I’m able to reflect the more I can begin to appreciate and enjoy the experience. In addition, I can feel the familiar churning again as the anticipation for something new arises.
I relate. Felt the same way after walking the Camino. So now I just do a lot of hiking and backpacking in Oregon and plan to do other walks around the world like the Shikoku 88, the Lycian Way, and others. There are so many amazing paths to walk.
Hiking is my favorite outdoor activity as I love the serenity of being fully disconnected and out in nature. The ideal is a remote, challenging hike where I can be lost in the concentration of the effort and feel the thrill of achievement at the end of a long climb to enjoy the scenery around me. It is also the perfect place for me to open my mind to new ideas and let myself be absorbed with my inner dialog.
Absolutely check out the Lycian Way as it was the single most rewarding hike I’ve ever experienced.
Wonderful vistas, Warren! It’s no wonder you and Betsy enjoyed this lovely interlude. I expect that Walden Pond would hold significant appeal to you both.
This post also speaks volumes about the human condition and the continuing cycle of Desire ~> Fulfillment ~> New Desire. As soon as we’ve satisfied “one itch” (or adventure or experience), we feel let down . . . until a new itch arises to take its place and garner our attention. At first we want to “write a book.” Then we want to “find an agent.” Then we want a publisher. And readers. Fans. Sales. And more sales. And we want to write a new book. And we want to . . .
As long as we are “looking forward to” accomplishing X, Y, or Z, desires continue to arise causing frustration and impatience. We suffer whether we attain the object of our desire or see it hanging just out of reach, never realized.
We hurry from Point A to Point B thinking that happiness lies behind Door #25. But when we get there, after the brief sugar rush subsides, we find that happiness is NOT there after all.
Happiness is found when we enjoy the JOURNEY in the Here and Now, letting life unfold . . . without worrying about reaching a set DESTINATION or GOAL. When we enjoy the miracle of THIS moment, we find the abiding happiness that we’ve been yearning for since the advent of Advent Calendars. All we have to do is look within . . . where Peace, Hope, Love, Joy, and Laughter reside.
Namaste!
Hi Nancy, love your perspective on this. The journey has always been a large part of what I love about travel and exploration. I love the knowledge that life continues to happen, all around you, regardless of if you are in motion or sitting still.
During this hike it was a chance to disconnect and reconnect with my own thoughts and remind myself how much I love living in the moment. I’ll admit to being caught up in always looking forward but 30 days along the coast of Turkey was a fantastic reminder that each moment is meant to be treasured and enjoyed.
I appreciate the reminder as it is a mantra I am running over and over in my mind to ensure I maintain the focus on the present. Though I don’t ever want to lose the feeling of excitement which anticipation can provide to me as well. The key is balance, but I know that is the desire for us all.
Yes! Exactly. When we are enjoying the journey . . . in THIS moment . . . and THIS moment . . . and THIS moment . . . the adventure NEVER ends. We realize that something amazing can happen around ANY corner ~ in the middle of a crowded city bus, at a ball game, or while chopping wood.
Instead of anticipating “beginnings” and mourning “endings” . . . we enjoy the gentle flow from “where we are” to “where we are” to “where we are.”
Warren you have a very human personality. *laugh* I suffer from anti-climax as well.
After years of seeing the Acropolis (or fill in just about any popular art history icon) I finally went to Greece and stood on those steps, walked amongst the rubble and felt completely underwhelmed. Very glad to have seen it all, in person, but no sooner had I arrived than I wanted to find lunch. I have found it’s best for me not to over think or over plan before going. That may be why I love Prague and Xilagani (northern Greece) so much.
I actually found the Acropolis one of the ruins that actually stood up to my expectations! The Acropolis, Angkor, and to a degree the Colosseum. I thought the castle in Prague was underwhelming, and so was the Statue of Liberty.
Maria, not sure I’ve ever heard someone use the phrase anti-climax before but it certainly made me laugh.
This is sage advice as too often I find myself underwhelmed because I kept building up an experience in my mind based on the photos and stories of others. I still find myself creating elaborate, romantic ideals in my mind (a topic for another post) and then struggling when the moment does not live up. Letting go of this tendency and embracing each experience with fresh eyes and an open mind is far more rewarding.
I’m putting it into practice now as I type this looking out across the Mediterranean Sea at the Greek island of Meis and just appreciating the beauty of THIS moment.
I second the goosebumps! The descriptions are amazing. I sat next to a distant cousin at a wedding today who envied my travel experiences and talked about the places he wishes he’s visited, but work is too busy. I shared your story and plugged your blog, he’s only 25 but hopefully he’ll get a few more stamps in his passport soon.
Hoping for photo evidence of some of those awesome side effects that you and Betsy discussed above about your adventure!
Thank you for the kind words. It is touching when your words can elicit goosebumps, but more encouraging when they inspire sharing. So pleased to hear that your cousin is dreaming and hope that he finds the inspiration to take actions and make them come true.
More photos coming very soon of the before and after.
Ha! I was thinking similarly about myself last night, as I anticipate our Christmas trip (leaving in two weeks-ish), but I was thinking about where to go *next* year, for Christmas 2014!
I had to tell myself, whoa, let’s enjoy *this* trip first! (Talk about overplanning…)
Brooke, I completely understand. I often find myself sitting down with Betsy at a meal and beginning to discuss the next one. We plan lunch at breakfast, often before we even get our food. It is inherent in our nature to look forward, but I’m going to do my best to fight this impulse and enjoy my meals today without contemplating the next. Of course, now all I can think about is food so this is going to be tough.
Have a great Christmas trip and I hope you slow down and enjoy the experience you are in. 2014 can wait for at least a few more weeks.
I know that feeling well. I like to use the metaphor of giving birth. Just recovering and relaxing into this new “thing” you created together.
PS, I’m anonymous today to let you know that we are divorcing. Dontknow if Debb told you. I’m looking forward to reading your new book.
Love from Dr. You know who in the Emerald City.
Wise words, friend. My thoughts are with you as you head out into something new and take on all the joy and fear that the unknown can bring. I know it will be rewarding in the end as you go after what you most want. Looking forward to sharing the new book with you and gleaning your feedback along the way.
Wow, I’m jealous. I just may have to add this hike to my bucket list. I am glad you both are back safe and sound though.
Warren, your words were lovely and so inspiring!
Carrie, the Lycian Way is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys hiking and would be looking for a long and beautiful walk. It is challenging, but that makes it all the more rewarding in my mind.
Thank you the encouragement and kind words.
Beautiful writing.
Returning home for me has been relaxing and comforting, but I imagine feelings of loss may start to creep in at some point soon when the routine really starts to set in. That said, coming home definitely has sealed for me that I don’t want a nomadic life. The last six months have been amazing but were enough to sate my appetite.
For the last several years there has not been much a routine for me, but I could see this as being an opportunity to reflect back wistfully upon past adventures/experiences. For me the loss seems to come from the absence of anticipation, which was my partner and companion for so long leading up to a big event. Once that is gone it left a void which I had not realized would exist.
The most important discovery we can all make is knowing what we want. This comes from trying new things (travel full-time) and removing things we don’t want. You have made a very big step towards your dream life by finding out that nomadic life is not for you and I’m so happy to know as that means you can get on with the business of creating the life you truly crave.
Well welcome back to the electric grid, and glad to see that neither earthquakes or ISON halted your progress.
I think you perception about things is spot on. I think as people we have that transition. I feel this calls for a bottle of good wine and a few chairs and a conversation about the next goal. You have created another wonderful and positive life experience for your memory banks later in life, go grab another and enjoy. If you want your audience to give you ideas, i would buy/rent a house boat and go from one hemisphere to another along the coast and write a book while doing that.
Enjoy guys
Fred, we absolutely LOVE suggestions from our readers. Many of our best adventures came as suggestions from our audience and we try to say yes to as many as we can.
The idea of a houseboat, sailing around for a year is very high on our list and we’d love to make it happen. First step, we need to learn how to sail/run a boat. Any suggestions for where to start? Then, we need to find a boat which we can use to explore. NOW my mind is racing again with the possibilities. Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your suggestion.
I was away for the weekend so just read your post this morning. Hiking/Camping is our favorite activity and has been through out or long relationship. When I wandered upstairs to heat up my coffee I noticed the way our home is set up is to give us a sense of camping and hiking. We have an east facing bedroom with no curtains so we wake up to the sunrise. Our deck is on the east so we can shiver through the first cuppa in early spring and bundle up as if we were camping. Etc. It does help us re-orient to our town life more easily if we can have some of our most enjoyable ‘hiking/camping’ happenings right at home. And the transition from crisp mountain air to Forced Air never gets easier and this is a good thing - it keeps us heading out the door in anticipation of the next trail. Thanks for the great post and the inspiration.
Lori, love the idea of building a life around what you love. Plus, “having hiking/camping happenings” right there at the house means you can enjoy it any time of year. How fun.
We are thinking a hiking/camping road-trip around the US would be a great way to spend a few months. There are so many great hikes and places to see there that we’d love to dive in. Know anyone with a small camper van which is looking for love?
Just checked. Friend already sold hers. I will keep an eye open for van open for adoption. I am kinda watching for one for us and if we find what we want it could probably be ‘borrowed’ for time periods unknown and not too pre-planned. I’ll let you know what happens.
Lori, that’s a deal! We would love to give love to a camper while it’s not in action and take it out to explore more of the world. Thank you for thinking of us and looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Congrats! Great post and looking forward to the pictures and video. You cant help but, have an experience like that change you in subtle and perhaps more dramatic ways.
Good point, Rebecca. I’m finding that the more I reflect back on this walk the more change I’m discovering. It is providing a lot of fodder for stories as well that I will be sharing here.
What an adventure! I always feel a similar sense of loss after experiencing something epic and/or life changing. I’ve always associated that feeling with the loss of the “old me”, that person I was before completing the mission.
Cam, what an interesting perspective. I’d not thought about the idea of loss from the angle of the “old me”. I’m glad you shared as it is an example of just how different we all are in processing fantastic experiences. There is no “right” way, but only how we discover to reflect back on the life we live. Thank you for sharing.
INCREDIBLE post, Warren.
I can definitely relate to your feelings of anti-climax (now the second time you’ve read that phrase!). But what I love most about this post is seeing how much you and Betsy utterly adore each other. I’m sorry to hijack your article and comment on a totally different aspect of it! But I just find it so lovely: it underlies everything else you write about.
As for your feelings of emptiness… they’ll pass, like you say, and be replaced by exceptional, unforgettable and special memories. Just please don’t go getting too excited about Christmas this year - or else you’ll be back to square 1!
Hey Mish,
I will never feel bad if someone hijacks a comment to comment on our relationship. She’s my best friend, I love her more than anything, and I don’t care who knows it. This hike was an encapsulation of how our relationship has grown and I could not imagine doing it with anyone else (or wanting to for that matter).
The feelings of emptiness are fading, as you said. The photos are helping to bring out the great memories. Plus, now I’m looking forward to what new adventure we can tackle together. For now I’m enjoying the moment and am inspired to write more about my thoughts, hopes, and passion for life.
Thank you my friend for your honesty. Above all else I was really present to the amazing opportunity it was for you and Betsy to be even more touch with each other through this and the impact of being unplugged can have. you two are so plugged in, which is your job, but this offered you a real opportunity. And now I am completely committed to making an unplugged, physically challenging, destination experience happen for Kent and I. Right after we go be hedonistic in Buenos Aires for 2 weeks!
Darcey, I hope there will be pictures from this Buenos Aires hedonistic adventure. Sounds like there is more than one way to become plugged in together, and I’m sure you and Kent know the recipe. We’ve found that during the toughest challenges our relationship is at its strongest. It is during the downtime after when we seem to get snippy. Guess we’ll need to explore that issue together over happy hour.
Well put Warren! Since you now know you are an anticipation guy…then it will be important to find that next experience to anticipate! ahem…Nepal?!
I feel so lucky that I was able to experience half of the walk with you two - it taught me so much. I know that we all had our own demons and challenges to overcome - and it was wonderful having you there to motivate me through them.
Hey Sherry, we loved that you introduced us to the hike and then joined us for the adventure. It is now one of my favorite memories and has filled me with confidence (and anticipation) for the next opportunity to hit the trail. So glad to have shared a part of this with you.