If you fear missing out on your regular life to pursue your dream life, you’re not alone. But here’s why being out of loop is a good thing:
Today marks 1000 days of living our dream. You may recall we embarked on this journey in 2010 under a cloud of stress and doubt (an attempted political coup will do that to novice travelers). Since then we’ve gotten master’s degrees from the School of Life in flexibility, perseverance, and confidence.
Our bullshit detectors are finely tuned, but we don’t feel jaded. We have dozens more friends than we did before, some of them incredibly close despite our physical distance. We’re a combined 85 pounds lighter thanks to walking every single day and eating mostly unprocessed food. We have a business we love that is changing lives. And we are pretty confident about our ability to handle whatever comes our way.
We’re proud of the skills that have been shaped by the experiences of the past 1000 days.
And we are happy and satisfied with the path we’re one, committed to continue it for the foreseeable future. But even this far on the other side of reaching a big dream, there are still surprises, wistful glimpses into the life we used to have.
A recent one happened right here in our home country.
Discovering You’re Out of the Loop
We were having drinks with some friends we met while traveling who happen to be based in San Francisco. These are all people who are familiar with the tech world and who we would consider hip (and yes, I realize using the word “hip” makes us decidedly not so). But I like to think we’d be the slightly older Seattle versions of these people had we stayed in our previous lifestyles.
Maybe that’s why this struck such a heavy chord.
We saw a car drive by with a giant pink furry mustache on the front grille. Being in San Francisco, this didn’t seem weird. But we kept seeing them, so we wondered what it could be. A protest? A solidarity symbol? The latest evolution of the ribbon/bracelet/bumper sticker cause marker?
We made a comment and discovered that we were the only ones who didn’t know of Lyft, the app that allows you to order a car ride on demand from participants who might be in the area. The concept is supposed to feel like getting a ride from a friend, and the bonus is a cost savings for the user, a bit of extra cash for the driver, and a sense of community for everyone involved. It’s in major cities all over the country now.
This is exactly the kind of thing we would have known about before, being fans of collaborative consumption, but being out of the country and without cell phone (and in the know on the latest apps) for the last 1000 days has left us out of the loop on these kinds of things. And that felt weird.
In fact, it made us feel a little bit like the old people who just ‘don’t get it’ – the kind of people we never thought we’d be. And it’s not just this one example. There are others, ones especially highlighted in a visit to the US.
- When we arrived in San Francisco a month ago, I had not heard of a single movie at the theater. And this comes from a woman who went every week back in the old days.
- I just googled Macklemore & Ryan Lewis because I had no idea who they were. I haven’t downloaded 1 new song on iTunes since we left.
- And television? I get none of those references in casual conversation. (I had to google “Entertainment 720″ after everyone in the room laughed at the Parks & Recreation reference and I didn’t get the joke.)
Fear of Missing Out
As Warren and I examined our feelings later, we realized it was FOMO all over again.
Fear of Missing Out.
Wanting to know about everything, to be internet- and microwave-fast in our accumulation of knowledge and information.
To be one of the cool kids.
But if you’re scared of missing out on every single thing, you’ll never have the focus to achieve the one thing you truly want.
What it all boils down to is choice. When you decide to focus your attention on a goal, you are making the choice to let some things go. And at first it’s no big deal. But over time, in the months and years as you start living your dream, you’ll realize that your choices have taken you out of the loop of the things you used to know inside and out: Music, politics, technology, or pop culture.
You will not know about the greatest new restaurants in your town after you move. You’re former coworkers will get raises and promotions you may never hear about in your new job. If you travel, you’ll miss what happens back at home.
By choosing to focus on one thing, you are also choosing not to focus on something else. It’s a choice, and it goes both ways.
And when you start to feel out of the loop on some of those things that don’t really impact your dream, you’ll realize you’ve successfully made the transition. You are out of the loop, and for good reason. It’s what you chose to do to have something else.
Even though I wanted to be one of the cool kids at the table, I realize it was fleeting. I don’t live in San Francisco or carry a cell phone, so this Lyft service is not something I would ever use (even though I think it’s great). Television isn’t a big topic among my friends, so missing the occasional television reference is not going to diminish my communications. And if I want to get plugged back in to new music I have every opportunity to do it.
It’s all a matter of choice, and letting a few things go means you’ll have room in your life for the big things you want most. Even if it means not being the cool kid every once in a while.
Need some help focusing on your biggest goals and making the necessary choices? Learn the step-by-step method of making a big life change in Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers. This plan worked for us and for hundreds of other people with a variety of life-changing dreams. Available in print in just a few days or ebook in about 20 seconds.
About Betsy
As a sufferer of chronic FOMO, this was an especially reassuring post. Life is indeed all about choices, and pursuing a specific lifestyle inherently includes making the choice to discard pieces of other lifestyles. I’m struggling right now with the decision to continue living far away from home (and, shortly, to move abroad for about a year) or to get back to my roots, where so many wonderful people I care deeply about are going about their lives, having children, advancing in their careers, and generally creating memories together. Very, very tough to turn either option down.
I have often wondered if my husband and I were the only ones out there that didn’t care a whit about the new television shows or general pop culture references. In fact, I recently called up my cell service provider to ask if they could change my smartphone to a “dumbphone” plan because I simply did not use any of the apps…the customer service rep was so confused by this request it was comical! No matter, because at a very young age (41 and 50), my husband and I elected to retire early and have been to 6 countries in a little over a year, with the intention of full time travelling once our son is in college. My compatriots do not understand our new life one bit! We trade off pop culture, cable, new clothes and new cars to achieve our dreams and I have no desire to go back to the “norm”. I am very happy and inspired to find your blog!
ha ha dumbpbhone plan!
I’m with ya Lorri! I dropped my Apple iPhone into a cup of coffee and ruined it. I decided I wanted a basic phone. I was shocked to see that Sprint, my cell carrier, only offered two flip phones to choose from while the rest were all smartphones.
Ha - a “dumbphone” plan! Lorri, it sounds like you have your dream well in hand and know what you’re giving up to get it. Your son is lucky to have parents showing him what’s important.
Hi, Claire. I sympathize with you. One of the hardest days of our journey so far was when we were in Thailand and our good friend Karen had a 50th birthday bash in Seattle. We wanted to be there, but we just don’t have the budget to make travel decisions like that and stay on our dream. It’s times like that that highlight the path we’ve chosen. I’m still good with it, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard sometimes. I don’t know anyone who can have their cake and eat it, too. You are very smart to recognize this before you make the decision (which is why you’ll make a good one).
Good luck!
As a sufferer of chronic FOMO, this was an especially reassuring post. Life is indeed all about choices, and pursuing a specific lifestyle inherently includes making the choice to discard pieces of other lifestyles. I’m struggling right now with the decision to continue living far away from home (and, shortly, to move abroad for about a year) or to get back to my roots, where so many wonderful people I care deeply about are going about their lives, having children, advancing in their careers, and generally creating memories together. Very, very tough to turn either option down.
I have often wondered if my husband and I were the only ones out there that didn’t care a whit about the new television shows or general pop culture references. In fact, I recently called up my cell service provider to ask if they could change my smartphone to a “dumbphone” plan because I simply did not use any of the apps…the customer service rep was so confused by this request it was comical! No matter, because at a very young age (41 and 50), my husband and I elected to retire early and have been to 6 countries in a little over a year, with the intention of full time travelling once our son is in college. My compatriots do not understand our new life one bit! We trade off pop culture, cable, new clothes and new cars to achieve our dreams and I have no desire to go back to the “norm”. I am very happy and inspired to find your blog!
ha ha dumbpbhone plan!
I’m with ya Lorri! I dropped my Apple iPhone into a cup of coffee and ruined it. I decided I wanted a basic phone. I was shocked to see that Sprint, my cell carrier, only offered two flip phones to choose from while the rest were all smartphones.
Ha - a “dumbphone” plan! Lorri, it sounds like you have your dream well in hand and know what you’re giving up to get it. Your son is lucky to have parents showing him what’s important.
Hi, Claire. I sympathize with you. One of the hardest days of our journey so far was when we were in Thailand and our good friend Karen had a 50th birthday bash in Seattle. We wanted to be there, but we just don’t have the budget to make travel decisions like that and stay on our dream. It’s times like that that highlight the path we’ve chosen. I’m still good with it, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard sometimes. I don’t know anyone who can have their cake and eat it, too. You are very smart to recognize this before you make the decision (which is why you’ll make a good one).
Good luck!
I have not seen or heard of lyft or the giant pink furry mustaches on the front grilles and I live in San Diego. (Love the idea though.) Just goes to show that fomo can also be based on geographical places. I lived in the city (SF) for 5 years and I couldn’t keep up with the hipness of the place. But what you say is so true and I have put myself into some very interesting places to forward my dreams and have had some serious fomo. At times it was very hard and that’s why it helps to have a partner in crime so you both can buoy each other.
I have not seen or heard of lyft or the giant pink furry mustaches on the front grilles and I live in San Diego. (Love the idea though.) Just goes to show that fomo can also be based on geographical places. I lived in the city (SF) for 5 years and I couldn’t keep up with the hipness of the place. But what you say is so true and I have put myself into some very interesting places to forward my dreams and have had some serious fomo. At times it was very hard and that’s why it helps to have a partner in crime so you both can buoy each other.
Hi, April. A partner in crime does make it better when it comes to getting over these FOMO moments. Thankfully we don’t have the exact same FOMO focus, so it’s easier to talk each other out of it when it happens.
I’ve just recently started following your blog. Every post makes me smile. Thank you! I agree that you are not missing out on much by missing those tiny references.
I stepped off the Corporate America merry-go-round about 13 years ago. Everyone thought I was crazy to walk away from the money and downsize my material life significantly. 13 years later, most of them are still there and very unfulfilled in their work life, In those 13 years, I’ve lived in 3 different cities, enjoyed experiencing life living by a lake, in a small city up against a mountain and then a small metro city in a high rise, while gathering new friends and working as a consultant on interesting projects. Now, I’ve moved back to the big city hometown again to spend time with my family and life-long friends, but with a very different perspective and the goal of developing a few niche internet businesses so I can work anywhere there is internet access to support my desire for a location free work life. I’ve very much in the ‘less is more’ camp material wise while being surrounded by people in the camp of “if one is good, five is better.” I have to say they seem much more stressed in life than me. It’s hard to imagine not living on my own terms these days. I keep offering to help them come up with ways to shift their lifestyle some to make it less stressful and less employer dependent. Maybe one day they will take me up on my offer. Maybe I’ll just send them your way.
Miabella please message me, we sound like we have similar experiences and I would love to talk to you!
I’ve just recently started following your blog. Every post makes me smile. Thank you! I agree that you are not missing out on much by missing those tiny references.
I stepped off the Corporate America merry-go-round about 13 years ago. Everyone thought I was crazy to walk away from the money and downsize my material life significantly. 13 years later, most of them are still there and very unfulfilled in their work life, In those 13 years, I’ve lived in 3 different cities, enjoyed experiencing life living by a lake, in a small city up against a mountain and then a small metro city in a high rise, while gathering new friends and working as a consultant on interesting projects. Now, I’ve moved back to the big city hometown again to spend time with my family and life-long friends, but with a very different perspective and the goal of developing a few niche internet businesses so I can work anywhere there is internet access to support my desire for a location free work life. I’ve very much in the ‘less is more’ camp material wise while being surrounded by people in the camp of “if one is good, five is better.” I have to say they seem much more stressed in life than me. It’s hard to imagine not living on my own terms these days. I keep offering to help them come up with ways to shift their lifestyle some to make it less stressful and less employer dependent. Maybe one day they will take me up on my offer. Maybe I’ll just send them your way.
Miabella please message me, we sound like we have similar experiences and I would love to talk to you!
Hi, miabella. Thanks for your kind words.
Your lifestyle sounds amazing to me…13 different lifestyles and experiences in 13 years! I do love the “year in the life of” kind of stories.
It’s easy when you love your lifestyle to think everyone else will love it for themselves, too. But that’s not the case - we all have different goals and dreams. But if you keep following your own dreams you might just inspire them to chase a few of theirs…even if they keep their day jobs. Good luck!
We cancelled the newspaper years ago (to simplify our life).
In doing so, we knew we would be out of THAT loop.
We stopped watching the nightly news and don’t want many of the “IN” shows on TV.
Two more loops that we stepped away from.
We’ve moved, switched jobs, etc. More loops that we’ve left be hind.
But it still seems like we know what we NEED to know . . . and that’s all we need to know.
Good post.
We cancelled the newspaper years ago (to simplify our life).
In doing so, we knew we would be out of THAT loop.
We stopped watching the nightly news and don’t want many of the “IN” shows on TV.
Two more loops that we stepped away from.
We’ve moved, switched jobs, etc. More loops that we’ve left be hind.
But it still seems like we know what we NEED to know . . . and that’s all we need to know.
Good post.
HI, nrhatch. It’s surprisingly easy to find out what you need to know if you don’t already. We learn that every day in our travels, but I guess it doesn’t hit home until you return “home” and get schooled by people you know on things you think you should know.
Yesterday I found out that Hilary Clinton resigned as secretary of state. Which happened like half a year ago. And I follow politics! But I will admit that I have much less interest in American politics now that I’m living the ex-pat life. For example, I find it banal that everyone’s so excited the America has finally sort of almost come around on gay marriage, when it’s been completely legal in multiple other countries for multiple years. I sometimes wish I could fall completely out of the loop on American politics. I read a newspaper here recently (who still prints newspapers, am I right?) and none of the headlines were about America. They also weren’t all about the UAE. Even though the title of the paper is The National.
Basically, to your entire entry: word.
Yesterday I found out that Hilary Clinton resigned as secretary of state. Which happened like half a year ago. And I follow politics! But I will admit that I have much less interest in American politics now that I’m living the ex-pat life. For example, I find it banal that everyone’s so excited the America has finally sort of almost come around on gay marriage, when it’s been completely legal in multiple other countries for multiple years. I sometimes wish I could fall completely out of the loop on American politics. I read a newspaper here recently (who still prints newspapers, am I right?) and none of the headlines were about America. They also weren’t all about the UAE. Even though the title of the paper is The National.
Basically, to your entire entry: word.
Hi, Cantaloupe. When you get outside the US you realize how insular we are here in our perspectives. We still stay up on US politics, but we can’t do it to the detail we used to because it gets really frustrating. It’s like hearing all the bad things about your country without living there to experience the good things to balance it out. It’s too lopsided for us, and it drives us crazy.
We’re in NYC this week for Pride, which is going to be a great celebration. But yeah, kinda late to the game from a modern world perspective.
Betsy - Your Lyft example was close to my heart (literally and figuratively!). Having spending time in SF as a ‘home base’ for several months, you do get up to speed fairly quickly on the cultural things that your peers have in common. But just remember that you’re not *missing out* on anything; it’s just social currency people exchange with each other. But there’s really no *there* there. And plus, the social currency you share with fellow travelers (and with us, when we can keep up with you), is wayyy better.
Leah, “social currency” is a great way to put it. I don’t feel this way with other people who have a similar social currency / experience. You’ve put it into terms I can understand by making it about travel.
My FOMO comes from being small in a LARGE family…and will never go away…but i now am clear that the FEAR of missing out is distinct from missing out. I’m usually not the one missing out - and I assert, neither are you!
What an excellent distinction, Lori. FOMO does not equate to actually missing out. Brilliant!
I live in NYC — center of the universe — and still feel out of the loop. I have a husband I love spending time with, a book I’m working on, a few political issues I keep up with, plus cooking, cleaning, reading, exercising, playing soccer… And it’s all more than enough to fill the days (along with keeping up with friends and watching a movie now and then). I only know the movies from posters around town, because I do not watch television (only Netflix). It works out, though, because most of my friends also don’t watch TV (and my favorite references are old Simpsons references, at which I am quite proficient!).
I do read too much news, though. The internet is a FOMO nightmare, with every new little tidbit, story, post, and article only a click away. And a lot of them are genuinely good/fascinating/useful. That’s been my biggest stumbling block lately to having a more enjoyable life, meeting more goals and spending more time with people I care about. Sounds silly when you put it like that, but it’s true. Working on it this year, and getting better!
Hi, Pamela. The news on the internet is something Warren struggles with the most. In fact, he had to go on a news diet earlier this year because it was just all-consuming. It’s easy to get pulled down the rabbit hole, wanting to now what every possible expert and pundit thinks on every issue and reacting to them all.
I think most of us have a FOMO trigger subject, and you’re smart to recognize yours and do something about it. Good luck!
Fantastic post, Betsy. This is something I think many people can relate to, and there are so many different angles to it.
In some areas, I find myself eager to be OUT of the loop. There is so much pulling at our attention, splintering our focus in a thousand different directions. Everything seems geared towards consumption - of information, pop culture, news, non-news, all delivered with a (mostly) artificial urgency and importance. How much of it do we truly care about, and how much is just (as Leah so brilliantly put it) “social currency”?
I’m painfully aware of how much of my attention gets snagged by things I really don’t care about, that don’t move me any closer to achieving my goals or contributing real value to the world around me. So in that sense, if it means I’m living more intentionally, I’m working to move myself more outside the loop. So while I’m FAR from immune to FOMO, I think I’m even more afraid of missing out on what’s most important to me as a result of trying to keep up with everything else.
Miriam, what a beautiful comment! We should all be so afraid of missing out on what’s most important to us. We just arrived at our house sit in England yesterday, and it took me almost 24 hours to turn on my laptop and do anything serious. I am just so loving the serene environment, rambunctious pets, and sunny weather. I don’t want to know what’s going on in the world…at least not urgently. But as soon as I log on, there are countless things pulling at my attention…or my attention is pulling all those things to me.
So I’m working on this like you, keeping aware of what’s really important to me, and setting a schedule in place so I don’t spend all my time in this little zen staring at a computer and wondering what’s going on with everyone who probably wishes they had a day in the sunny countryside. Crazy when you think about it that way, isn’t it?