The beauty of lifestyle design is that there is no cookie cutter approach that works for everyone. You get to choose where and how you want to live, what kind of work you want to do, who to love, what causes or hobbies to pursue, and how to spend your free time.
All of those decisions come with work, of course. I’m not a big believer in manifesting something just because you think it - there is a little bit of elbow grease and help from your fellow (wo)man usually required to get there.
One of the most personal lifestyle design decisions we have made is to remain childless, and this is the one that people continually refer to no matter what part of our lives we are talking about. It is fascinating, really, and goes to show how important the decision is for most people.
We’ve talked about this before both on Delicious Day and here, and tonight at 5 pm Pacific I’ll be chatting about it with Kim Iverson on the Your Time with Kim radio show. (You can click on the link to find out where to listen in.)
I hope you’ll join us for the discussion.
In the meantime, what decisions have you made that have ruffled the feathers of your family and friends? Do you regret your decision or their reaction? And did you change your mind (or theirs) afterward?
Update:
Here is the audio of my interview on Your Time with Kim (7 minutes)
About Betsy
Actually, mine would be kind of the opposite of yours: getting pregnant at 19. I was told that I had ruined my life and that I should have an abortion and all kinds of things. Although not ideal, I do wish people would get out of their cookie cutter lifestyle and be open to other options. Some of us design our own lives and don’t use the playbook.
You know, just the other day I was thinking that someone always has a comment-like Shannon points out. We hope to have kids some day at 33 and 40. Recently my husband got guff from two old ladies about people having kids at such an old age-like 40. Too old, too young, don’t have kids, do have kids. . .There will always be opinions.
I wonder if people maybe seek to reinforce their own decisions by squelching differences. . .
I think you hit the nail on the head, Simple in France. We want to validate our own decisions and feel a little bit challenged by people who take a different path. In a healthy person, this is a good thing because it makes you think and appreciate the world around you. Unhealthy people see it as a commentary on their own decisions - a pretty selfish take on things, if you think about it.
Shannon, my mom had me when she was 17 years old, so I see where you are coming from. It was a tough start, but I know she wouldn’t trade it because of the life she has now. Sounds like you feel the same way.
It doesn’t matter how good your life starts out, you can always screw it up (that’s why we have reality tv). And it doesn’t matter what bad things happen to you - you can always make your situation better (and why we love comeback movies like Rudy). We have a lot more control over our happiness than most people think.
I read your comments on the Delicious Day site and I have to say that your answers are a little disappointing. I’m 24 and switch back and forth between wanting and not wanting children, my wife does the same. I see no problem with the decision not to have kids, that is your choice and it defienently has some appeal for the reasons that I think you enumerate quite clearly.
However, to one question about those that have kids you talk about the parents living vicariously through their children, feeling as though their children’s accomplishments are their own. While this does happen, I think a sense of pride for the accomplishments are entirely warranted, you go too far. You go on to say something to the effect of “people with children have all of their experiences through their children”. Perhaps your harsh response is merely a result of constant attacks that you receive for your decision, but practice what you preach, your way certainly isn’t the best way or the only way. I think both sides have merits.
To be fair to you, if someone told me “god you’re selfish” I’d tell them to fuck off, I just think you hurt your own credibility with some of the things you said.
And then of course once you have one child, everyone wants to know when you are having your next one ha ha! For myself I didn’t handle our first child well and would have (in the early days) been happy to be a one child family but my husband disagreed and I gave in. We had many many problems with our 2nd child when he was young right through his teenage years, he’s now almost 26 and quite a lovely person, and I wouldn’t put him back for all the tea in china. I do still have some issues for myself with motherhood - i would do anything and everything for my kids, but I worry about them quite a lot (i AM my mother’s daughter after all!) and sometimes I resent the worry I go through, although I love them to bits, I guess I just need to distance myself (emotionally at least) and try not to worry.
Daniel, thanks for your comments. It is good to hear a male opinion, especially a young married man. You and your wife are at a great age to be thinking about life’s bigger decisions while you enjoy your time together. You have years before you have to commit either way and many things to experience to help you make your decision. I wish you the best of luck in your journey together.
As to my credibility, though, there is nothing to damage. The interview was about my experience as a woman who is childless by choice. My opinions are based on my own experience and beliefs and people I know and not as I think things should be.
In fact, thing that most disturbs me about the Delicious Day interview is the fact that my career growth was easier than for the mothers in my last company. It was lucrative for me personally, but as a feminist I cringe knowing that the decision to become a mother can still negatively impact a woman’s career.
(Re: your last sentence, next time you think about telling someone to fuck off for disagreeing with you, though, you might want to pause and try to get a sense of where they are coming from. It may or may not change your mind, but it will help you develop a better understanding of the people around you - which makes your life richer. It only feels good to tell someone off for a moment, but understanding lasts forever.)
Judy, you sound like a terrific mom, and you confirm everything I think about mothers in general - that you guys have a tough job that doesn’t end when the kids leave home. Your son is lucky that you have his back, even if it causes you sleepless nights now and then.
Dave & I have always had the courage of our convictions, and we never really got a hard time about the no kids thing - who would dare?? Our families were always supportive about us making our own life’s choices. I guess we are lucky to come from intelligent, open-minded parents (and hopefully our cats feel the same way about us!)
My Mom just adores little kids, and has no grandkids from either of us daughters. She is perfectly cool about that, and says it’s everyone’s personal choice. But there are plently of kids in her life. She loves them and they love her, so she has honorary nieces and nephews and god children all over the place. I personally cannot tolerate anyone under the age of 15, and my world is devoid of youngsters by choice. So everyone is happy
Dave & I have always had the courage of our convictions, and we never really got a hard time about the no kids thing - who would dare?? Our families were always supportive about us making our own life’s choices. I guess we are lucky to come from intelligent, open-minded parents (and hopefully our cats feel the same way about us!)
My Mom just adores little kids, and has no grandkids from either of us daughters. She is perfectly cool about that, and says it’s everyone’s personal choice. But there are plently of kids in her life. She loves them and they love her, so she has honorary nieces and nephews and god children all over the place. I personally cannot tolerate anyone under the age of 15, and my world is devoid of youngsters by choice. So everyone is happy
A little late to the game but am absorbing your blog.
We have 1 son and I love it!!! He is adventurous like us, mainly because we always take him with us everywhere, since he was 4 months old and told his first road trip home to Texas. He is 7 now and wants to travel when he gets older, so I guess it worked!!
To each their own and ignore the naysayers and the rude comments. I am getting better at editing out then negative people in my life, with or without children.