Someone is watching you right now. It could be a coworker, a fellow commuter on the bus or train, or a neighbor. It could be an acquaintance, a very dear friend, or even a close family member. It might even be the clerk at the grocery store, a member of your book club, or your hair stylist.
I can’t tell you who it is, but I can tell you it is happening.
They aren’t watching you for any nefarious reason, and they may not even register that they are paying closer attention until later. They are watching you gradually change in a way that intrigues them, and one day they may tell you about it. Or not. But either way, they are watching, learning, growing.
Maybe you’ve lost weight or started a new hobby or project that inspires you and lights up your face. Or you’ve gained weight or the weight of your obligations is showing on your face. Perhaps you’ve fallen in love or you are navigating a fall out of love. You could be shepherding your children through a particularly rough stage, or maybe you are pushing yourself through the dual joy and sadness of watching them become independent of you. You may be juggling two jobs or one very overloaded one, or you could be basking in the glow of a well-deserved promotion and raise. You could be the main emotional support system to someone in emotional or physical crisis, or you may be on the receiving end of someone else’s love and attention during a time of need.
It doesn’t matter why people are noticing you, only that they are. And you in turn are noticing other people. We all do it; we just rarely ever tell anyone.
Wouldn’t you like to hear that someone thinks you are doing the right thing, enjoying a well-deserved happiness, or glowing from within? Or that your grace with your struggles is inspiring them to live better? Or that they completely understand what you are going through because they’ve done it, too?
Of course you would.
Take a minute to verbalize your thoughts to the people you are watching. It will mean the world to them that you noticed, and it might generate a conversation you’ve been needing to have or allow them to get something off their chests. Be graceful to those who compliment you; don’t downplay your joy or success because you have worked hard to get them.
Be free with genuine compliments. Lend an ear or a shoulder when times are hard. And become comfortable with being an example. Because you are whether you are a good one or a bad one.
About Betsy
Funny that you post this. Just last week I was chatting with a friend who manages a coffeeshop near me and I observed to her how amazing it was watching her and her 5 employees do their nonstop customer service dance at 7am. It really was nonstop for at least 90 minutes, with everyone managing 2-3 things simultaneously for 2-3 different customers. The comment caused a fascinating smile. From my friend.
I think we could all do with more politeness and compliments in our days!
Rob, you probably made her day! Coffeeshops in the morning are some of the busiest places around - full of busy, preoccupied people with full to-do lists for the day, and one wrong move in delivering the coffee can cause all kinds of mayhem for some people. They probably hear a lot of the bad stuff when things go wrong but not as much when things go right. Nice of you to notice AND make the effort to tell them so.
Thanks! Ill do this right now starting with the hubster.
I have long said that we emulate small pieces of people that we meet and know - that people inspire us in different ways and, in turn, we do that for others. I’ll admit that it wasn’t until I started stepping out and people would comment to me how proud they were or how inspired they were that I thought of returning that feeling. So now I do, as often as I can and, yes, the look on their face is worth it! Great article!
Hi, Gillian. Thanks for joining the conversation! A friend gave me a poem years ago called Bits and Pieces, and it talked about the bits and pieces we pick up from other people and assimilate into our lives, whether those people remain in them or not. Your comment reminds me of that poem and how even the littlest things can make such a big difference. I’m glad to hear that your efforts have been positively received and that you are encouraged to continue doing it.
A good reminder. I get caught up in my own head far too often, so I’m going to pay more attention and start talking more. I know how much it means to me when someone else “sees” me. Gotta pay that forward. Thanks!
Peg, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, isn’t it? I think the reason we don’t speak up more is not because we don’t notice or don’t care, it is because we are just too caught up in our world to make that effort. There’s a lot going on! But we notice when other people do it for us, so we should try to do it for others, too. Thanks for the reminder to pay it forward.
I love this post. You smoothly address a potentially complicated idea. Getting into this “groove” with people (and yourself) can be so fulfilling.
The other night, we noticed our waitress was distracted. We tactfully reached out and learned that, earlier in the evening, she had seen some people associated with her last job (where, we learned, she was let go after 13 years).
Anyhow… she was very happy that we asked if everything was okay. She really wanted to get it off her chest and was much “lighter” after we talked.
What a great example, Kent. We were just talking tonight with a woman who had an experience with an uncommonly rude Thai person in a professional transaction (unusual in itself since they are very polite and friendly people overall). We came to the same conclusion - something must have happened to make her act that way, and the best course of action is compassion, even if that means just overlooking a sour mood. You can lash out when these things happen - “she’s certainly not getting a tip for this lousy service!” - or we can react with compassion and maybe be the only light that person sees that day. You guys are a great example to follow, and I’ll be she really appreciated your thoughtfulness.
Side Note: If anyone needs our compassion on a regular basis, it is people in the food service industry. When you travel full-time and eat out 2-3 times a day, you get to witness some really horrific acts towards people who are just trying to feed you.
Nice post, Betsy. Thanks.
Thought provoking post. Are we willing to take the “risk” of reaching out to people like you suggest? What have we got to lose? What do we have to gain? Well, it isn’t about us, right? Why don’t we reach out more often? What kind of positive impact might we have in somebody’s life without ever even knowing it? And who exactly IS watching us? (besides Big Brother, of course.
)
Maybe we should say something nice to Big Brother. “Way to keep a watch on us, dude. Nice eyeballs.”
Seriously, though, I don’t advocate living your life as an example to others, but I do advocate living your life as an example to yourself. And hopefully others benefit, too.
It reminds me of when I got divorced and how it seemed that some friends and family had abandoned me, and the ones who stuck by were so surprising. One of those surprising people told me that it had happened to her when she got divorced and she made it a point to reach out to anyone she knew going through it because she remembered how it felt for her. And she inspired me to do the same thing going forward - something I might not have made a point to do otherwise. It is weird to reach out at first when you aren’t sure of how it will be received, but a little practice will demonstrate that 99% of people are grateful for the attention and you will be 100% glad you did it.
Completely get this, Betsy. This was the exact scenario a few weeks ago when I thought of emailing you about the irony around your book, but worried it would sound too blunt. After I told you, I was very glad we had that exchange. Sometimes it’s important to tell people exactly how you feel about them. You never know if they need to hear it or if you’ll have another opportunity.
Amber, thanks for that. For those who don’t know what she’s referring to, it is the actual finishing of the book that I’ve been threatening to do for years. Amber was my accountability partner who met with me via phone every other week for 3+ years before we left on the trip. We’ve come up with a lot of business ideas together! And we were recently talking about how amazing it was that I finally got the book done when I had the least amount of free time and focus to do it (seriously, writing between 6-8am every day when I’m not a morning person?). Amber surmised that it was because I was finally feeding my soul, doing the thing that I loved most, that made it possible for me to finish such a big project. It was a lightbulb moment for me, and I’m so glad she said it. Otherwise, I would have never made that connection - one that will undoubtedly impact many other big projects in my future.
Again, Amber, Thank You.
Hi Betsy,
I loved this entry and it was perfect timing for my own story. I recently ran into a woman I used to supervise in 2004-5, an intern with my mentoring/tutoring program for homeless and foster youth at the Oakland Unified School District. I never felt that I was able to make much impact due to the extreme needs of our students and their families, and I was spread pretty thin over my program with all my volunteers and interns. That said, she let me know that working for me was the highlight of her entire social services career, and then she described how our work had helped the families and children she/we served. She went on to write a very thoughtful, detailed, highly complimentary letter of recommendation for a job I’m interviewing for on Thursday.
Yes, you never know who is “watching” and how you are impacting those around you (children, family, friends, co-workers, clients, etc), and sometimes you only learn years later. I cant tell you how meaningful and encouraging her feedback was, as I’m facing sudden unemployment after a thriving 14 year social services management career…
Alisa, what a powerful statement on the kind of leader you are! It must have made your heart swell to hear those words. And if you hadn’t run into her - especially at this shaky moment in your career - you would have never known. It is so important to share with other people how much they mean to us. One of the best things about our trip was the chance to say proper goodbyes to our friends and family before we left, saying all the things we would have never voiced otherwise.
As much as we wanted other people to hear it, we also felt compelled to say it. I think when this happens it benefits both parties, don’t you?
Best of luck as you look for your next opening…and please email me if you want to brainstorm your next move a bit. I believe in you.
Wow! Didn’t think you saw me, watching you on the bus. *looks around nervously* I knew I should have carried a potted palm. Short or long, if I’m on public transport - I’m watching everyone.
Great points and another enjoyable read. Thnx!
Public transportation voyeurism! Man, you really can’t help it there, can you? On my route back in Seattle there was a guy who wore a outfits made of mismatched tablecloths for weeks. The day he showed up in a pinstriped suit was the day I couldn’t stop looking. What changed? Did he start taking medication, decide to fit to “normal” society, or was he testing us all to see if we were paying attention? Was it a social experiment? It definitely got my attention. Public transportation is a great study in human behavior.
Nice post! I didn’t know it was going to go that way when I started reading it, I thought it was going to be about stalkers or something! Lol
Well, I guess when you look at it that way everyone is stalking everyone else a little bit - we can’t help but be voyeurs into other people’s lives. I never thought of it that way before - good point!
Well said. It’s definitely something that’s forgotten often in the hustle and bustle of regular life, but we are all being watched indeed. I paid a lot more attention to that when I was actively teaching, but now that we are on the road I pay a bit less attention than I probably should. We definitely watch you guys as you travel (though I am usually a bit shy on the comments) and we’ve been incredibly inspired by your journey, so thank you!
Ashley, don’t be shy. We’d love to hear more from you!
Loved this, Betsy. What a fresh and inspiring read!
Loved this Betsy. What a fresh and inspiring read!