Your boss is holding you back at work, picking less talented coworkers for projects and raises that should be yours.
Your partner isn’t pulling his or her weight at home, and it’s why you’re too tired to exercise, take a class, or even remember to brush your teeth some nights before falling into bed.
Your friends are so wrapped up in their lives that they don’t have time to listen to your ideas and problems, and you’re so busy that you rarely have time to see them anyway.
The years are drifting by and you’re not making any progress on creating the life you crave:
Taking the painting class
Getting the promotion
Taking the big trip
Losing 20 pounds
Turning the spare bedroom into a studio
It’s easy to get frustrated over this lack of progress and to blame outside factors and the behavior of other people. If only they weren’t making my life so difficult….
Frustration is an emotional response to a perceived opposition to your will.
(Click to Tweet this)
You want something, and it’s not happening.
Who’s really to blame?
It’s them against you, or at least them being inconsiderate of you and making it harder for you to live your dream. Right? Your boss, partner, family, friends, and society in general become the target of your frustration and the ‘reason’ why you’re grinding your jaw to dust.
This kind of ‘aiming and blaming’ is human nature, so don’t feel bad if you’ve fallen into this trap. But it’s still wrong.
I’m going to offer you an alternative to this scenario, one that will ease the frustration you are feeling right now and put you back in the driver’s seat of your life.
But first you have to answer this question honestly:
Are you being clear about what you want to the people in your life?
(Click to tweet this)
Your first response is probably yes. But if you think about it, you will realize there is a big leap between what you say and what you mean, and you’re counting on other people to build the bridge. And when that doesn’t happen, you get frustrated.
But I shouldn’t have to spell it out, you think.
Yes, you should. Why would you make it harder for someone to know what you want?
He should know this by now, you mumble.
How could he, if he’s not a mind reader?
Doesn’t my work speak for itself?
No, your work doesn’t speak.
People often take the safe route because they lack the confidence to say and do what’s in their hearts. What will people think?
Or they want the idea to come from someone else’s mouth, so they plant the seed and hope it will grow. It’s better if he says it first.
How much closer would you be to your dreams if you actually felt comfortable saying them out loud, in plain English, to the people who could best help you make them happen?
Strip Off Your Fear: Radiate the Confidence Within was written exactly for this kind of situation. If you’re the type of person waiting for permission, hoping to be picked, and merely dropping hints about what you want, then this book is for you.
Your frustration comes from not speaking up. Once you learn to say what you want – what you really want – you’ll gain control over your life to get that promotion, take the vacation you want, carve out the time to get in shape, and pursue the passions you’ve been putting off too long.
Frustration and confidence are both within your control, but only one will help you achieve the life you crave. (Click to tweet this)
Click here to get your action plan to confidence in print ($9.99) or Kindle/Nook/iBook ($7.99). It worked for us, and it can certainly work for you.
About Betsy
Best question so far this year… “Are you being clear about what you want to the people in your life?”
Can’t get anything if you don’t open your mouth and ask.
Yes, Maria, but why do so many people keep it in their heads? There’s also the related phenomenon of telling people who are not in your life what you really want (the stranger on the train scenario) but neglecting to spell it out for your nearest and dearest. It sounds so illogical, but I remember living it myself!
Betsy I find this post very empathetic. You’re so good in trying to get others to see these actions (or inactions) and the cause/effect they have. Strangers on a Train is a great film and a perfect example. I think the characters were able to open up because of the fact that they were strangers and as such there is less chance of shame in the telling - similar to using the site, Post Secret.
However, as you mention in this post, I’ve also had people get frustrated with me and blurt out that I should have known something, that should have guessed or intuited something. Well I am damn smart but I have never mastered telepathy.
One can’t hold others accountable for one’s own inability to speak up.
If they can’t SPEAK, then write it down and email or at least text it but do something to get it out into the world to be addressed properly.
Hi, Maria. Thanks for the kind words. Part of resolving a problem is recognizing the symptoms and consequences of it in your own life. It always helps me to see the situation drawn out, so I try to do the same for others. I just had one revealed to me this past week and it’s been a lightbulb to help me see what behaviors were holding me back in an area of my life. I didn’t realize it until it was laid out in a picture for me.
(It’s good to have empathy for others because we all need a helping hand at some point.)
But there’s a big difference between empathy and ESP, as you so rightly point out. We can’t expect people to read our minds and give us what we want. We have to be confident enough to ask for it (speaking of which, we have a really great conversation with Chris Brogan in tomorrow’s podcast episode on the subject of bravery…he has some wisdom to share).
Thanks for a great conversation, Maria!
Best question so far this year… “Are you being clear about what you want to the people in your life?”
Can’t get anything if you don’t open your mouth and ask.
Yes, Maria, but why do so many people keep it in their heads? There’s also the related phenomenon of telling people who are not in your life what you really want (the stranger on the train scenario) but neglecting to spell it out for your nearest and dearest. It sounds so illogical, but I remember living it myself!
Betsy I find this post very empathetic. You’re so good in trying to get others to see these actions (or inactions) and the cause/effect they have. Strangers on a Train is a great film and a perfect example. I think the characters were able to open up because of the fact that they were strangers and as such there is less chance of shame in the telling - similar to using the site, Post Secret.
However, as you mention in this post, I’ve also had people get frustrated with me and blurt out that I should have known something, that should have guessed or intuited something. Well I am damn smart but I have never mastered telepathy.
One can’t hold others accountable for one’s own inability to speak up.
If they can’t SPEAK, then write it down and email or at least text it but do something to get it out into the world to be addressed properly.
Hi, Maria. Thanks for the kind words. Part of resolving a problem is recognizing the symptoms and consequences of it in your own life. It always helps me to see the situation drawn out, so I try to do the same for others. I just had one revealed to me this past week and it’s been a lightbulb to help me see what behaviors were holding me back in an area of my life. I didn’t realize it until it was laid out in a picture for me.
(It’s good to have empathy for others because we all need a helping hand at some point.)
But there’s a big difference between empathy and ESP, as you so rightly point out. We can’t expect people to read our minds and give us what we want. We have to be confident enough to ask for it (speaking of which, we have a really great conversation with Chris Brogan in tomorrow’s podcast episode on the subject of bravery…he has some wisdom to share).
Thanks for a great conversation, Maria!
I thought this was going to be a great post, only to read through it and see it was a book shill post.
Jay, you realize that as authors we sell books, right?
There are over 500 great posts available for free on this site any time you want plus a free weekly newsletter of original content. You never have to buy one of our books to be part of this community, but we’ll certainly not shy away from promoting them among the 90% of related content that is absolutely free.
Good point! You realize that now _really_ want to go out and buy your book, right?
Jay, the vast majority of people who want this book are not going to take part in a public discussion on the site. They want the deeper instruction and privacy that is available in a book, and that’s why we publish them. We write books for those people on a mission to streamline their over-cluttered lives, realize their long-held dreams, and learn to speak up about what’s important to them.
So please continue enjoying the content available every week on our site if it works for you. But be generous in allowing space for the large number of people who want and need more than you do and are less inclined to speak up about it.
I wish you well in your journey of personal growth.
I thought this was going to be a great post, only to read through it and see it was a book shill post.
Jay, you realize that as authors we sell books, right?
There are over 500 great posts available for free on this site any time you want plus a free weekly newsletter of original content. You never have to buy one of our books to be part of this community, but we’ll certainly not shy away from promoting them among the 90% of related content that is absolutely free.
Good point! You realize that now _really_ want to go out and buy your book, right?
Jay, the vast majority of people who want this book are not going to take part in a public discussion on the site. They want the deeper instruction and privacy that is available in a book, and that’s why we publish them. We write books for those people on a mission to streamline their over-cluttered lives, realize their long-held dreams, and learn to speak up about what’s important to them.
So please continue enjoying the content available every week on our site if it works for you. But be generous in allowing space for the large number of people who want and need more than you do and are less inclined to speak up about it.
I wish you well in your journey of personal growth.
I actually have to concur with Jay. I clicked through from facebook, read through once, then later thought, “What was their point again?” “What’s the answer?” Opened the post and reread only to discover it’s a, “You have to read the book to get a useful tidbit.” post. I own the book, and was still really looking forward to the missing paragraph that was supposed to go in the bottom 1/4 of this post.
Rebecca, since you own the book you know the answer isn’t short enough to put in a blog post.
I actually have to concur with Jay. I clicked through from facebook, read through once, then later thought, “What was their point again?” “What’s the answer?” Opened the post and reread only to discover it’s a, “You have to read the book to get a useful tidbit.” post. I own the book, and was still really looking forward to the missing paragraph that was supposed to go in the bottom 1/4 of this post.
Rebecca, since you own the book you know the answer isn’t short enough to put in a blog post.
I love this advice! I’ve started opening up more to my family and friends about what I really want out of life and it has been amazing how supportive they’ve been. I was so scared they would think I’m nuts, not sure why since they love me and want what’s best for me.
Maia, isn’t it strange how we always think people will judge us instead of accept us when they’ve given us no reason to think otherwise? Crazy but true for many people. I’m so happy for the supportive network you have created in your life!
I love this advice! I’ve started opening up more to my family and friends about what I really want out of life and it has been amazing how supportive they’ve been. I was so scared they would think I’m nuts, not sure why since they love me and want what’s best for me.
Maia, isn’t it strange how we always think people will judge us instead of accept us when they’ve given us no reason to think otherwise? Crazy but true for many people. I’m so happy for the supportive network you have created in your life!
Great post, Betsy! Speaking up used to be nearly traumatic for me. I was so scared that people would think me bold, selfish, rude, etc. Rather,I found, they like to know what I want, what I think - in general - and it has changed my perspective on the whole matter. I speak up now and get what I want. I am happier and more fun to be around. I am more pleasant. That’s gotta count for something;)
And selling a book in no way takes away from your excellent post.
Gracias, CJ. I like direct people as well, and I think most people do. It’s learning to be direct ourselves that’s so hard! All the evidence points to it being a better way, but emotionally it’s sometimes hard to make the leap. It was a long process for me, and that’s why I wrote the book.
Kudos to you and the lucky people who get to hang around you!
Thanks Betsy! And what a terrific way of working out an issue - write a book on it! I still struggle and make a lot of mistakes with making myself clear, but I am at it constantly. Your words are far too kind…
Great post, Betsy! Speaking up used to be nearly traumatic for me. I was so scared that people would think me bold, selfish, rude, etc. Rather,I found, they like to know what I want, what I think - in general - and it has changed my perspective on the whole matter. I speak up now and get what I want. I am happier and more fun to be around. I am more pleasant. That’s gotta count for something;)
And selling a book in no way takes away from your excellent post.
Gracias, CJ. I like direct people as well, and I think most people do. It’s learning to be direct ourselves that’s so hard! All the evidence points to it being a better way, but emotionally it’s sometimes hard to make the leap. It was a long process for me, and that’s why I wrote the book.
Kudos to you and the lucky people who get to hang around you!
Thanks Betsy! And what a terrific way of working out an issue - write a book on it! I still struggle and make a lot of mistakes with making myself clear, but I am at it constantly. Your words are far too kind…
Betsy, this post is so perfect for me right now. I have to admit that the answer to the question “are you being clear about what you want to the people in your life?” is “no” - because I’m not even being clear to myself! I have drifted back to the proverbial hamster wheel of work and frustration with no time for reflection or progress on life goals. To say I am frustrated is to put it mildly. I have finally earned a much-needed break, and at the top of the list is to reread your insightful book.
Thanks so much for your constant wisdom, insight, and support.
Angela, without analyzing what you really want, it would be difficult to speak it even on a regular schedule, much less a hamster wheel! There are some exercises in the book that will help you question the simple decisions in your daily life for practice so you can be better prepared to make the bigger decisions. Enjoy your break…I can’t wait to hear what comes from it!
Betsy, this post is so perfect for me right now. I have to admit that the answer to the question “are you being clear about what you want to the people in your life?” is “no” - because I’m not even being clear to myself! I have drifted back to the proverbial hamster wheel of work and frustration with no time for reflection or progress on life goals. To say I am frustrated is to put it mildly. I have finally earned a much-needed break, and at the top of the list is to reread your insightful book.
Thanks so much for your constant wisdom, insight, and support.
Angela, without analyzing what you really want, it would be difficult to speak it even on a regular schedule, much less a hamster wheel! There are some exercises in the book that will help you question the simple decisions in your daily life for practice so you can be better prepared to make the bigger decisions. Enjoy your break…I can’t wait to hear what comes from it!
Setting aside even 20 minutes a day contributes in a huge way toward our unrealized goals… Small steps!
Mike, we just recorded a podcast interview today with a disaster recovery expert, and she talked about the 10-minute scan of thinking about what you’d do in an emergency. She said that’s often enough to get you to safety/sanity quickly if something bad does happen. Now imagine the power of that focus if you double that effort like you do every day toward creating opportunities. Now THAT is magic. Great habit, Mike! Thanks for sharing.
Setting aside even 20 minutes a day contributes in a huge way toward our unrealized goals… Small steps!
Mike, we just recorded a podcast interview today with a disaster recovery expert, and she talked about the 10-minute scan of thinking about what you’d do in an emergency. She said that’s often enough to get you to safety/sanity quickly if something bad does happen. Now imagine the power of that focus if you double that effort like you do every day toward creating opportunities. Now THAT is magic. Great habit, Mike! Thanks for sharing.
I’m not as assertive about what I want out of life to myself or those closest to me. I wish I were. It certainly is easier to open up to people who do not know you because a) they provide a fresher perspective than those closest to you, b) they don’t know you so may even encourage you more then people closer to you since those closer to you who pinpoint you in one role may see you wanting a change and may feel threatened and would prefer you to stay in that role that you’re currently in, c) it’s hit or miss if people close to you support or reject your cause. Then again if those close to you don’t support you, would you want to be around them anyway?
Hi, Lori. You’ve just accomplished about 6 months of therapy in that one paragraph.
It is tough to be vocal about what you want if you’re out of practice. But the good news is that you can start easing your way into it with some pretty easy exercises, like erasing “I don’t know, what do YOU want?” from your vocabulary. It’s one thing I notice in lots of people who are fearful of saying what they really want - they adjust to the decisions of other rather than rock the boat. They don’t answer direct questions about everyday things.
It’s the little things, like where to go for lunch, what movie to see, and which cereal you’d rather buy at the grocery store, but it matters. And practicing on the small stuff will make the bigger stuff easier. Good luck to you!
Thanks for replying. Oy, vey, the inner work! I never thought about starting small with the little things. I guess I do go into consensus mode without even realizing it. It’s the people pleaser in me and I think there should be times when I need to be more definitive and be more like “yes, I want xyz” or “no, I don’t think that’s a good idea because…” - especially to those things that are important to me. Well, too without going on an offline subject, partly I think my life situation, going from single in the city to married with a kid and dog in a house in the suburbs kept me from taking the time to figure out who I am and what IS it that I really want as an individual. I’m still an individual person and kind of need to speak up and take that risk. Part of it is fear. My culture is kind of controlling too so they’re also very consensus based and don’t particularly value individuality. But yeah, that’s a big jump. We’ll start small like you said, like “I want chocolate ice cream today” or “I’m in the mood for Chipotle for dinner” and slowly build my assertive muscles to the harder stuff … seems like a good way to start… I’ll keep you posted
I’m not as assertive about what I want out of life to myself or those closest to me. I wish I were. It certainly is easier to open up to people who do not know you because a) they provide a fresher perspective than those closest to you, b) they don’t know you so may even encourage you more then people closer to you since those closer to you who pinpoint you in one role may see you wanting a change and may feel threatened and would prefer you to stay in that role that you’re currently in, c) it’s hit or miss if people close to you support or reject your cause. Then again if those close to you don’t support you, would you want to be around them anyway?
Hi, Lori. You’ve just accomplished about 6 months of therapy in that one paragraph.
It is tough to be vocal about what you want if you’re out of practice. But the good news is that you can start easing your way into it with some pretty easy exercises, like erasing “I don’t know, what do YOU want?” from your vocabulary. It’s one thing I notice in lots of people who are fearful of saying what they really want - they adjust to the decisions of other rather than rock the boat. They don’t answer direct questions about everyday things.
It’s the little things, like where to go for lunch, what movie to see, and which cereal you’d rather buy at the grocery store, but it matters. And practicing on the small stuff will make the bigger stuff easier. Good luck to you!
Thanks for replying. Oy, vey, the inner work! I never thought about starting small with the little things. I guess I do go into consensus mode without even realizing it. It’s the people pleaser in me and I think there should be times when I need to be more definitive and be more like “yes, I want xyz” or “no, I don’t think that’s a good idea because…” - especially to those things that are important to me. Well, too without going on an offline subject, partly I think my life situation, going from single in the city to married with a kid and dog in a house in the suburbs kept me from taking the time to figure out who I am and what IS it that I really want as an individual. I’m still an individual person and kind of need to speak up and take that risk. Part of it is fear. My culture is kind of controlling too so they’re also very consensus based and don’t particularly value individuality. But yeah, that’s a big jump. We’ll start small like you said, like “I want chocolate ice cream today” or “I’m in the mood for Chipotle for dinner” and slowly build my assertive muscles to the harder stuff … seems like a good way to start… I’ll keep you posted