Editor’s Note: This is the second in a series of essays about the voices in our heads. Click here to read the first entry, the bitchy little voice.
If the voices in our heads have personalities, then the uniform of the Drama Queen would be a vibrant orange jewelled muumuu, large glasses with smoky blue lenses and rhinestones on the stems, mounds of hair piled on top of her head, and high-heeled maribou slippers on her feet.
The Drama Queen glides rather than walks, speaks with dramatic pauses, and her long painted fingernails are never without large cocktail rings and a menthol cigarette burning at the end of a long gold holder. She is the center of attention, a force to be reckoned with.
In fact, you could say The Drama Queen was the alter ego of Auntie Mame, still eccentric and fabulous, but with a decidedly negative slant. Or maybe The Bloggess on a really bad day when talking to a mortal enemy. You listen to this voice because the style and delivery are hard to ignore.
The opening act
Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical. I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary, just a mileage checkup. Since we’re traveling I do not have access to my regular doctor and instead went to one highly recommended by my new expat friends here in Thailand. Let me stress again, I had no fear going into this appointment. It was just one of those self-maintenance things you have to do, like getting a pedicure when your feet start resembling those of an elephant.
I was shown into her office and her first words to me were: “Are your eyes always that big, or is this new?”
Blink.
At first I thought this might be some cultural misunderstanding, like the time the lady at the clothing store here told me I had to pay more for “jumbo sizes.” She wasn’t being insulting, just letting me know that Western-sized clothes cost more because they use more material than Thai-sized clothing. Or at least that is how Warren explained it to me as he hurried me away from the store.
The doctor went on to explain to me that this combined with some of my answers to her questions were signs of a possible medical condition we should check with a blood test. Like it was no big deal.
Drama queen, enter stage right
There’s no telling what kind of notations were going on in my chart: “Manic, bug-eyed Caucasian woman in jumbo clothes presents to the clinic for…” I tried not to act weird, but since I’m me, I couldn’t help it.
Blood tests were drawn, and I started walking back to the guesthouse.
This is when the drama queen really started her monologue
“You thought you were doing so well to lose those 30 pounds, but it looks like the credit for shrinking your ass goes to disease. Nice of you to try to steal the glory. Stupid of you to give up Diet Cokes on January 1, too, because you are going to need them when the weight starts piling back on…if they can cure the disease, that is.”
Increasingly dramatic thoughts about my potential disease flooded my thoughts. Halfway back The Drama Queen started getting really morbid:
“If you do die, what will Warren do? Will he cremate you here in Thailand and ship you back to the States, or will he carry you with him in his backpack as he continues traveling around the world? Will you have to sit there in the urn and listen to him having sex with other people? Of course you can’t really deny him pleasure and companionship for the rest of his life, can you? But seriously, there needs to a timeframe of mourning or that’s just gonna look bad for you.”
By the time I reached our street I had mentally written my obituary from the invasion of horrible disease I knew the blood test would find. I had a checklist of things to talk about with Warren regarding dying on the road if I could find a casual way to bring it up in conversation. It would probably go something like this:
Me: “So, if I die I just want you to know it’s fine for you to have sex with other people as soon as you are ready. Though I don’t expect you to enjoy it. Can you pass the hot sauce?”
Warren: (silence)
I arrived back at the guesthouse sweaty, a little light-headed from lack of food and giving blood, and with a shitstorm of panic raging behind my bulging eyes.
Drama queen, exit stage right
The next morning I woke up to find an email from my doctor.
Oh, no. This could not be good. I knew from experience that if the doctor contacts you right away it must be terrible news. I looked into the mirror that hangs over my desk at my bulging eyes and prepared for the worst.
“Dear Khun Betsy,
Please find attached.
Overall results are very good…”
Huh? What? Just like she dropped the quiet bomb of possible disease the day before, she stated my lab results like she was commenting on the weather. Everything was normal. Blue skies.
Normal.
NORMAL.
It was at this point that the voice went quiet. The Drama Queen sashayed off stage, calling for her assistant to bring her a martini while she touched up her makeup and lounged before the next performance.
I could tell you right now that my doctor led me on to think this was as bad as I made it out to be, but that would be a lie. I steamrolled over her gentle probing to create a drama where there was none. With this kind of talent I should be scripting reality television shows.
Instead of just waiting for the results before reacting, I spent valuable energy and time mentally composing my obituary (which, by the way, was heartfelt and witty, and would have had people laughing through their tears in remembrance of me). This was 10 steps beyond normal and a total cave-in to the voice of fear.
How does the voice of the drama queen work in your life?
- That little ache is probably the first sign of inoperable cancer.
- If this doesn’t succeed, you can kiss your career goodbye.
- He didn’t answer his phone so he’s obviously cheating.
How do you send the Drama Queen back to her dressing room?
Very much like we banished the Bitchy Little Voice:
- Change the messenger. Instead of a negative Auntie Mame, try to imagine Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island telling you those things. Can’t take it seriously can you?
- Tone does not equal authority, and you get a very different vibe hearing Rocket Man performed by William Shatner than you do by Elton John. Try your message in a less dramatic tone and see how differently you respond to it. (This could be the first time in history that Elton John has been out drama queen’d.)
- Evaluate your statements. Scientists call the voice of the Drama Queen “distorted thinking,” and this article shows 10 ways these fear statements play out plus strategies for countering them. Drama Queen, you’re on notice. We’ve got your number (specifically, #5).
Your Drama Queen is telling you to calm the voices in your head by liking our Facebook page. On this occasion, she’s right.
About Betsy
Betsy:
I don’t suppose you intended this to be a funny post, but I have to admit I laughed. Mostly because I hear about this sort of thing a lot, although I don’t experience it much myself.
I realized long ago that life is a crap shoot and one can only do one’s best. Everything in moderation, etc., and screw being afraid of things you can’t control.
Being afraid of things you can’t control is a total waste of psychic energy, may actually make you sick, and I’ve long since stopped doing so. You can’t control adrenaline reactions, but you can control the drama queen reaction. And the more you do it the easier it becomes.
A great example is flying. Hundreds of times safer than driving, but people are afraid once they are ON the plane, which makes no sense. I recall flying with a girlfriend who found bumps and jars on the plane frightening and would grab my arm painfully when it happened. After the second time on the same flight I had a talk with her that went something like this: “What is the worst thing that can happen here? The plane will break apart and we’ll all be dead in 10 minutes. What can we do about it? Nothing! Since we can’t do anything, and if the worst thing happens it’ll be 10 minutes of adrenaline rush and then a painless death, just read your book and ignore the bumps. Think about where we’re going and what we’ll do then. Whatever is going to happen on this plane is going to happen and we can’t do a damned thing about it.”. She looked at me like I was from another planet for having thought it through to the “and then you die” point but it actually seemed to calm her down over the next years of flights here and there.
Another example, more in tune with your medical example, is the OMG you’re 50 and now we need to shove a camera up your butt and see how your colon is doing!! I’ve already determined that as a long-term semi-vegetarian and total vegan for the last 3.5 years my risk for colon cancer (and other cancers, for that matter) is minimal. And more to the point, having watched an assortment of people endure the torture that masquerades as cancer treatment these days, and die anyway, I’ve decided that I’m not ever going down that path. And thus no camera where the sun doesn’t shine, no getting all ramped up and afraid by the medical industry and no worrying. While acknowledging that I’m a touch unusual, my doctor finds this a fascinating worldview.
So.. in summary. Attend to the things you can change, be aware of the things you can’t and don’t worry about any of it.
And for your readers who think I’m nuts for my view of the medical system, I present you this article:
http://zocalopublicsquare.org/thepublicsquare/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/read/nexus/
You are more evolved than most of us, Rob. Irrational fears don’t often respond to logic because they are…irrational. It takes learning to step away from them, modify their voices, etc., to be able to see the facts clearly. Until you get there, you just can’t see the logic. I’m betting your ex-girlfriend replaced her fear with a little bit of anger toward you for bringing logic into the situation (which worked!).
No. I don’t think it has anything to do with being more evolved - I truly think it’s just a matter of having thought situations through and deciding whether they are worthy of fear.
I’m sure I was bothered by airplane turbulence when I was younger, but I just decided not to worry. And we’re programmed from a young age to allow the medical profession to have their way with our bodies. But it’s important to realize that while some doctors actually want the best for you, the bigger-picture system is all about taking your money. If you decide in advance what you’re willing to accept (including dying of cancer rather than being tortured to death by the health care industry) then the fear goes away. It really does.
I’m sure the ex-gf was mildly annoyed at me for making her confront her fear - obviously the conversation was more gentle than the bare bones I gave up above - but she really did get over her fears and quite quickly. Of all the things I did that she ever dragged when she was annoyed about over the next couple of years, that wasn’t one of them
Truly, a little self-training can go a long way. Recognizing that you’re afraid is step #1. Then determining what it is that is causing the fear is next, and then deciding if being afraid makes any sense would come next. Then comes reading your book after you’ve let go.
Fear can be an excellent tool - it is, after all, one of the reasons we as a species survived and evolved. But now that we’re Homo SAPIENS, it’s our turn to control it.
I think I used this quote in a previous discussion of fear, either with you or with someone else. It just occurred to me to wonder if thinking about this in my early 20s is where my fear attitude derives. From “Dune” by Frank Herbert:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Rob, I’d say that quote probably was instrumental in your thinking about fear. I spent my 20s scared to really break out and be me, so afraid of everything and what the world would think. 20 years later, I can hardly believe my naivete. I should have been reading Dune, too.
This is also a great example of what a powerful quote or message can do for you. I don’t like trotting out quotes all the time, but I do have 5 or 6 really powerful ones that have stayed with me and shaped who I am. That’s probably something we should explore more in a future post or series.
Hilarious! And so true. We often spin ourselves into a frenzy for no reason at all. Thanks for sharing this one….
I had to laugh when I read this, because I too gave up Diet Coke on January 1st (and I lost a lot of weight in 2010). I keep hoping that eventually I’ll stop missing it.
I’m liking your voices in your head series.
Hi, Dorie. I’m glad you like the series. So far giving up the Diet Coke has been okay. I replaced it with ginger tea, so I still get a little bit of the “bite” that comes with soda. Good luck on your withdrawal!
Bwahahaha!
Now I see WHY you’re writing about FEAR.
Repeat after me . . . Normal. NORMAL.
Let it be!
I do have drama queen tendencies, nrhatch. Part of my charm, I guess.
Uh…. I didn’t give up diet coke as a New Year’s resolution …. Because I never started drinking it! How can you guys drink that swill? Yuck! lol! Somehow I think that might be missing the point of this article.
Really excellent post. I call these our “tall-tales” because if these stories weren’t fueled by our fears, insecurities and egos (all in the guise of the Drama Queen), we sit back and laugh at how ridiculous they are! Honestly some of this crap we make up and lose sleep over are as improbable as a giant lumber-jack with a blue of for a pet.
Tranque, I know! Diet Coke is evil, and I have given it up. (and Paul Bunyon isn’t real?)
Years ago I read an article in the LA News and Review about how women in 3rd world countries were using colas as “post-coital douches” to prevent pregnancies. It went on to say that upon hearing about this, some medical researchers decided to do some tests to see the impact of Coke on sperm. Sure enough, it did terminate the lil’ swimmers. Then they got creative and tested diet coke which-as I totally suspected it would-wiped-out everything organic in its path!
So they finally the article suggested a new marketing slogan for Coca-cola: “Diet Coke. Kills millions of sperm cells and tastes great too!”
I’ve never been tempted to try to learn to get past that nasty “diet” after-taste ever since.
This argument would never work on me, Tranque. I don’t give a damn about prolonging the life of any sperm that comes near my body!
(Update: Day 11 and I’m still without Diet Coke.)
I know that I’ve been guilty a couple of times in my life of being a DQ haha.
I really enjoyed this! Drama Queen visits me every once in a while and I never enjoy her. Next time I’ll think of this post. Thank you!
I’ll be interested to see what voice and tone you give her to make her more entertaining next time, horsebaby28!
Well firstly I’m glad you are okay, but you had me rolling with laughter! I do exactly the same thing - if my husband is more than 10 minutes later home than I think he should be, the drama queen takes over and I have him dead and buried and the funeral outfit planned! I’m SUCH a worrier and that just makes me take things (in my own head) to ridiculous levels! So obviously I’m not alone in my DQ tendencies
You know, I went a little overboard with this post to make a point, but I think it is clear that most of us have this tendency at least to a small degree or on one subject. Your poor husband is probably not happy to know you’ve got his funeral planned, Judy!
Rofl - I miss the drama queen!!
Karen, I knew if ANYONE would understand my drama queen tendencies it would be you. I only wish you were here in person to hear the story (I’m MUCH more expressive in real life and with a drink in hand, you know.)
What a coincidence I read this today..I was just recommended to get a workbook on dealing with anxieties because I’ve been having alot of them recently (maybe too much time on my hands). Apparently we can feel ‘the worst’ might happen because an event often triggers a memory of ‘a worst’ actually happening to us (in my case, a friend never forgiving me, which left me devastated). When someone became upset with me, I feared ‘the worst’. I’m learning to deal with that now. Not easy, but part of my ‘toolbox’ of coping techniques. BTW, Rob’s post reminded me of a quote..”there are two emotions on a plane…boredom or fear”
Also BTW…are you guys still doing the monthly budget expense totals? Can’t seem to find the one for Dec/11 on your site (maybe I missed the link?). I really liked reading them. Thanks!
Hi, Joanna. I do think our minds can motivate us the greatest heights or keep us as the lowest lows. Memories are what happened in the past, and it is hard to bypass that wiring when we are faced with a similar scenario in the present. Tranque talks about these a lot - the “stories” we tell ourselves. But when we can step back from our fear and just look at the facts, we can often see that the worst rarely happens.
I’ve had a similar scenario with falling on big rocks ever since a painful slip in South America. We encounter these a lot in our travels, and it is only through repeated exposure to this without a fall that I can see it won’t happen every time I encounter them. Logically I know this, but the memory of the painful fall doesn’t understand logic and need repeated conditioning to get over it. I’m glad you are working on this issue, Joanna. It takes time, but when you do you’ll feel so much freer to enjoy your life.
The expense totals are now all on the RTW Expenses website.
Absolutely hilarious!!! Even after our weight loss…I still am jumbo here in China and I am only 4’11” you think that might help! They still pull out the XX sizes just to make sure I don’t drink another coke today or add that extra spoon of sugar in my coffee.
I also seem to dramatize any situation and have every response and scenario figured out in my head before it ever happens. I will say that there have been a few (very few) times in my life that this has come to my advantage. I have the right comeback and have been able to turn the tables a bit…because I already had this ending covered. I will say that it isn’t a lot of fun to be worried about all of that and need to give it up!
BTW.. I also have bug eye syndrome. It is a good thing.
I love Auntie Mame which may be why I am such a drama queen. Well, that and I got a BFA degree to prove I’m a darn good drama queen.
I have gotten better at curtailing my drama queen except in the area of medical issues. I’m pretty sure I’m a hangnail away from death.
Oh, and after the Jumbo remark on the inside I would have wanted to beat her but on the outside I would have left in tears. So maybe I not better at curtailing my drama queen.