Okay, no one wants to have awkward or tough conversations.
- No, I don’t want to come to your party.
- I can’t really afford to do that.
- I’m not including you in my plans this time.
- I think you are wrong.
- Your behavior is embarrassing / offensive / socially unacceptable
But if you are the type of person who uses fake emergencies, text messages about traffic, or artful disappearing acts to manage these situations, we’ve got an easier strategy for you, and one that will reduce the number of awkward encounters in your life:
HONESTY.
Yes, it’s radical. Yes, it can be awkward. But today’s video has a few tips on making it easier to navigate these situations and stop them from ruining your relationships and your reputation.
Got an awkward social situation you want to share or a tip to manage these interactions better? Let’s discuss in the comments.
Is it hard for you to say what’s on your mind? It was for me for a long time, and when I finally learned to speak up it changed my life. Find out how you can go from people pleaser to straight shooter by clicking here.
About Betsy
What if you are at a juncture where you don’t have the energy for the layers of friction (can of worms, you pick a metaphor) that will be peeled off when you start doing this within *every* relationship? Some relationships aren’t worth the effort, would you agree? If you don’t want to participate and you know it will just start an argument or create tension to address why…why bother? When you provide an excuse, repeatedly, doesn’t that send a message? Let the relationship run its course.
I read a quote recently that said: ‘all truth is good but all truth is not good to say.’ I can appreciate that thought. And I can certainly ‘live my truth’ without ballooning ‘it’ on every other dysfunctional situation/person I may irregularly encounter within my life. (neighbor, relative, colleague, not close friend, etc.). Sure, work through the issues with the ones that really matter. But otherwise…bite me!
Or maybe I am still grieving the loss of a precious loved one…and just don’t care about the other relationships. They all pale in comparison anyway. Sigh.
Yeah, my dream is to travel. I definitely need to go.
Hi, LJ. I’m so sorry for the loss of your loved one. It sounds as if you are hurting quite a bit.
I’m not an advocate of saying everything that’s in your head (that can be cruel sometimes), but being honest with other people when asked is less of a can of worms than not. You don’t have to pretend, remember your white lies, or otherwise put in effort in either sustaining a relationship that isn’t working OR sustaining an untruth in a relationship you overall want to keep.
Both of them rob you of energy that can be better expended on strengthening your important relationships.
Nice topic and post guys, I find myself at times in simular situations , or at least the kind that involve the gossip of others, and thats tough for me to deal with, its like knowing both sides of the story and getting hurt twice , especially when i enjoy spending time with both people.
Hi, Fred. Gossip divides social groups. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that people who like to gossip do not typically have a filter. That means as often as you’ve enjoyed hearing their stories, other people have had the pleasure of hearing their stories about you. Gossips don’t discriminate - they eventually get around to everyone!
What gets me in trouble, I’ve noticed, is when I say no and provide a practical reason instead of a personal one. Unfortunately, practical reasons invite problem-solving. I might say “Not tonight because I’m beat and not up to dealing with the traffic to your place,” and they come back with an alternate route that’s less congested. Or, “This isn’t a good weekend for you to visit because the house is a mess and I don’t have time to clean,” and get assurances that they don’t care how messy/dirty it is. My “reasons” are true, but not really not the point, which is probably that I’m too tired to enjoy their or anyone’s company.
Hi, Ann. People do love to problem solve, don’t they!?
The solution here is to stop giving reasons.
“Not tonight.”
“This isn’t a good weekend.”
It’s still honest, and you only have to repeat it a couple of times when people give you pushback for them to get the message that it isn’t up for discussion. “I’ll catch you next time” is a good follow up to show no hard feelings (if you feel that way). Then you can go home and relax guilt-free.
Then there’s the, I don’t want to come to your party because I don’t want to spend time with you or your friends, but I really don’t want to be a jerk and actually say that. Would love to just end this conversation and this relationship, but I can’t without being the mean, stuck up wench in the room. Honesty? LOL
Dixie, why do you want to socialize with someone you don’t even like? Or care that they think you’re mean and stuck up when you already don’t want to have a relationship with them?
You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself by making yourself hang out with jerks so you won’t seem like a jerk.
Would love to hear an example of how she could respond. I can relate to how she feels.
Hi, LJ and Dixie. How about:
“Thanks for the invitation. I know you’re going to have a great time, but I’m going to have to decline. I just don’t feel like I fit in with your friends very well, and it’s a pretty safe bet they feel the same way about me. Maybe it’s time to just admit we don’t gel very well. ”
You could also cite an example before the last sentence that shows why you don’t fit, though you don’t have to: “I’m always in bed by 10, and I know that’s usually when your parties are just getting started.” (This is actually what I have said to dozens of invitations to go out over the past few years. I let them know I’m solidly a “happy hour” person and sociable until about 9 p.m. After that, all bets are off and I’m likely going home.)
Good thoughts, especially when the situation is apt to arise again with people we really do care about. People won’t always appreciate our honesty, but I rarely use that as an excuse to be “dishonest” just to avoid a bit of awkwardness.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss
A good reminder, nrhatch! We recently had to bail on a long-anticipated meetup in a new city with good friends who were traveling there, and instead of making up an excuse to hide the uncomfortable reason (which we easily could have but would have seemed kinda jerky), we were honest. And they said they appreciated knowing we were close enough to share our “real” reason.
Oh this is soooo good for me. I am the queen of excuses and I am so good at them (read use so much energy on them), I think I would make a good spy! I have so much to learn about myself, but I have definately taken the first step on the scary journey. Thanks for the responses, I need my hand held in situations like this.x
Melanie, you may not realize it, but you share my dream life of being a spy! I’ll do the daring escapes if you’ll lie us out of tricky situations.
In all seriousness, though, maybe you can try analyzing your past excuses to see what the trends are. If you know you’re always bailing out of situations due to tiredness or lack of funds or because you don’t like the people involved, you can start practicing more honest responses now in front of a mirror or recorded on your cell phone.
Good luck!
This is a great topic, and something that everyone can and should work on. I think that every wants to have the honest conversation, but we have been taught to be polite so we don’t hurt people’s feelings. Being honest takes a level of self-comfort that takes a lot of time to get to, or at least it has taken me a long time to get used to and I still don’t have honest conversations with many people.
Hi, Brian. You nailed it with your wise assessment on self-comfort. It isn’t until we’re comfortable saying who we are and what we want that we can be honest with other people. I spent years being dishonest with myself, so it’s no wonder that I hid my dreams and emotions from other people. We are on a similar path in seeking out more honest interactions in this world, Brian.