No matter what kind of change you make in your life, someone is going to be negative.
We’ve heard it all as we’ve prepared for our round-the-world trip:
- How can you leave your mother? (Our moms live 2000 miles away from us now.)
- It seems really irresponsible to just take off like that. (Those of you who’ve been reading the blog for a while know how “irresponsible” we’ve been about planning this trip.)
- You must be rich. (As if saving and budgeting is a radical new concept that only we know about.)
We’ve worked really hard over the last few years to surround ourselves with positive, goal-oriented people. Sometimes I get so used to being around this good energy that a bad vibe from someone outside my circle can really knock me back. This happened recently, and I had to relearn how to deal with negative comments and my own insecurities.
Starting something new
As most of you know, I’ve been training for a half-marathon as part of my “bucket list” of activities to do before we leave Seattle. It has been a tough process, and I’m now less than 2 weeks until the race. Throughout these months of training I’ve continued to have the same worry:
What if people make fun of me for not being a “real” runner?
This is an insecurity I’ve had since I started the “Couch to 5K” program last fall. I couldn’t even run 60 seconds at a time without gasping for breath, and I had serious doubts that I would ever be able to run a mile, much less a half-marathon. Even deeper than the lack of fitness was my insecurity over how I looked compared to all the other runners. I have never been athletic, and on my best day I could be described as curvy.
Over the past 8 months I’ve made significant progress, and in less than 2 weeks I’ll be running the Seattle Rock-N-Roll Half-Marathon. I’m confident that I’ll run those 13.1 miles, and I’m even getting a little ambitious over the time it will take to finish.
But still the insecurities remain.
Last Saturday I went running in a beautiful spot on a sunny day. Normally I wear a special running shirt that wicks the sweat away and make me look like all the other other runners, but I didn’t get my laundry done and had to run in an old Patriots t-shirt. Near the start of the run a woman running toward me said to her friend: “See that? *Not* a runner.” This is exactly the kind of comment I’ve been dreading these past 8 months, though I really thought most people would just think it and not say it. All this time I’ve been looking for judgement in their eyes and this woman made it so convenient by actually saying it out loud!
At first I was really taken aback and felt the tears sting my eyes (I mean, I heard it over my iPod while playing Eminen, so she didn’t exactly whisper it). And then I tried to justify it by saying that I wasn’t dressed appropriately and blah, blah, blah - making excuses for why a stranger would make a rude comment like that!
If we work this comment out it really doesn’t take long to neutralize it. By the sheer act of running at that moment I am a runner. By training 4-5 days a week for months at a time, I am a runner. By sticking to a regimen that predicts I will be able to finish the half-marathon, I am a runner. Even if I don’t make it across the finish line, I am still a runner BECAUSE I RUN. There is nothing anyone can say to change that unless I let it change my opinion of myself and stop running.
My reptile brain would also like to add “oh, and my breasts won’t sag because I’m wearing the proper support, you bouncy bitch.” (Yes, it helps to give a little internal attitude when you’re struggling with negativity!)
Neutralizing negative comments
Do you find yourself paralyzed by the fear of negative comments? There are 3 steps that I use to work through this that may help you, too.
- Realize that your insecurity is what gives negative comments power. For instance, if someone told me they didn’t like my hair, it wouldn’t bother me much. We all have different styles, and I change my hair frequently. It is not a point of insecurity for me, so negative comments slide off pretty easily. Running, on the other hand, is a real sore spot because it is so far out of my comfort zone.
- Let your imagination run wild. Think of the worst things someone could say to you about your new decision. Go crazy with it! The more outrageous you make your scenario, the easier it will be to see how ridiculous it is to fret. I worried for months about someone making negative comments about my athletic ability, and when it actually happened I got over it before I finished my run. Think of all the time I could have spent in a more productive way.
- Turn the mirror around. In my case, the other runner was wearing makeup, had on a perfectly matched outfit (without a jog bra!), and wasn’t even sweating. It’s obvious that appearance is important to her. Why should I make that my issue? She could be an Olympic sprinter or a total jerk, but either way her comments say more about her belief system than mine. I’ve got too much work to do on myself to worry about everyone else’s insecurities. When you turn the mirror around you’ll see the comments for what they really are, which is rarely about you.
Remember that you don’t make big changes in your life for other people’s approval. By the same token, other people’s negative reactions shouldn’t cause you to stop making positive changes in your life (or to never start at all).
How do you handle negative comments when you’re working on a big change in your life?
About Betsy
Wow, can’t believe some people can be so rude! I could feel your pain in the article - but I’m so proud of you for turning that around into a positive! YOU ARE A RUNNER and we are quite impressed with all that you’ve accomplished.
Remember, “F*** You, I’m Fabulous!”
For those who don’t know, the “Fuck you, I’m fabulous!” comment is a line in a book we discussed at book club. It has become sort of a mantra for some of us (it was spoken by an 11-year-old girl trying to find her way in a difficult situation).
Thank you for reminding me, Karen. That should have been my first thought.
(The book is The Lollipop Shoes by Joanne Harris and it is the sequel to Chocolat.)
Every day I am with you I am more impressed and inspired by the person you are and the person I have become because of you. Thank you for sharing yourself with others so they can get that benefit as well.
We make a pretty good team, Mr. Talbot.
Exactly right, Betsy, it’s very likely that THEIR insecurity is what made them say the negative comment in the first place. It’s so hard to process negativity, but it’s gotten a lot easier for me to see that a lot of those snarky and hateful comments come from folks who have issues with themselves. That doesn’t make it sting any less, but I can at least think to myself, “I feel sorry for that person. His/Her life must suck, if what I’m doing prompted that kind of a response.”
I also have a saying that keeps me on track: Don’t dwell. If I catch myself getting caught up in negativity, I’ll recite that to myself, and it reminds me that dwelling on it won’t get me anywhere. Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and tomorrow, I won’t give a crap about what that person had to say.
You keep running, girl!
You are such an amazing inspiration to a lot of people Betsy, including myself. Screw the Lululemon wannabe bimbo. You are an amazing and beautiful person. Keep up the great work. I will send many positive vibes your way for your half-marathon.
Amber and Corey, thank you for the support. I was really embarrassed to share the story, but I’m so glad I did.
This is one of the best articles you have written! By the way, I will come to Seattle and stomp some butt if you would like for me to take care of the woman making negative comments about my Baby Girl!
As you know I have recently reached my goal at Weight Watchers. I heard that a “friend” said that I had lost way too much weight and that I looked bad. Now mind you I still weigh 170 pounds so that is hardly skinny by any means. This “friend” has put on weight recently so maybe that is where the comment came from. When I heard it, I just considered the source and moved on. I lost weight so I could be healthier and feel better - not to be a source of gossip around the water cooler. Making any positive change needs to be met with encouragement and support. I agree that you need to surround yourself with family and friends that will give that to you.
I love it when my sweet Mamacita weighs in on the blog! You have a great perspective on this after losing so much weight, mom. Not everyone will be happy with the positive changes we make in our lives, and you’re right that it is their issue and not ours.
(Reader note: My mom never cusses and rarely says a word like “butt” so I know she got a little worked up over this! Nice to know I have her in my corner.)
I just love it that your mom made a comment, and a kick-ass one at that. I can see that having Mamacita in your corner really let you spread your wings and “live large.”
oh Betsy, this is so true and something I see/hear so often in the health and fitness world (not to mention my own upbringing!) I wish you all the best on the run and know you will kick…up dust?! (how about a t-shirt that says on the back: “this is for all the skinny bitches who don’t sweat!”
With your permission, I’d like to talk about and reprint part of this entry on my blog and link people back to your article. Let me know…
Hi, Reema. Thanks for your support. You are more than welcome to reprint with attribution.
Good for you Betsy- my sister in law, also not a runner, will be RUNNING the same 1/2 marathon as you and she also has inspired me - not to run- but to move outside my comfort zone and just try something different.
We had a lot of positive feedback before our RTW but even many close friends and family really didn’t “get it” because they just could not conceptualize why we would want to quit perfectly good jobs and sell our lovely home to go take chicken buses around third world countries. That is ok, we don’t expect everyone to want to travel the way we do, but we certainly wish people (and let’s be honest - americans are about the worst of the bunch) were a bit more willing to step aside from those things expected of us by family and society.. have a good job, have children, own a home, retire and THEN maybe travel. It’s great that there is now a big enough network of we like minded individuals out there now to help share the positive experiences of moving beyond the norm! You go girl!
Rhonda, good luck to your sister on her race, and she must feel really awesome to have inspired you to do something outside your comfort zone. I can’t think of a higher compliment.
My Facebook pal Suzette Sommer just told me her general operating principle:
“Your approval is very nice to have, but it is completely unnecessary to my happiness.”
I think I’m going to use that in a lot of situations!
One of my favorite authors, Frederica Mathewes-Green, wrote about negative ideas (works for comments, too): “Birds fly overhead; you don’t have to let them nest in your hair”. Not only is it to the point, but the image cracks me up and provides needed perspective.
Funny that you talk about them nesting in your hair…I went directly to the visual of them pooping on my head! Thanks for sharing such a great way of dealing with negativity. It is out there and we can’t insulate ourselves from it - must learn to deal with it and move on.
Hi! I just found your blog and I have to say that I am so excited!! Last year my husband and I put our old lives aside (we were CPAs doing business appraisals) to launch a website to make it easy for people to travel with their pets. One day, a few months before we launched, he looked at me and said, “Amy, we cannot sit in our office and tell people how easy it is to travel with their pets. We’re going to have to walk the walk.” Clearly he was right - so we sold our house, bought a Winnebago and since the middle of March we’ve been traveling full-time with our dogs. (Of course it wasn’t quite that easy, but you get the picture). As we visit different places we do research for the website and write a blog about our adventures. I’m looking forward to connecting and following your posts.
What a great site, Amy! You’ll have to check out http://www.dogjaunt.com, a local Seattle blog about traveling with small dogs. You guys should probably know each other.
I love what you are doing and can’t wait to find out more.
Hey, dogjaunt.com is my friend Mary Alice’s site. Yay!
Hey, that’s me! Thanks so much for the shout-out, Betsy, and for this post — we’ve all had moments like that, and your talking it through is so helpful and encouraging. (Amy and Rod and I are friends and colleagues, by the way — I envy their Winnebago, and they envy Chloe’s portability.) And hi, Leslie!
Well, my immediate thought in response to the “not a runner” comment was, “not well-mannered.” Of course, saying it to her face would’ve made me ill-mannered, so.. anyway. You run, so you’re a runner.
People can be so silly.
I very much enjoy your blog! My husband and I are just planning for our deferred little two-week honeymoon to Japan and still struggle with budgeting, but reading about your grand plans is an inspiration.
Ooh, Japan. That sounds amazing. My friend Cindy lived there for 3 years and loved it. You are going to have a fantastic time - please let us know when you get back what you enjoyed most (besides the honeymoon part, that is).
Hey Betsy-you know what? I’m ‘not’ a triathlete, yet I’ve done over 20 of them. But you and I can become what we strive for…I’m not sure that it’s possible for adults to train themselves out of “not polite”.
Go you! I did my first 1/2 marathon in 2007. I’m no runner, it ain’t pretty, but dang it feels good to cross that finish line.
Bon voyage!
Anon
Shelly Rae, my mantra this week is “you are what you do.” And if you’ve done over 20 triathlons, you are a triathlete! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You sound just like the practical, straightforward kinda gal I like.
I love the comment your husband left!
My husband and I just returned home from traveling for a length of time that is considered outside the “norm” by our society.
We’ve been given many labels and have discovered that those living a life they love have uplifting supportive things to say and those that are frustrated with their lives make the sarcastic negative comments. It’s interesting. We don’t really care because with or without their approval, we continue to live our lives the way we like and have fun doing it!!
You two are going to have a blast and your lives are going to be changed for ever…in many wonderful ways!!
Kate, you are so smart to realize those comments are more about the people making them than they are about you. And you are the one who had the fabulous adventure with your husband, so there’s not a lot people can say to diminish that.
What an exciting adventure, I love going to see different places and I am leaving the rat race myself. DH and I are having time out, I suppose maybe we are going to semi retire, who knows lets see what happens. Do you have a plan of what you will do after travelling? I note you speak of returning to seattle, will you have have to start over again financially speaking once the money has run out? I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.
Pam had a great question regarding what your plans are for when the trip is over - I’d love to hear more about that also! While my husband and I would love to do more traveling now, rather than feeling as if we’re waiting for retirement (when we may not even be able to enjoy it), unfortunately, in order to live well in retirement (we’re not going to have kids to take care of us - haha), we need to save and even taking a year off could really affect our ability to do that. It would be great to hear your thoughts since we’re around the same age and it seems that most people who decide to take time to travel are in their 20′s and have either barely been in the work force or haven’t worked at all, so doesn’t make it as financially risky.
This is a wonderful introduction to a post we have been teeing up on this subject. This is possibly the #1 question we receive when we tell people about our plans to travel for so long. I am delighted you all are interested and look for a detailed post on our thoughts in the next 2 weeks.
Warren and I have been talking about addressing this topic specifically. We have money set aside for re-entry, but in the bigger scheme of things I think that re-imagining how your life looks now also impacts the way your retirement looks. We’ll go into that in a lot more detail in the coming weeks, and I hope you’ll come back for the discussion.
My husband & I are in our 40′s too and we took our RTW for 13mths in 2007-2008..and are hooked and currently planning our next extended adventure in the next couple of years.
We did put aside money for re-entry, however came home to the worst US economy since the great depression and it wasn’t much fun.
But, now back working full time, purchased a house (at a bargain) again and in 4-5years will sell it all and take off again, hopefully for longer next time. One year is really not long at all in the grand scheme of things and you still, unfortunately!, have years of work and retirement savings ahead of you.
We don’t worry too much about retirement because we keep slowing plugging away at it but also because we’re quite certain we’ll retire in Mexico or Central America or Thailand or somewhere that has a very low cost of living but good access to medical facilities. I guess it all depends on what you’re wanting in your late years.. we have no children, our parents will all be gone by then and siblings can visit so we’re just fine not retiring in the expensive US.
I can’t believe someone had the nerve to make that comment! If you’re out running, regardless of appearance, clothing, speed, etc, YOU’RE A RUNNER!!! Period. I don’t know why people feel the need to make snarky comments about people who are trying to better themselves. Your analysis of the encounter is great - don’t let it get to you! I’ve recently taken up biking and I’m sure the other “hard-core” bikers are looking at me in the same way. My idea is to use biking as a means for transportation, not just dressing in spandex and riding recreationally, which is what I see most often in our area. I’m out there on what I call my “granny bike” in my everyday clothes, riding VERY slowly, enjoying the scenery while the “real” bikers zip past. I’m sure they are saying to themselves “NOT a biker” - haha
On another note, I just recently found your blog and think it’s great how you have taken such a practical approach with planning your trip! My husband and I are also childfree and hope to travel much more in the future. Not necessarily on the same scale, but trips of a longer nature. We actually would love to move to another country altogether, but that’s a whole other story and remains to be seen if it will work out!
Traci, good for you on using a bike as your main form of transportation. You’ll enjoy your commute, learn more about your town, and get your exercise in every day if you do this. I have been mostly walking for the last few years to run errands, and I love it that I get exercise while I’m doing my everyday activities.
Living in another country is a great idea, and I know you can work it out if you really want to do it. We are all citizens of the world, so it makes sense to see more of it!
Looking forward to seeing how your adventure unfolds as you continue documenting the preparations and the trip itself! If you don’t have Croatia and Denmark (specifically Copenhagen) on your list of countries to visit, you should definitely add them to it
Croatia was one of my favorite places ever and Copenhagen made me want to immediately move there due to it’s progressive transportation policies and seemingly relaxed way of life. I have photos on my blog (http://justlikeridingabike.wordpress.com) if you’re interested - both places are gorgeous!.
Gorgeous photos, Traci! We almost moved to Croatia a couple of years ago and I was really bummed it didn’t work out. Damn the global economic crisis!
Yes, both are definitely on our list to visit. I can’t wait to see where you decide to go next…
Betsy,
You should definitely know, if you don’t already, that SO MANY women feel *just* like you do and it really makes them (namely, ME) feel better to know that you are saying our thoughts / quelling out fears out loud! Much appreicated!
Thanks! You rock — good luck on your half marathon (you will make it, NO question)!!
You know, Sharon, we are all in this together. It doesn’t make any sense to put on a false front and pretend like we don’t have fears and weaknesses. (that’s me speaking logically)
But it is so hard emotionally to actually admit things like this, and I’m working harder on being more transparent because I know we all go through this. Still hard to do, though (damn you, ego!). Thank you for your encouragement.
BTW- Looks like the “deeper rather than broader” approach is working out great.
Ha! This broad should have gone deep a long time ago.
I’m late to the party but I’ll chime in anyway:
Agree. It’s our own insecurities that give weight to other people’s comments. Example: I know SO many people who go off the deep end with someone calling them “stupid”. When someone calls me “stupid” (who would? I mean, really?) I would just laugh because if there’s one thing I know for sure, I am NOT stupid. Even at my most insecure, when I didn’t think I had anything going for me, I knew I wasn’t stupid.
But if you tell me that No one is going to buy my book, I would start crying. But it’s not because they said it (they can’t help that they’re rude, obviously. Civilized people keep such comments to themselves) Rather, it’s because this is my big fear - that I’ve spent all this time and energy and love on my book and it’ll be a dud.
So, not that I’m great at it or anything, but when I take care of my own insecurities and self-doubt, it doesn’t matter what others say. You’re not a runner because we’re all telling you that you are, you’re only a runner when you believe that you are (this goes for Olympic athletes and weekend warriors as well. Gifted people have insecurities too, regardless of how ridiculous that might seem).
Betsy, remind me to tell you the story of the apparently mentally ill woman who confronted me in the gym locker room. It’s a doozy!
Margit, you always have such a healthy perspective on things. It is true that we are most sensitive to comments about our own insecurities. You are going to sell TONS of books because you are an expert at what you do and parents and teens love the way you connect with them in such a real way. Anyone who knows you in the slightest knows you were born to this.
Thank you for your encouragement, as always. And please let us know your publish date - I’m sure plenty of readers with teens in their lives would be interested in your book.
These type of people bother me and I try not to surround myself with them and their negative energy! But they’re just projecting their fears on to you…
I’ve been running off and on for years and I still don’t feel like a “real” runner. I think it just takes some consistency and practice and you should be fine. The times that I’ve done races, people have been very encouraging to me! Cheering me on.. you can do it.. etc. These are other runners who seem way more fit and ‘seasoned’ than me.. I think everyone mostly just minds to themselves though.. It’s not about winning or losing just as long as you can finish!
Love this blog post, even though it made me wanna punch that woman in the face.
Betsy, I have always wanted to run in a half marathon. I let peoples remarks and myself hold me back. I think oh iam overweight.too old etc. People say why don’t you just stick to something like walking. what did you do to get started and get to where you are.. I walk daily. But would love to cross that finish line.
Oops spelled name wrong… Typing too fast.
Nancy!!!
Hey Nancy/Nnacy, you CAN cross the finish line! It just takes training time, and if you are already walking regularly you are one leg up on most people. Check out the link in the post for the “Couch to 5K” program and see what I mean.
(PS: My running partner is older than me and totally kicks my ass on time, so don’t let age hold you back, either)
I had to laugh when I read this post. I know exactly how you feel because I started out New Year’s Day of this year running a 5k. Did I mention I am not a runner? And I don’t like to be cold? Since “run a 5k” was on my bucket list and because it was for a good cause (proceeds went to the Lakewood officers fund), I decided to go run a 5k. EVERYONE that showed up for the event (hundreds of people) looked like runners-spandex and super lightweight GoreTex as far as the eye could see. Then there was me in my “walking layers” which included an underlayer, a fleece jacket, and a fairly heavy weight North Face jacket. I looked like the Michelin man. Everyone passed me, even little kids and old people, but at least I finished…at 48 minutes. Fortunately I don’t care what people think and my hubby cheered me up when I crossed the finish line so it was all good.
p.s. I see where you get your spunky attitude from…see your mom’s comment above
April, if you did a 5K in 48 minutes that means you’re walking about 15-1/2 minute miles - that’s a pretty quick pace! The cool thing about sports like biking, speed walking and running is that there is a contest, but the main race is with yourself - beating your previous time, pushing your body to perform better, etc. It really is a great example of self-improvement and I think about running a lot when I’m trying to improve myself in other ways.
PS - You are so right about Mamacita. She’s a cool cat until someone threatens her cubs, and then the claws come out.
Betsy, I wanted to say two things. Firstly thank you, because as a minimalist who needed a little ”reworking” your site provided me a some very helpful encouragement
Secondly, every blogger receives rubbishy comments, sometimes warranted, sometimes not. I gave up a small blog I had last year for that reason but am about to restart again soon…hopefully stronger.
I thought of this when I saw your post:
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.”
old Chinese proverb
I think this can be applied even to those who just make their silly comments in order to bring you down - there are always plenty of detractors, but sometimes they need to stand aside and let the rest of us get on with it