When we think of big dreams the question of “what if I don’t really like it?” is always at the back of our minds. Just because you dreamed about living happily ever after with the prince doesn’t mean you will, and the same goes for that perfect job, move, family, trip, or hobby-turned-business.
When you change your mind
Recently I saw that fellow long-term traveler Ayngelina, a Canadian woman who left a good job, a relationship, and a nice apartment behind to satisfy her wanderlust in Central and South America, had decided to stop traveling and put down roots. She’s been all over the world, documenting people, places, and food, and her open and honest writing style about the joys and pains of travel has earned her a loyal following.
She says she knows travel will always be in her life, but it was no longer what she wants as the main focus in her life. Two years after giving up her entire life back home, she is done with this dream.
Since I’m writing about Fear for our next book and a real fear of chasing your dreams is wondering what will happen if the dream just won’t work out, I asked Ayngelina to share her thoughts on the decision. Below is our conversation.
The Interview
Q: You turned your life upside down in order to travel, leaving a job, a relationship, and your friends and family for the open road almost 2 years ago. You said at the time: “As much as I’m afraid to go, I’m more afraid to regret not going.” What was your specific fear about going? Even though you’ve decided to stop living the nomadic lifestyle, are you still glad you did it? What did you learn about yourself that you couldn’t in Toronto?
A: The unknown is frightening and at times paralyzing. I had a good life and I was worried about giving it all up for something that may not have been as good.
I am so happy I left. To be honest there is nothing I learned on the road that I could not have learned in Toronto. It is why I don’t tell people they have to sell their things, leave their job and loved ones. All the changes I made in Latin America I could have done in Canada. But I was holding myself back and I needed to get rid of all the things and people who defined me in order to see who I was when alone.
I’ve written about this a lot but I have always considered myself a bit cold, distant, afraid to show emotions. In Latin America people share their fears, sadness, joy and anger without fear. I learned to do that as well.
Q: You also said at the start of your most recent travels, “The fear is petrifying but it’s not paralyzing.” Do you feel the same way about this new challenge in front of you, or does each change get easier with time and experience?
A: Up until a few weeks ago I would have said that it is easier, that I can see the possibility in each challenge. But a few weeks ago I felt tired and unhappy with my situation but I could not see that it was time to take a break and come home for a bit, because turning against the nomadic lifestyle felt like a failure.
It wasn’t until a friend told me that I had already done the hardest thing - choosing a different life, that I could decide however I would live that and it didn’t have to be perpetually on the road.
It really released a sense of burden to hear that, I was starting to feel like the postergirl for being constantly on the road. I realized that my lifestyle will evolve and I should not allow what others want or expect from me to shape how I live - afterall that is why I left my old life in the first place.
Q: How do you use fear as a compass to propel you forward?
A: Every time I have taken a risk I have been positively rewarded, it doesn’t always feel that way initially but in the end I realize working through the fear was the right thing.
I really believe in sharing your fears with others. So many times we keep our fear, sadness and insecurities to ourselves and it has really created a society of people who feel alone, wondering why everyone else is so happy and confident. The truth is we all have moments of insecurity, self-doubt and fear. If we were more open about them we would feel less alone.
I don’t really consider myself a pure travel site, sure I write about where I am and what I experience, but peppered throughout the site are posts about self-doubt, loneliness, how I dealt with the break-up. For me the greatest risk is sharing my insecurities publicly but every time I do it I feel so overwhelmed with the support from readers. People comment and write me personally to share their own secrets and I end up having a connection with strangers that I could not have had before with my own friends.
Q: What is the shelf life of an average dream, and why do you think we have a tendency to focus on “forever” timelines when every bit of life evidence says otherwise? What do you think is the more realistic version of the “I want to be X when I grow up” statement?
A: There once was a time when you finished high school or university and then stuck with a spouse, house and career for the remainder of your life.
I remember when I finished university at 21 I told my mother I was not officially an adult until I was 25, and then at that age I thought 30 would be adulthood. I was so afraid of choosing the wrong path. I am now 34 and just easing into calling myself an adult.
I was always concerned with the finality of making changes, it was terrifying to choose a path and think that I had to follow it for the next 40 years. Now I don’t look beyond 3 months and when people ask me my 5 year plan I am baffled.
That may seem to be a bit irresponsible but it helps keep me in check to see if what I am doing is what I really want to do or what I think I should do.
Q: I don’t think you can have it all - at least not all at the same time. We give something up when we make a choice (which is why it is a choice). Do you think your decision to stop the constant movement is a balancing move to restore/refuel what you gave up to travel? Is this something you think we can do successfully throughout our lives so we can have it all…even if it isn’t at the same time?
A: You can’t have it all. We need to stop trying to have it, and feeling like a failure when we don’t. When I left 18 months ago I gave up much hope of having a relationship, steady friendship and healthy income. But I needed to do that because something was pulling at me to leave it all.
Now I really miss that sense of connectedness to friends, family, a city and a boyfriend. At first I felt a bit hopeless but then I realized it was exactly what I needed to feel, to come back and be completely happy where I was instead of feeling like I should be somewhere else.
I am trying to find a new sense of balance, my hope is to do contract work here in Toronto and do shorter spurts of travel throughout the year. I still want to have the flexibility to take off whenever I want, for however long I want but I need some roots.
Q: To someone reading right now who has a fantastic dream but wants advice on how to overcome the paralyzing fear to make it happen, what would you say?
A: One of the wonderful things about taking the leap is that you meet so many others who are doing the same. At home it seemed odd for someone in their 30s, with a boyfriend and a successful career to leave it all, but on the road I met so many others who were doing the same.
And I have learned when it is no longer working for you, you can always choose to do something else.
Happily ever after is a journey, not a destination
with Ayngelina in Lima, Peru
A friend recently decided to go back to her previous lifestyle after a pretty dramatic change over the last year or so. She satisfied her craving, resolved her “what if?” questions, and is returning a more well-rounded version of her previous self, ready to take on new challenges and experiences.
Another friend is a successful entrepreneur who has decided to adjust her goal of world domination to having children and buying a farm. Her business acumen is helping her create and finance the start of this new lifestyle, and she’ll never have to wonder as she’s baking bread or picking veggies in the garden with her kids if she could have been a successful businesswoman. She knows. And she also knows she’s ready to move on to the next stage in her life, fully present.
In our own life, we have changed our original “one year around the world trip” into a permanent lifestyle, adjusting our vision of daily travel and adventures to include periods of productive work to finance it all. When we first started planning this life, we did not envision working at a desk in paradise, but here we are, happier than we ever imagined we could be, knowing that we can adjust our dream to fit our current needs as we go.
For those of you considering a change in your life and holding yourself back because
- You might fail
- You might not like it
- It might not turn out like you hope
consider these final words from Ayngelina about choice and change:
“The reason I am sharing this with you is to explain that one choice doesn’t decide the fate of the rest of your life. You can choose change and when it’s no longer working for you, you can do something else.
So many times we feel like we have to make the perfect decision or we’ll screw up our lives.
We really don’t. Life is a series of changes and when one doesn’t work make another one! We make things out to be much more difficult than they are.”
You know how we feel about this. It’s why we publish this blog, the Try Something New ezine, and our books. It’s why we’re writing this book on Fear now. It’s why we remind you that life is short and action is better than analysis.
We want to know what you think about choices, changing your mind, and publicly stating that things just aren’t working for you anymore. Have you done it? How did it turn out for you? Let’s start the conversation in the comments.
About Betsy
I love this interview! Ayngelina’s blog is great, and I especially like her more personal posts. Fear of change and of making the wrong choice is something I struggle with a lot. I started a round the world trip a few months ago (solo, after getting married) and even though it was something I’ve wanted to do for years, it was really hard to be away from my husband. So I booked a ticket to come home for 2 weeks in the middle of it. I keep feeling like I didn’t do the trip “right” but really the only right way is the way that works for me. I’m also using this time to try to figure out what direction my life should take when I’m done with the trip in a few months, and it feels like such a heavy decision. But you’re both so right, one decision does not determine the rest of your life. I can always try something and change my mind later if it doesn’t work out. This was a good reminder of that.
Ali thanks so much for the kind words.
Initially I thought I could be perpetually nomadic and it turns out I find it tiring. But you know I don’t regret any of the choices.
I won’t go back to my old life, I left it for a reason. Now I am hoping to find something new that works for me, travel will always be a part of my life but I need a base.
Thank you so much for sharing this and the writings of Ayngelina!
I totally agree with the statement “You can’t have it all.” Mr Disney is guilty of mind control from a young age by instilling in us the thought that if we’ve not met our Prince Charming and living happily ever after by the time we’re in our 30′s, say- then there’s something wrong with us.
Then society continues to make us feel that we CAN have it all - mothers encouraged to go out and work, etc. Or, indeed, it is your duty to society to procreate!
As an English girl in her late 30′s, not married with kids and who’s chosen a life on the road (although in my 4th year in Greece now), I can totally relate to this article - thanks.
Yes, life is lonely sometimes and I am totally aware that one day I might go back to the UK - but I also know there is NOTHING WRONG with that.
Ayngelina, you have done what a lot of people wouldn’t doand you are honest about your feelings - you should be commended. I take my hat off to you.
:0)
Thanks so much Bex
I realized that constantly traveling is just not for me. I am so happy for the 18 months that I had but now I want to settle down a bit and find a way that I can travel when I want for however long I want but still have something to come back to.
I really appreciate all your support.
I really agree with Ayngelina’s mindset here. I’ve been a big fan of hers over the last year or two, and that’s unlikely to change just because of a change of approach.
I’ve been wandering on and off for 15 years now … but the key phrase is ‘on and off’. I love my travel-based life, but that doesn’t mean I want to always be a nomad. Just as I don’t want to always be stuck in one place either. I get tired and lonely when I’ve been on the move for too long, and I get bored and restless when I’ve been stuck in one place for too long.
Balance is what I need .
Thanks for sharing this post guys
Dave I really feel like you have articulated what I want so much better than me. I absolutely want a travel-based lifestyle but nomadic isn’t right for me either. Reading your comment gave me shivers, now I just need to copy and paste it for when everyone asks me “so what are you doing now?”
This is it in a nutshell, I think. There is no “balanced life” - there is only what you are doing now and what you are going to do later and how it all works together to make you whole. It doesn’t have to balance at the time you are doing it - it is an overall kind of symmetry we are all looking for.
I know in my heart I would not have been able to travel long-term in my 20s or 30s. I also know that the career commitment and success I enjoyed during that time has no place in my life right now. But would I give up either experience? Never.
Here’s to all of us continuing to fill our needs as we go, changing and growing along the way.
Great topic and interview.
What helped me through the big, life-altering, decisions was keeping in mind that none of these decisions are irreversible: the move, the selling of stuff, even abandoning a career can all be undone. There are consequences, of course. But so too are there consequences with just staying put.
When we realize that nothing we do today is necessarily permanent, it makes these large decisions seem smaller and more manageable.
Brian
Completely agree with you, we seem to think change is forever, but it’s really just change for right now.
Nice article, it’s important to highlight the things in your life that are important. Many of us unfortunately are too tied down with debt and clutter to make active choices and shape our destiny.
http://traveloutthere.blogspot.com/2011/12/declutter-your-life.html
Believe me I was one of those people with debt. Before I started I was paying $1000/month in debt, fortunately it was student loan.
It took me two years of paying and living on a very strict budget to make it happen but it was really important for me to be debt free when I left.
I loved this interview. It’s interesting because I went and chased my nomadic dream for a while by living abroad. But now I’m actually at home and it’s possible I”ll settle into a full time job, but one that I think I’m going to love. I realized that I also had some responsibilities like student loan debt that I needed to really take care of. While I still have the dream of traveling and surfing I realized it doesn’t have to be non-stop. So I definitely appreciate your perspective.
One of the interesting things coming back is that travel and my site opened new doors for me.
I spent ten years working in advertising but I knew I couldn’t go back full time. I have been vocal about wanting to do marketing contract work so that I could have more flexibility to travel (I have some ideas to spend the winter in Mexico) and I’m already on a 7 week contract.
I think the most important thing is that the “dream” doesn’t die, it simply evolves.
A great post, with amazingly honest sentiments in it. I think one’s choices in life should be a reflection of what you want, not what others want for you. And leading a semi-nomadic life (travelling with some roots) is nothing to be ashamed of if it is what makes you happy. Angelyina’s choice is a great tribute to living in the moment and mindfulness-she is exactly right, nothing is undo-able and very few decisions are forever. Good for her for following her dreams!
Thanks for your kind words Melissa, I do think from time to time we need to remember what makes us happy and that can change from time to time.
When we shop for clothes . . . we pick what works for us NOW . . . not what we think we will want to be wearing 5 or 10 years down the road.
We should do the same with our careers and other lifestyle choices. If it works NOW, it works . . . even if alterations are needed six months from now.
We can only live happily ever after on a moment by moment basis.
I really like that analogy, it helps put things into perspective.
Brilliant, nrhatch (as usual). I’m going to be using that shopping/alterations analogy a lot in the future, I think.
Ayngelina, I’ve always loved you and your blog, and after reading this, I love you even more. You did something many cannot — admit when it’s time to change your life and actually change your life.
I hope one day I can actually meet you on the road … or in Toronto … I know, no matter what you end up doing, you will find your happiness. xx
Great interview, Ayngelina! I live in Hamilton (so close to Toronto!) and feel the same way you do. Travel, but with a home base, is what works for me (and also because I have a family). I love my country, Canada…but, oh, can’t take those long winters…that probably has a lot to do with the way I feel also…sort of wanting to ‘escape’ but come back too
I had never felt that way until now but I am really comfortable with the decision.
A friend and I discuss this at length regularly. We ponder over what’s going to happen next and hope for some sort of tell-tale sign that’s going to make decions “easy” or the “right.” So far, no luck. My friend said it best, “The more you think about it, the less sense it makes. Just do!” There’s a lot of truth and honesty in that. I’m trying to work on spending time abroad next year alone and I’m scared. I’m nervous I can’t hack it. I’m afraid for every reason you can think of plus the kitchen sink. These sorts of articles remind me that I’m not alone and that it’s normal to feel insecure, scared, naked, raw and emotional. I hope that soon I can solidify plans and achieve what I’ve always dreamed of.
It’s funny because I am doing a 7 week contract at my old ad agency and I sat in on a presentation yesterday that made me think.
It was about how flexibility and adaptability are the most important things to any business yet the hardest to do. I think the same is true in life, we get so focused on what we have decided that we don’t just go with the flow.
But believe me since this interview went live I’ve received so many emails from others with support and understanding. You are not alone.
I completely agree about wanting to have it all. What I want seems to change monthly, or even daily. It is interesting that when we have lots of choices, it is harder to make decisions.
The hardest thing to answer is - what would you do if you could do anything?
What a great interview - thanks for sharing! It took me until my late 30′s to realize “choice” doesn’t stop when you make just one. It’s a constant option to pursue and dream and then decide to pursure something else. Ayngelina, I know another couple who tried the nomadic lifestyle for a year or so and found it just wasn’t for them and they are now back in the States.
Like you, Ayngelina, when I was a kid I was mortified by the thought of picking just one profession and doing it until I retired. What if I got sick of it? I am so fortunate to live and work in a time where people have 6 or 7 different careers and jobs (and even more) and it is perfectly acceptable.
As I’m finalizing a memoir about my recovery back from a brain aneurysm three years ago, I devote a whole chapter to facing the fear. For me, sometimes taking an action - any action - is the key to unlocking the fear. The more you “talk to talk” the sooner you’ll begin to “walk the walk!” This helped me overcome some of my worst fears - once I started acting brave, I actually began feeling brave!
Travling, finding roots, corporate life, buying a farm - everyone’s dreams come in different shapes and sizes. We don’t walk in other’s shoes and they don’t walk in ours. I have friends (like the Talbot’s!) traveling the world to chase their dreams. I have others who simply love working in finance on Wall Street and helping companies grow, create jobs and build strong communities (yes, there are many Wall Street types like that, despite recent bad press!) The beauty is that we live in a time and place where people can - and do - change their minds all the time.
As long as you are doing what makes YOU happy and what helps you grow, that is all that matters. Good luck with your journey!
PS, there’s an excellent book called Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert that talks about how we have a tough time making choices because we are making them for mythical “future selves” - when the very act of making a choice (having kids, traveling the world, taking that job) means your future self is going to hav a very different set of paramters than you do now! it’s a fascinating and fun book about choices we make and our fears over making the right ones. Check it out!
Maria thanks so much for all of your kinds words, I’m googling the book now!
Maria, I’m googling it, too! What a fascinating concept. Did I choose to become a corporate dynamo when I was younger to please the future version of myself that is now wearing flipflops and writing a book on a terrace in Thailand? If so, I really messed up!
I can’t wait to read your memoir (hint: we’ll be reviewing it on the blog, readers, so stay tuned). There is a lot to be learned from you about fear and relationships and perseverance.
I’ve always loved the name Bacon is Magic. Truly hip.
This-as usual-is a fantastic post, Betsy. What we all face is the “mother (father?) of all fears;” the biggie that keeps 90% of us stuck doing stuff we hate for decades: “What if I make the wrong decision and regret it the rest of my life?” We’re worried about “failing” and living with regret; but go into any geriatric center and chat with the residents and dig deep enough and you’ll soon discover their biggest regret was being so fearful and not doing and trying more things. [Hey! … there’s a plug for Try Something New!
)
In their early 50′s my parents got rid of their businesses and just about everything else and moved to the other side of the world (Sydney) to start a new business. Their friends and family we’re freaking out! lol!!! They had an amazing time in Australia and made wonderful friends . . . they had to; they didn’t know a soul when they arrived. Sixteen years later they moved back to the U.S. to be closer to grandchildren, but nobody asked if they regretted the move. (My mom died only a couple of years after returning back! Good thing she hadn’t put off “finally living” until her “golden years,” eh?)
I realize Ayngelina has only been gone a couple of years, but 2 years or 16 years it doesn’t matter, nobody will ever be able to take away from her the memories of the friends she’s made and the fun she’s had or the growth she experienced. Would she have grown and progressed back home? Sure. But nothing spurs personal development like being yanked entirely out of your comfort zone for an extended period of time. I feel it is something everyone of us-especially Americans!-should do; mandatory! Living abroad gives us a whole new perspective on the world we live in.
From a practical stand-point on a professional level, Ayngelina you’re a great story-teller and you’re blog will always be an excellent show-case for your creative abilitiesas well as an example of your authentic character. Its the kind of thing you could never capture with a resume or brochure. Long live Bacon!
You know one of the things that shaped me in life was that my father died when I was 5 and even though I was young I remember being close.
I have always had a sense of my own mortality and maybe that has helped me take the leap that others could not, because I knew “later” may not always be an option.
I am so happy to hear your parents were able to live their dream.
I completely agree. One of the things we have been working towards for the past couple of years is to be financially capable of having a home base and also traveling whenever we want. We love where we live and can’t imagine living anywhere else. We have a great group of friends and live 2 blocks from the beach in almost always sunny weather. I can’t imagine ever giving that up completely, yet we love to travel.
We thought about taking a stab at the nomadic lifestyle, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s for us. It feels good to not be running away from something and to just be happy where you are. Good for you for figuring out that it wasn’t working for you and for making a change.
I have spent some time in Europe that last few months and it’s interesting to see that in the blogger community most of the nomadic bloggers are North American whereas all the European bloggers I met had a home base.
When I first started to feel burnt out one of them pointed this out to me and I realized that I needed to open my mind to the possibilities.
Great interview.
One of the things that really resonated with me was your comment that all the changes you made in Latin America could have been made at home. I too am one who can be afraid to be vulnerable and let people really know me. I think that’s what I find so attractive about the Latin American culture, the ability to connect more intimately. Sometimes we just need different surroundings to really get in touch with ourselves and release the habits we’ve developed over time.
I admire your ability to recognize when it was time for another change and to move your life in yet another direction. This will definitely help me as I move forward in completely redesigning my life. No decision has to be permanent and I think if we’re fully living our lives, we’re constantly growing and changing. Finding balance is important and some of us just have a more unorthodox way of doing it!
Thanks for so generously sharing your insight.
I really believe what held me back was what others would think, and if you knew me you would think this was ridiculous. I did not care what people thought when I left my career. But maybe because I have become a bit more public due to my blog, I was worried if readers would be disappointed and that I hadn’t been living up to what they thought of me.
Even as I write this I realize what a crazy thought it is, but it was going through my mind. It wasn’t until a friend told me I had nothing to prove to anyone that I was able to release it all.
Great interview and discussion. Decisions are rarely “final forever,” though they certainly can and usually do have implications on the future. But deciding to go forth on a path will no doubt lead to another fork in the road somewhere down the line - and another decision. I’ve pursued a dream or two that led to a deadend in the road; but then off to the side was a path not previous seen - leading to new decisions, new discoveries. What’s really important is to keep moving down the road/path/boardwalk.
You know the hardest part is that we never see there will be new opportunities/discoveries on the other end, we only see what we could miss out on.
Amazing advice, Ayngelina. I couldn’t agree more. I struggled so much witht he decision to leave Buenos Aires and go back to the States. I felt like I was quitting my expat/traveler life and failing, which is so ridiculous because I did awesome and feel awesome. I have the same plan (or lack their of) as you do. Set up some basic roots but try to stay free to travel when i want to.
I know I’m posting this comment a couple of months after the original post but I had to say how much I loved this article/interview. I can’t even begin to explain the connection I felt with it now as I’m going through my own transitions. Thanks to Ayngelina for being so open and honest. And to those that commented, as well. HUGE thing for me to read right now. Thanks so much!
Karen, I’ve always said the comments are half the lesson. You can’t do better than learn from someone else’s experience (without doing it yourself, of course). Best of luck to you as you work through your transitions. It is a very exciting time in life!
this is so helpful.
right now i’m really digesting, “Happily ever after is the journey, not the destination.”
These sorts of articles remind me that I’m not alone and that it’s normal to feel insecure, scared, naked, raw and emotional. We should do the same with our careers and other lifestyle choices.
Sarah, the biggest gift the internet has given the world is the sense of community. None of us are alone or the only ones to think/do/want a certain thing. A quick Google search proves it! And we all have doubts and change our minds. It’s a good reminder to cut our selves some slack.