We headed outside of Chiang Mai this weekend to record the forth in our Readers Questions series. In this installment we talk about how we spend so much time together without killing each other. Today’s question was submitted by Eva Miller who wants to know if we ever get tired of each other and how we handle being together so much of the time. When Betsy and I read this we both smiled since this is one of the biggest fears we had before leaving.
We discuss our secrets for spending so much time together and how that has turned into one of the best things we could have done for our relationship.
How do you handle being with your partner for an extended period of time without committing acts of violence?
If you have other questions you’d like us to answer in this series, please drop up an email or include it in the comments below.
Coming up on the blog: we are excited that our next post will be from one of our readers, Tranque Fuller. He will be enlightening us about his new book “Life Story Rewrite” and sharing his passion for creating a new path in your life. This book is what inspired us to start the Try Something New ezine. After that I will be adding a new addition to my photo series and give you a sense of our first month here in Thailand.
About Warren
What’s that you’re saying when you put your hands together and bow Warren? “Sell all the crap?” lol!!! Is that some sort of Dream. Say. Do. promotion or something? lol!!!!
Enjoyed the video. Isn’t it interesting that-as is typical-our biggest fears tend to end up groundless. Before leaving you were stressed that you’d get sick of hanging out together so much, when actually the opposite has happened; you’re closer than ever!
I must confess in our interview I was heartened to hear that you two fought when you traveled together on vacations; it gave me a lot of hope for Yumi and I.
Our finest hour isn’t when we’re a bit stressed, tired, hungry and out of our comfort-zones traveling. (Which I guess there’s a life-metaphor in that as well.)
I like your comment about deciding in advance the “procedure” for dealing with conflict. That is excellent. Just to step back and say, “We know we’re going to fight; so let’s set some procedures and ground-rules now for dealing with it.”
I recently heard Stephen Covey explaining something called by the American Indians the “Talking Stick.” It was a stick that got passed back and forth between two individuals or representatives of groups (could be couples, business departments, or even countries in conflict) and the person without the stick could not express their view/opinion until the possessor of the stick handed it to him/her. The idea being, they didn’t pass the stick until they felt that they had been heard and understood. Not just an understanding of their position, but also why they feel the way they do.
Obviously “built in” to this process is that if you choose to participate and “follow the rules,” you’ve made a commitment toward creating solutions, not just heated debate as you’re hell-bent to remain rooted in your position.
Covey said he used this process in a 2 day meeting with a group made up of Christians, Jews and Muslims focused on creating solutions. Madeline Albright participated and said she had never seen anything so powerful as this process and how well it facilitated communication and brought the group together.
Anyway …..
We need some motorcycle video action!
Be Present. Expect success. Live with Passion!
Tranque
Tranque,
Shhh, that message was meant to be subliminal;) That theme of our biggest fears is proving to the foundation for much of our trip and we are pushing more boundaries every week. It has certainly been eye opening to see how the fears fall to the side in the face of action.
We certainly do fight and they are not always pretty. But given how we travel we are force to resolve the issue quickly and through open dialog. There simply is not time to let things fester and blow us.
I love the idea of the stick. Though I fear that Betsy may decide to use it for less “constructive” purposes during some of our disagreements. I have a feeling it would lose some of it’s power as a “Talking Stick” if it has blood on it.
Great idea on the motorcycle video action. We need to take some video next time and share with you guys.
Loved the video guys! Andrew and I had a big adjustment when we first moved over here. We were used to both having our separate jobs and separate friends. Suddenly I had no job and we were each other’s ONLY friend. As you guys well know, even now that we have other people to hang out with, we are still together most of the time (even if we are both plugged into our respective computers.) It certainly hasn’t stopped the arguments, but as you pointed out, it teaches you how to argue and come out the other side ok.
Honestly, couples that never argue scare me… You just know that they are bottling everything up and it will all explode at some point and result in badness.
Alison, I cannot agree more. One of the best parts of being so close is we work through all the issues quickly. I will admit there are still tense times and periods spent in “silent contemplation” (read, thinking of ways to kill the other person without getting caught) but we always end up talking through the problem the same day and sleeping in the same bed. There is no risk here of bottled up emotions as our schedule and need to be partners means we just cannot let that happen.
Love this because you talk about ways to improve communication as opposed to talking about how to spend time apart.
We’ve found that we’ve had the exact same experience. Having the chance to spend more time together has made for a BETTER relationship. Most noteworthy… we communicate more effectively. Plus, when you are living a fulfilled life, you actually have the heart space to be a better, more open partner.
Keep on keepin’ on you two!
Kent,
Before leaving we were given a lot of advice from people who suggested we spend time apart while on the this trip. Even to the point of going to different places in order to give us space for weeks at a time. Obviously, this feedback had us even more worried about what it was going to be like.
Now that we have been on the road for a bit we could not imagine the idea of going separate places. Our goal was to experience the world together and now that we are here we are closer than ever. By working through our issues when they come up we become better partners - both in life and travel.
It is great to here that you guys have found the same experience. It really does come down to communication. It seems so simple but the reality and action are really hard to put into practice.
I’m still trying to figure out how 2 parents and 2 teens are going to handle it in a totally different culture (language, lifestyle etc.) for months…any help greatly appreciated.
I have absolutely no experience on the kids front, but can say that for us the constant communication and sharing when there are issues have been huge. Don’t require that your partner reads your mood/mind to determine something is wrong. Tell them when there are issues or problems. It will go a long way.
As for the broader question, I’d love some feedback from our readers on this. Also, you may want to reach out to Nancy at Family on Bikes. She, her husband, and 2 sons biked from Alaska to Ushuaia, Argentina over 2 years. I would assume there was some conflict on that trip that could provide insights and ideas for dealing with the inevitable.
You know, it occurs to me that “back in the day” (i.e. pre-Industrial Revolution) when more folks were self-employed and more often than not, a couple lived over the shop-be it the butcher, the blacksmith or the general store-there was a heck of a lot more couple togetherness in day to day living.
So, I think what you’re doing is new again. (Maybe being together 24/7 is the new black?)
Anyway, I applaud your advice in this video and have found that Jeremy and I-having been on the road for eight months-have employed all of your tips. We’ve also set up a division of duties -and have agreed to accept each other’s decisions in our respective areas-and that makes for a harmonious travel relationship. For example, I handle air fares and lodging; he takes care of in-the-area transport (bus, taxi, bike-rentals, Zipcar, etc).
I think travel also makes one good at setting and respecting boundaries and that’s been a great enhancement to our marriage. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our marriage has been stronger than ever since we undertook an on-the-road life.
Maureen,
I love this concept of bringing back the idea of spending more time with you spouse. We can certainly say it is working great for us and are delighted that you and Jeremy are finding the same benefits.
Splitting the duties is a wonderful way to avoid trouble in the first place and an excellent point. By knowing where the “trouble spots” are in a relationship you can easily overcome them by thinking ahead. I tend to be the planner and Betsy works hard to ensure we leave open the possibilities for new and unexpected experiences. This blend has been wonderful over the course of our trip and I know we have complemented each other quite well in the process.
Good tips. It helps that you both have a sense of humor AND both are invested in making this part of your journey work.
Cheers!
Thank you for the comment Nancy. We certainly apply our sense of humor to our fights. Typically our disagreements end with one of us saying something that the other simply cannot stop from smiling. This is a great way to end a tense situation and lets us get back on track quickly. We know this trip is our dream but even dreams can be derailed by poor attitudes.
Great advice guys, thanks! I think having a strategy is key and I think your advice works well in the everyday as well. When we went away for our month’s holiday I determined that I would not get impatient with my husband - he is quite truly Mr Placid and I am seriously Mrs Crabby, and I think making that vow to myself really worked well for me, and I’m sure for him! We also are in a position at home now where we only work part time so we are together quite a lot more than ever before and we are finding for us that talking things through, appreciating the effort the other person is making, and playing nice, is working well for us!
Judy, great point. All these skills can be applied quite nicely to our daily lives as well. Not just on vacation/travel. We’re glad to know you are playing nice and that it is paying off dividends. Let us know if it goes sideways and we will smuggle you one of Tranque’s proposed “Talking Sticks” to use to get him back in line;)
You guys are soooooo cute together!!
Awww, thank you Valerie. You made us smile today.
wow… that was great video and you have answered the question perfectly. Communication is the key. We always communicate why we are upset or angry with each other. We fight but I don’t remember being angry with my husband (or he is angry with me) for more than 1 or 2 hours. Then we just think; it is not end of the world and move on…to cheer up we go for drive or to good pub / restaurant.
Many readers have asked pretty interesting questions; I also wish to ask one. What about your insurance in foreign countries? Have you included this expense in your budget?
Thank you Pratiksha, glad you enjoyed the video and message. Sounds like you guys follow a similar approach. Keeping the dialog going and talking through the problem/feelings is not easy, but has been so helpful to us.
Great question on the insurance and expenses. We are just getting ready to get new coverage so the timing is perfect to address this in an upcoming Reader Questions video. Thank you for the suggestion.