Let’s be honest, though. Sometimes they deserve it.
As you may recall, when we first made the decision to travel it was for a year-long career break. Then it became two years. Finally we just sold everything we owned and made it an open-ended journey, a trip that would take our savings completely to zero before we returned.
The more free we became with our plans, the better I felt.
Now that we’ve been traveling for 9 months, we’ve decided to make it a permanent lifestyle and settle down for six months to kick-start the business, which means the trip now includes a bit of work along with the play and a need to generate more money than we are spending.
We’ve gone from being lovers to business partners overnight with this decision, and just like sleeping with your coworkers, sometimes it gets messy.
Take today, for instance. I screwed up on an opportunity that could have resulted in making us some money and gaining a bunch of new readers. Actually, I didn’t really screw it up so much as let it wither and die, which is somehow worse. Screwing up because of the wrong actions is less depressing than screwing up because you just didn’t do anything.
That’s the rub with this new lifestyle. We have to balance the enjoyment and carefree attitude of this lifestyle with the planning and work required to finance it.
One of us is better at this scenario than the other one.
Vengeance is mine
So when Warren called me out on the missed opportunity, I felt like a jerk.
When he did it in a compassionate but firm way, I felt like a jerk AND hated his guts for being a decent guy, further highlighting my failure.
When he suggested ways to make the situation better in the future to avoid another fight, I felt like a jerk AND hated his guts AND thought about shaving off his eyebrows in his sleep (or maybe just one so he’d have to endure the humiliation of shaving off the other one himself).
One of us is more creative than the other one, at least in terms of vengeance.
This is going to sting a little
The truth is, none of us likes to be called on it when we make a mistake. We don’t want our partners to see us as less than awesome or stumbling when we should be flying.
But it happens. And when you work together and play together and build a life together, you should expect to see each other in a bad light every now and again.
I’m not a great planner, but I have to become a better one to make our ideal life happen. The sense of false emergency about our daily lives is something I am glad we left behind when we started this trip, but it doesn’t mean I can let go of any sense of legitimate urgency, that little bit of stress that actually forces us to get important things done.
I hate it when Warren points out a flaw or a mistake, especially the ones that he could probably let slide and avoid a fight. He wants me to be the best I can be so we can be better together. He doesn’t hold me to any higher standard than I put out there myself, but he also doesn’t let me forget those commitments I made.
For someone who likes to talk a lot of smack, this can be a real problem. You have to put up or shut up.
I hate it when he tries to make me a better person. Until I gently morph into that better person, that is. And then I love him more than I could ever imagine.
How do you handle it when you’ve messed up and get called out on it?
On the flip side, how do you treat your partner when they mess up in a big way?
About Betsy
I’ve been married 15 years next week and still learning the ropes, Betsy, lol! That said, my husband is very good at saying to me, “sorry, dear…my fault” when we have upsets
Joanna, your husband is the kind of making up! Perhaps it is because you send him on these cool astronomy trips that he wants to stay in your good graces.
Think of how surprised he would be next time if you said it first.
He’d either not believe me or have a heart attack
! As for the astronomy trips, yeah, if he’s happy, I’m happy. Thank goodness astronomy is worldwide with many locales in far-off places I’d looove to visit, so we’re both happy! I’ll even go north with him one day (yes, despite my aversion to the cold) because I’ve always wanted to see the northern lights. Life is a balance, isn’t it?
Oops, my husband just said it’ll look really suspicious if he has a heart attack soon (which means our house is paid off and I’ve all the travel money I need)!!
You crack me up, Joanna. Maybe you should hold off on apologizing first in the name of good health and to avoid unwanted attention from the police.
This post reminds me of a poem from Ogden Nash, I can’t remember the exact title but it’s about sins of commission (actually doing sinful fun things!) versus the sins of OMISSION (the things you forget to do) which he says, and it’s true as we all know, is much worse!
Pam, good memory!
It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin,
That lays eggs under your skin.
The way you really get painfully bitten
Oh my, I’ve so been in your shoes-and Warren’s too! Your post is timely, for I’ve been thinking about the unique challenges of being a location independent couple. (My own blog post today was about this very same topic!)
In your defense, it is an art to be able to juggle the demands of work and the lure of exploring when you’re on the road. If you figure it out, let us know-that will make you LOTS of money and totally negate the current slip-up.
For me, I’m better at being the partner who points out the slip-ups of the other than being the partner who is gracious when the other points out that I’ve slipped up. Moi??? That, too, appears to be an art form.
Bottom line is, we are always a work in progress whether we are on the road or not.
Maureen, you hit the nail on the head. There are unique challenges to being a traveling couple, just like there are unique challenges to staying in one place, having kids, not having kids, working too much, working too little…you get the idea.
Everybody’s unique so none of us are. (My friend Joe is cringing at that statement.)
The toughest journey seems to be the one you choose to take with another person, no matter what the destination. If I figure out the solution I’ll be sure to let you know.
You do the same for us. Good luck on your journey!
Betsy-love the topic. There are many things that are not perfect in my marriage….however the one thing that I think we both do right is that we always want eachother to be the best person they can. We also realize that “being” is a moving target and requires multiple re-adjustments every day. When you realize that your partner is helping you and not criticizing you it is harder to take, but so much better in the end. I think that is the only way we have been able to endure so much change and still focus on our moving target. Cheers to you and Warren!
Paz, “moving target” is the best description I’ve ever heard of self-improvement and being. Some days we hit a bullseye, and some days we miss the target entirely and hit someone else in the ass with an arrow.
We have had this specific conversation a lot in our relationship - coming into an, um “discussion,” with the mindset that the other person always has your best interests at heart no matter what is said. This is a hard lesson to learn if you’ve only ever known criticism or feedback as a negative thing and not a path to self-improvement. Nine years together and still learning the ropes….
Every couple has their squabbles, but most aren’t as willing to be so honest and expose themselves. If more did then we could all see that it’s perfectly normal and natural to get on each others nerves, want to be “right” and need a little breathing room now and then.
It takes a brave couple to venture out into the world together, alone, without the distractions of work, family, friends etc. You two are amazing! And remember that there’s no situsation so bad that it can’t get worse…maybe not soup for the soul but it is true and helps to put things in percpective. On a globlal scale of worries, I’d clasify you two in the luxurious department! I realize your income concerns are valid and it can feel like survival, you’ve made it this far though and you don’t need to reinvent the wheel, just keeps those wheels spinning, something wondeful is right around the corner!
* situation!
You are so right, Kate. These are definitely “first world” problems and we recognize that.
Ego gets in the way in every economic situation and every country. I’m learning how to side-step mine, but it is so HUGE sometimes it is hard to maneuver around it. No matter how much I exercise, that monster seems to keep growing.
Just curious, you say you missed out on an opportunity to make some money and gain some readers…is it too late? Could you do something to perhaps still turn this around?
Hey, Kate. I turned around what I could, but no, it was too late to really reap the benefit. A valuable lesson, for sure!
Hi Betsey,
I love you so much for this post. “I felt like a jerk AND I hated his guts AND thought about shaving his eyebrows off in his sleep.” Thank you! It’s awesome and refreshing to hear you talk about the whole messy (and ugly) mix of emotions that goes along with working with (or TRYING to work with) your spouse/partner.
With us, both of us get completely triggered and feel/behave like jerks!! It’s a double whammy party! Sigh. When you figure it out, let us know.
So happy you guys are having fun and jumping into this new phase of the adventure. I’m living vicariously… and wishing I were living it for real.
Shea, I’ll let you know if Warren goes to sleep with tape over his eyebrows tonight. He sure is staying far away from me since this post was published!
It has been a really hard struggle to get to the point of not jumping the gun and going into defense or attack right away. Part of it is being together 24/7. There is no storming off to the other room because we usually only have one. No driving away in a huff because there is no car. No running off to family or friends to commiserate because they are thousands of miles away.
There is just working it out and not working it out, and after a while you realize that working it out is much easier - in both the short and long run - than staying mad. Even if you can come up with really awesome comebacks. Which I can, just for the record. (and so can he, dammit)
It does get messy, but that’s also part of the charm of it all. You really appreciate things when the fights are resolved and you know you worked through it together. I don’t think there is ever a point where you figure it all out - see Paz’s insightful comment about being a moving target - though I do think you can get better at resolving problems. Still working on that one.
Impossible situation? Being business partners with our spouses.
Having grown up with entrepreneur parents that were always business partners I certainly saw the down-side to this. Basically they were at work 24/7 as they didn’t seem to have the ability to leave “the office” and think of something else. One of them would always drag the other into conversations about business; though both “guilty”, I’m sure my dad was the bigger culprit.
So maybe creating strict “office hours” may be something you might instigate (if you haven’t already). I’ve simply had to do this for myself just to keep me from thinking about business 24/7.
Even if you’re passionate about what you’re doing, isn’t it important to pay attention to being a well-rounded person or your passion will suffer. One of my favorite “tactics” for getting out of working out is to justify it with, “I’ve got to get this project done today!” Suddenly I’ve discovered it has been days since I’ve worked out! It is all about balance. (And very tricky!)
A book that has some very solid info on entrepreneurship and running your own business is the EMyth Mastery by Michael Gerber. This is focused for more of a Brick N’ Mortar type business, but the sections about working with partners is great and may apply. Also, if you ever get to where you’re outsourcing (I highly recommend the Philippines) it may be helpful as well to help you deal with “employees” effectively. (But you both have business backgrounds so maybe this isn’t an issue for you.)
Making sure you have clearly defined roles as business partners may help alleviate stepping on each others toes . . . but learning to deal with the frustration of feeling that the other isn’t “pulling their weight” can be a challenge for any business partners. This usually happens if you’re not very tightly aligned in what your goals are and how to go about doing it. If you can’t get to a very clear and concise agreement on the “game-plan” and who is doing what, and how and when, then it will always be an up-hill battle.
I’ve come to the conclusion that spouses should NEVER these things together. Teach the other to: Ski or snowboard, drive a car or motorcycle, or play the guitar. (I’m sure others could readily add to this list!) These activities will ALWAYS result in a couple fighting. Why? Is it because these situations that already have inherent stresses and frustrations and when a couple attempts to do them together they tend to bring in ALL the additional “baggage” that their relationship has accrued-which results in turning a “fun” day learning to ski into an ugly fight on the bunny hill! (Surrounded by giggling 7 yr olds.)
So should “Being Business Partners” be added to the list? And how about “Personal Development”?
When someone “calls me on my shit,” that can truly suck but I can usually swallow my pride and deal with it when I know they’re right. But when my wife does it . . . uh . . . Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
So, once again, I think the only solution is to be VERY clear on what the other is allowed to “chime in” on.
For example. I know I want to lose weight. Yumi is fully authorized to bust my huevos when it comes to what I’m eating. I don’t always . . .um . . . cherish those moments, but I can’t get upset about it because we have clearly defined it as something she is “supposed” to do. So she steps in as my “conscience” when my own isn’t stepping up to the plate. Sometimes I even listen …. lol!!!
But this goes back to your awesome “12 mile Marriage Therapy” AKA “Hike from Hell” post. Sure we all want to adopt some sort of tough love, “I’m only calling you on this because I love you and I want to improve our relationship” approach, and in our saner moments we may actually even appreciate that . . . but . . . I feel that once couples get in the habit of “regulating” the others behavior it becomes a life-time of of frustration and even leads to power-struggles that actually empower resistance and guarantee MORE of what you don’t want. (Oh yeah! You say I’m putting on a little weight??? We’ll I don’t care if I want to lose weight; I’m gonna go out and eat a giant hot-fudge Sundae just to prove who’s boss!! lol!!!!)
All that being said, if there is a couple that I think will make this work and be a tasty success it is you two! You both are highly talented with traits that compliment each other. That’s a powerful team.
Be Present. Expect Success. Live with Passion!
Tranque, have you been spying on us?
It is nice to know these things are universal. While we do like the push we get from each other around our designated “hot spots” - and you are wise to point out that these should be negotiated ahead of time - it is very easy to blast the person giving the solicited feedback. Who wants to be called on their actions when they are in the middle of blowing it? But it is necessary, and we have to give our spouses credit for stepping up in the line of fire to do it and hope for the same when we do it for them.
But I agree with you - some things should be left to others (as Margit said, “don’t run an intervention on your own DNA” - I think that applies to partners, too!). Teaching is one of those - I remember learning golf with an ex-boyfriend and racquetball from my ex-husband. In both instances there was a neutral third party there who commented on our lack of ability to work together. We didn’t part ways based on those things alone, but you can see they didn’t help.
We’re in a weird place right now because of this new big project and transition in our trip/lifestyle, so I think we’re both hyper-aware of the changes we are making and want to fast-track it to success so we can go back to traveling and have fun. What we have to realize is that this is a new way of life now and it all has to fit together somehow.
We’re big fans of the Michael Gerber E-Myth books and I advocated those a lot in my consulting business with women entrepreneurs. It is so easy to get sucked into giving it all to your business and having nothing left for yourself. I feel like I’ve got a pretty good handle on it for work - I have basically worked virtually for myself or a company since 1999 - but adding in a spouse/business partner brings in its own set of adjustments. Warren has worked out his own strategies, and they don’t always fit in with mine.
We are still learning how to separate work from play and share a tiny, constantly changing space for all of it. That is why this six month “settling down” is so important - to develop the habits and balance we need as a couple and as a business to continue when we pick up to travel again. We are doomed to fail if we don’t pay attention to both how to finance our lifestyle going forward without sacrificing that lifestyle (or our relationship!).
It is all about clarity and expectations, and we just had a long chat about this today on our walk.
I think we could talk about this all day, Tranque! Thank you for sharing your expertise - the good and the bad.
I don’t mind so much when Nick busts my chops because he’s almost always right. And I married him so that I could have his perspective on things. He never nags me or calls me out on stuff that he knows is seriously challenging. He figures that’s someone else’s job, or he figures that others can intervene better than him. One of my friends always says, “Never run an intervention on your own DNA”. That’s about right.
I’ve gotten better at saying stuff to him when I’m feeling like he made a bad decision but I also know that he really does do things right most of the time, even if it’s not the way I would do it. I like it when he gives me business guidance since he’s a biz coach. He’s really really good at not getting on my case barely at all though.
When he bugs me I say to myself, “When you’re perfect, Margit, then you can nag him.” Mostly I stick to that.
Wise words, Margit! I like the phrase your friend uses - “Never run an intervention on your own DNA.” We are too close to make it effective oftentimes, and we let our emotions get in the way of the facts. (Who needs facts when you have passion?!)
It sounds like you and Nick have a pretty good balance about things and have an equal measure of “hands off’ on the little stuff and compassion for the big stuff. I think we all need to step back sometimes and remind ourselves of why we are together in the first place. It is easy to focus on the aggravating stuff at the expense of all the good stuff.
Like you said: “I also know that he really does do things right most of the time, even if it’s not the way I would do it.”
Well said, oh Wise One.
Wow! Thanks for being so transparent and honest. What a powerful post. I too have been business partners with my spouse. After 20+ years of marriage we still have to work on effectively communicating with each other. I love how Warren can communicate with you compassionately yet firmly and your honest reaction. I probably need to work on the compassionate part in my own communication with my partner.
Joanne, we’ve been blown away by everyone’s responses to our fights and failings. I guess we never thought you guys would be interested in this kind of stuff since we all go through it. I just had a lightbulb moment recently when I realized it is because we all go through it that you are interested. Duh.
We still have our ups and downs just like every other couple, but the compassion goes a long way in staving off a fight and getting a message across. The other person might still be hurt or embarrassed, but knowing the feedback came from love and in a compassionate way (not in an “I want to change you to suit my needs” kinda way) goes a long way toward resolving an issue. Good luck with your compassionate communication project - I’m doing the same thing!