People tell us all the time that we live the good life, and we cannot disagree. However, we think ANYONE can live the good life by adopting a few life-enhancing strategies.
We’ve already talked about meeting new people on a regular basis, connecting people to each other and to great opportunities, and knowing how to ask for what you want.
Today we’ll talk about something your grandma taught you that you may have forgotten: staying in touch with people.
Live the good life by staying in touch
Hey, I get it. You have the best intentions, but you are busy. Super-busy, in fact. Between your job and your family and taking care of your home you barely have time to…
Let me stop you there.
You can tell what is important to a person by the way they spend their time. If relationships are important, you will make time for them. You will make it a priority to send birthday greetings, celebrate the joys and mourn the losses of your nearest and dearest. And if you want to truly live the good life, you’ll expand this out to include friends and acquaintances who might become better friends with a little TLC.
When your friends need you, you’ll be there. And when you need them, they will be there for you, too.
How to stay in touch
Here are some of the easier ways to stay in touch, create deeper relationships with your friends, and keep a steady place in the lives of your friends no matter how far away you may be.
Finding the time to stay in touch
You have to make the time for it. We’re all busy, and we all have things vying for our attention every second of the day. The things that are urgent, whether important or not, are usually the things that get done. In order to invest in your relationships, you have to make it a priority and carve out the time for it, even though it doesn’t seem like a pressing need.
Could you give up watching a 30-minute sitcom every evening or wake up 30 minutes earlier each day to work on your relationships? Those 30 minutes can be spent:
- Making a phone call
- Sending 3 emails
- Writing 2 notecards
- Planning one casual meetup and sending out email invitations
- Sharing coffee with a friend before or after work
Become the host
One thing that will make a huge difference in your ability to stay in touch is to become an event planner and host within your circle of friends. The more invitations you extend, the more you will get in return.
- Get a group of people together for a cause (from a group yard sale to a community activity to a political event). This is a powerful way to connect with people who feel strongly about the same things you do or have the same needs you do.
- Invite a group to do something you would normally do alone. Do you like farmer’s markets on Saturdays? Invite some friends and have coffee beforehand. Want to see a movie? Invite 5 people to go with you and talk about it afterward. Have a craving for ice cream? Send out a Facebook update that you’ll be at the ice cream shop at 5 and ask people to join you.
- Throw a party. You don’t have to spend a lot of money or go to great lengths to have a get-together at your house. Start a book club, coordinate a potluck or a barbeque, organize a DVD and popcorn night, schedule a casual happy hour one day a month, or plan an easy brunch with friends on a Saturday morning. The more often you plan something at your home, the easier it will be. (And don’t tell me you don’t have space - we went to one of the best dinner parties ever in a 400-square-foot apartment.)
Social media makes it easier
Grandma probably didn’t tell you about email, Facebook, Twitter, and Skype when she taught you how to write a thank you note and respond to an invitation. But grandma probably didn’t know nearly as many people as you do, so I’m sure she would give you her blessing on staying in touch this way. Social media is your friend. Never has it been easier to stay in touch with a large number of people - people who live all over the world - than it is now.
- Use lists to sort your contacts. If you have more than 1oo friends online (and most of us do), it can get overwhelming to keep up with everyone’s updates. You can sort your friends into lists in Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus and then easily click each list to review the updates of only those people. Section them off by family, work friends, friends from a particular hobby or interest, brands or companies you like to follow, etc. It will make your social media time much more effective and allow you to stay on top of what is going on with your contacts.
- Subscribe to the RSS feeds of people you want to know better.Don’t wait until you need to ask a favor to check someone’s blog/website/Facebook page and find out what they’ve been up to. By signing up for the RSS feed and cruising the headlines on a regular basis you will know what is going on, when to reach out, and how to have a better conversation when you do connect with that person again. This works even better for someone you don’t know well because you can learn a lot about their interests before you attempt to connect on a deeper level.
- Share your ideas and ask questions. Staying in touch means telling people what you are doing and thinking, too. You may not always have time for a conversation with your friends, but you can always put an idea, thought, or question on Facebook and have a virtual conversation over a day or two. Updating that your day sucks or you hate your boss or that your life is boring will not draw you closer to anyone. But asking your friends how they get over a bad day, how they handle difficult situations at work, or what they are doing for fun lately will generate a conversation. To be interesting, be interested.
Relationships need ongoing care
It doesn’t really matter how you stay in touch with your friends, only that you do. Don’t put off that card, email, phone call, or date because it isn’t convenient or you know they’ll understand that you are busy. You will learn something from your friends and acquaintances every day if you seek it out, and in return you can share a little bit of yourself, too. The tapestry of your life becomes more intricate, the colors become brighter, and the layers become deeper. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?
What is your favorite way to stay in touch?
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Aw… look at that photo of all you guys together. Awwwwww. Makes me heart a little sad.
some of my friends and I call or text every day or so. I have a crazy schedule but I always have time for a phone call to a friend!
Margit, that was a very fun weekend in Sequim. The picture always makes me smile. And I know you use Facebook very well to stay in touch - in fact, I think we connect more now that I’m halfway around the world!
Another great post!
I admit, this is one of my pet peeves. Friends who are “too busy” to connect with me (in any of the ways you’ve mentioned) ultimately fall off my friend list and I simply wish them well is their self-absorbed little lives. (But I’m not bitter. LOL)
It seems a shame that people have to be told that they should nurture their relationships (be they local or long distance) but it’s been my experience that this is so. As a child, I remember my parents getting together with other couples often-and quite spontaneously. Now, however, it sometimes takes an Act of Congress to coordinate the social calendars of some people. I find that this is not an issue with my non-American friends and wonder if this is a culturally-based phenomena.
Ironically, I’ve found that our location independent lifestyle has mitigated some of this. Now, when we are “in town” (whichever one that may be) our friends make a concerted effort to get together because they know that it’s limited opportunity window. Next week, we’ll be elsewhere.
Maureen, I think you might be on to something with this being a US thing. Part of it is that we get less vacation time than just about anyone else in the Western world, and even then we don’t always take it all. We develop a mindset of busy-ness and the need to work all the time (I remember it being a badge of honor to have the longest commute or the heaviest travel schedule or put in the most hours at my last corporate job). Perhaps this makes it harder for us to connect regularly with our friends and family than it does the South Americans or Europeans?
I found this post particularly “close to home.” These days I certainly do understand Maureen’s sentiment though I’ve had to guard against it becoming a “peeve.” However, now that I live abroad-and maybe because gray is starting to show in my beard-I truly feel the need to stay more in touch with friends and family from home . . . but it seems to be that I’m the one doing all the contacting. It’s like: What the hell? Aren’t relationships a two-way street? (Maybe it should be a clue that they threw the party AFTER I left! lol!!!)
But then I have to catch myself in the “tall-tales” I tend to create and realize that it was ME that did all the work in my life to transform it so that it was no longer a never-ending bat-out-of-hell dash on a treadmill, and also it was ME that moved to literally the other side of the world! However none of my friends or family members did that; they’re still running full-bore and (apparently) have little time write me emails.
My solution? First I just keep that in mind and choose to take the initiative to keep in touch for those few relationships that I truly value. (Not that I don’t love ‘em all.
) But my second focus these days is to develop new friendships with people whose life-styles and mind-sets are more in line with my own. Frankly most my friends and family just don’t “get” it. What I experienced as a total life-transformation that finally brought it into congruence with all of my core values for the first time ever . . . they just have chalked-up to “mid-life crisis” . . . as they run frantically along on they’re treadmills of “quiet desperation.” 
You’re family you’re “stuck” with, and old friends are often ones that you just sort of “fell into” by a sort of default . . . and let’s be honest, in both cases these people-no matter how much you may love them-often don’t empower you. In fact, sometimes it may be all you can do just to keep them from sucking you dry emotionally!
However when you go out with a clear, focused Intention to meet people with values and views that match yours then “staying in touch” becomes a lot less difficult-and often a lot more enjoyable and invigorating-but as you point out in your past is by no means automatic.
I truly appreciated this post just as I truly value the new friendship that I have with you two!
Be Present. Expect Success. Live with Passion!
T
Tranque, we have a very similar circumstance to yours. It has been a real breakthrough for us to realize that because we made these big changes doesn’t mean everyone has to go along with it. Everyone else is in the midst of living their own lives, making their own changes, and sometimes it just doesn’t meld. It is almost always disappointing, but you can’t really chalk it up to anything but diverging paths. I felt the same way when I was divorced and first moved away from my hometown 10 years ago and felt like I had stepped off into the abyss.
Like you as well, we have learned to take this opportunity to meet new people every single day (so important that this is step 1 in this blog post series, in fact). Yesterday we met up with a couple we have just become friends with over the summer, and it was one of those magical days that stretch well into the night with laughter, great conversation, and new experiences. Even in the interview we did with you (coming soon, readers!), what was meant to be 20 minutes stretched into 2 hours because of the laughter and great conversation. We just “get” each other, and we’re happy to have a new friendship developing with you.
And this is why it is so important to nurture not only your core relationships, but those of your outer circle as well. You never know who is going to become your next best friend, business partner, partner in crime, or source of bail money.
So true, Tranque. When you step more and more into your true self, others don’t get it. Just remember, people like the ease, simplicity and comfort of a template. Unfortunately, that goes for a life template as well.
Don’t let the masses pull you towards mediocre. We aim to make this a goal every day.
Yes, it’s a lot of work to keep in touch but it is worth it. I usually put the effort into trying to reconnect or maintain friendships and I admit I feel sad when it isn’t returned. I understand, however, that everyone has busy lives and mostly, people aren’t trying to ignore you, they are just busy. I think trying to keep in touch with family is really important - my husband and I try to keep in touch with all our kids’ relatives (and not just at funerals!).
Joanna, I think I learned this staying in touch thing best from my mom. She operates just like you do - keeping up with all the family members on both sides, marking important occasions (official and unofficial), and making sure everyone sees the kids/grandkids as they grow up. It’s an important job, and I think moms don’t get enough credit for it.
I will lightly echo the sentiments of both Maureen and Tranque in that I’ve also found myself becoming a little tired of people being so damned busy. Everyone seems to be trying to cram two lives into their one, and from what I can tell they’re getting less out of it than if they slowed down and lived the one life they have.
Some people spend a lot of time telling you how little time they have.
It is similar to people we see doing speed vacations. The land in a city and try to cram 10 events into one day instead of savoring one or two. More is not necessarily better, and I imagine they are exhausted when they get back home instead of refreshed.
Reminds me of a couple I met on a train platform in Paris years ago. They were in their early 20s and on their honeymoon. They had so far been to the Netherlands, Belgium, France and were off to Germany to finish their two weeks. “We have to see it all, because our parents paid for the trip and we know we’ll never be back” they said. I was actually kind of sad for them after they dragged their 5 suitcases onto the train. Even after 10 days they still didn’t “get it”.
That’s so sad, Rob. But I think of all the dumb shit I did in my early 20s and it makes sense. Thank god we get older.
Well, I’ll acknowledge it being good that we get wiser - but older. I’m not such a fan of older :<
This is a great post and made me think about why I haven’t been staying in touch with more of my friends. I used to throw a lot of parties and schedule time in my week to meet at least a friend or have a happy hour. After starting the new business I found that there literally isn’t much time in the day even after giving up TV (well I didn’t watch it anyway) and cutting back on sleep, along with resigning from all but one non profit board (I’d been on up to 5), and cutting back to checking Facebook periodically and at least once a month meeting up with a friend or two.
What I found is that I have a couple friends who still periodically make sure I get away from the business and spend a little down time but most of the people I used to get together with, once I stopped making the effort they didn’t take up the baton and help keep the relationship going. They don’t check in to see how things are going or see if I want to meet up- it was very disappointing to find out how few of the people I considered friends really are willing to make any effort. For the few that do I always try and make time even if sometimes it two weeks down the road and every once in awhile I get a little lull in the action and pull a party together. I also put on my calendar to send out a few emails once a week to check on people I haven’t heard from.
Its been the only downside of starting the business (well other than not taking a paycheck for a while and not having someone to do all the back office work!)- its a lot more lonely than when I worked for someone else and my non-work hours were more free!
Michelle, that’s one thing we’ve learned as well. When you make a big change in your life - new business, relationship change, creative pursuit, trip around the world, etc. - not everyone goes along with it. And of course they don’t have to - but it still hurts when people you thought would always be your friends start backing away in light of your new situation. It also makes me think of times in my life when I’ve done the backing away, either consciously or subconsciously, and why.
One thing we keep in mind is that for every gap that is created there is a new opportunity to meet someone - someone who sees you in your current situation - and a new friendship can blossom from there. Starting a new business is really hard work, and I hope you are soon at a place when you can hire out some of the back office work and take back a little bit of your personal life.
Thanks so much for this post! I have loved quietly following you guys and watching your adventure unfold…but this post, I have to speak up….
I am one of those people. I stink at being a friend. My friend even tells me (when she’s complaining that we haven’t gotten together lately) that the stars have to align properly for me to agree to go out together…. my problem is finding friends that I really relate too…. I, by nature, prefer to be alone. But that can get, well, lonely. I have made friends, but they don’t really work out because our beliefs are just so different or perspective so different that it’s just so hard to be friends with them, I just give up. Yes, you can say I am friend challenged. There. I admit it.
Kim, the first step in getting out of being “friend challenged” is to admit you have a problem.
Have you considered that the thing that makes your friends different from you can be the thing that binds you together if you give it some space? If we connect with people who are exactly like us it doesn’t give us much to talk about, does it? (though I guess hearing “I agree” and “you’re right!” for a while would be nice…) Consider embracing your differences and learning from them.
A friend of ours had some difficulty in reaching out and making new friends, and she decided to finally just say yes to every opportunity for connection offered to her for a year, and it changed her life. Would you be willing to try something like that? You can go from being “friend challenged” to “friend enhanced.” Good luck!
LOVE THIS! I live abroad and have for two years, and this is SO SO SO important! I find it easy to get wrapped up in the adventures and new experiences abroad, however, at the end of the day that won’t mean as much if I cannot share it with the people who have helped me get to this point. This goes so well with your last post about connecting people because once you make those connections, they need to be maintained! Thanks for sharing, as always.
Kristin, it is so important to maintain those connections, especially with the people who have supported you in the past. I know not everyone is great at this but everyone can be at least good at this and keep a handful of strong relationships alive and kicking. It isn’t just for selfish reasons, either - you get as much of dose of karmic goodness from supporting them through tough times and celebrating successes as you do when they help you the same way.
I see from checking out your blog that you have an added incentive to stay in touch with the people (or person) back home.
Congrats!